He has also recently told his wife about me. At first, she was arguing with him. Later on, she reached out to me with some questions. She also said some harsh words and tried to convince me to leave him and them alone.
This man’s marriage was arranged by his parents. His family is accepting me because his first wife didn't give him or his family time nor treated him/them with importance.
I have my reasons for not ending this relationship. Namely, I love him more than anything. He does everything for me, he loves me a lot, understands me, supports me and stands by my side.
The second reason is his health. He has just gotten out of hospital because of the heart line going down after his wife fought with him. His heart is weak, and I fear that if I leave him it will affect his health.
Third, his daughters love me and know me, and I also love them.
I don’t know if I’m doing the right choice by staying in this relationship. Please guide me!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
It is easy to confuse infatuation with love. While love comes from a place of deep understanding, infatuation is like an obsession and is a short-lived passion.
I would like you to focus on what an ideal relationship and life would be like for you.
It is also important to understand marriage from the sub-continental cultural perspective. In the subcontinent, marriage is not just an individual affair but rather a family one.
Being in an online relationship makes it easy for you to imagine a reality which may not be true when you are actually living with that person. I would like you to be aware of this fact.
Pray istikhara. Ask Allah to help you make a decision.
Walaikum Assalam Sister,
I understand that you are in a difficult place. Being in love with a married man can be complicated not just emotionally but also socially.
You have asked for guidance whether you are making the right choice by being and staying in this relationship. I’d like to say that only you can be the best judge of that.
Polygamous Relationships in Islam
Islam allows a man to have four wives at a time. However, it also demands that the man be equal and just to all of the wives.
If you do intend to marry him; you will have to bear in mind that you will have to share your husband with another wife and a family all your life. Your husband will be required to spend as much time and love with his prior family as he spends with you.
In the Quran, Allah SWT says to Believing men,
“And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].” [4:3]
Evaluate Your Feelings
I feel you are still young and you could be merely infatuated with the man rather than being love with him. It is easy to confuse infatuation with love. While love comes from a place of deep understanding, infatuation is like an obsession and is a short-lived passion.
While I do not know a lot of details and the nature of your relationship, I wonder if the other person could be manipulating you because of your age. You are young and should be focusing on making your own life rather than worrying about some else.
What’s more, feeling obligated to someone because their life may be in danger (which is definitely not because of you and should not be your concern at the moment).
You will have your answer about whether this man will be the right choice for you with time. In the meanwhile, I would like you to focus on what an ideal relationship and life would be like for you.
Understand Your Life Goals
You need to know in-depth what you envision and want from your life. We all have goals and ideas about how we want to spend our lives. A good marriage and a partner is only one aspect of that envisioned life. Do you think that all of your goals will be met if you marry this man?
It is important to evaluate things from a broader perspective because marriage is a very significant decision that impacts all areas of your life.
Despite all the support from your husband, there will always be people who will try to bring you down for marrying an already married man and taking someone else’s right.
What Marriage Means from a Cultural Perspective
It is also important to understand marriage from the sub-continental cultural perspective. In the subcontinent, marriage is not just an individual affair but rather a family one.
Families of both the husband and the wife are very closely tied. Therefore, you are expected to take care of the husband’s family and vice versa.
Your Family’s Opinion about the Relationship
Sister, what your family has to say regarding this marriage is also significant. In Islam, Allah SWT has made the father the wali of the daughter. His decision is very important when it comes to making a decision about marriage.
Sit with your parents or elders and talk to them about your situation; ask them for advice and guidance. They will be able to tell you whether getting into this relationship will be a wise decision or not.
Virtual, Imagined Relationships vs. Practical Relationships
A huge dilemma for people nowadays is not being able to fully understand the nature of relationships due to virtual reality. You mentioned that you met this person online. I am not sure how much time you have actually spent with this person in real life.
We often fail to comprehend that the availability of people online is vastly different compared to when you are practically living in a relationship.
Being in an online relationship makes it easy for you to imagine a reality which may not be true when you are actually living with that person. I would like you to be aware of this fact.
Understand What This Relationship Means to You
Sister, last but not the least, it is important to understand what this relationship means to you and why it has become so important in your life. Could it be because you need a distraction from a particular situation you are in?
What does this relationship give you that you lack in other areas of your life? Also, is what you are getting from this relationship enough? Can you spend the rest of your life being content in this relationship?
Do you think that it is a balanced relationship where you are receiving as much as you are giving? I could be wrong but I feel as though, in this relationship you are giving and sacrificing a lot more of yourself than you are or will be getting back from your significant other.
Ask Allah for Help and Guidance
Before you make a decision, it is essential that you ask Allah SWT for help and guidance. Pray and supplicate to Allah so that He can guide you to the path that is good for you.
Do an Istikhara and ask Allah SWT for guidance whether this relationship will work out for you. Trust and give your worries to Allah SWT as He is the All Seer and All Hearer. May Allah SWT open doors for you that lead you to success in this world and the Hereafter.
Salam,
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