Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Do not be harsh or judgmental about feeling sad or depressed about your loss, because it is only natural to feel that way after what happened.
• It is important to be able to identify when you start to overthink.
•If you find yourself ruminating too much or going into a lot of negativity, it might be a good idea to seek professional help.
• It is important not to lose trust in Allah SWT and pray that He eases your pain and gives you something that will be a blessing for you both in this life and in the Hereafter.
• Take care of your health, eat, drink and sleep as well as possible, since your lifestyle has a huge impact on your mood.
• Repent to Allah SWT for whatever sins you may have committed knowingly or unknowingly.
Assalamu Alaikum brother,
I am sorry to hear about your loss. You are going through a big ordeal at the moment since a person whom you loved and envisioned to spend all your life with has left you very suddenly and with no explanation.
What you are experiencing right now is a very natural process of the Grief Cycle, where you will experience the stages of denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, and acceptance of your loss.
The greater the loss you feel, the more time it takes to come out of the grief.
However, if your symptoms of depression last over 6 months you should consider seeking a professional mental health practitioner for help.
While it may sound strange to you, it is good that you are allowing yourself to feel the pain rather and are not running away from it.
Do not be harsh or judgmental about feeling sad or depressed about your loss, because it is only natural to feel that way after what happened.
While she may have her reasons, what ex-fiancée did was unfair, and you did not deserve any of it.
Healing from the loss will take time, but do not lose hope.
Do Not Blame Yourself
Brother, in situations like this, we feel pressure to answer the “why’s” of people, and therefore we get into an intricate analysis of what might have gone wrong.
In your situation, since your ex-fiancée dumped you in the last moment, you may have internalized that you must have done something wrong somewhere.
However, this may not be the case at all.
Whatever has happened could have happened for any reason.
You may never get the answer to that and ruminating about what you may have done wrong will only inflict more pain on you.
Be Aware of Your Thoughts
When we are going through a dark phase in our life, our thoughts tend to become clouded with negativity.
Sometimes, we fall into the pit of “All or Nothing” thinking.
That is, when you start thinking along the lines “if I did not have her, I will never be able to have any successful relationship in future.”
Such bleak thoughts aggravate the pain, loneliness and helplessness.
Therefore, it is important to be able to identify when you start to overthink.
If you find yourself ruminating too much or going into a lot of negativity, it might be a good idea to seek professional help.
Be Aware of Your Feelings
What hurts the most in situations like this is the deep underlying feeling of being rejected by our significant other.
This feeling of rejection can, unfortunately, ignite many deep-rooted emotions and feelings such as shame, guilt, worthlessness, anger, etc.
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Being aware of your feelings and being able to label your emotions will help you understand yourself better, and it will also give you an of understanding of why you are feeling a particular way.
Don’t Lose Hope
Hope for the future is what helps us cope through difficult phases of our life.
In the Quran, Allah SWT has promised His believers,
“And your Lord is going to give you, and you will be satisfied.” [93:5]
It is important to understand that there are good parts in life apart from the rough ones.
Life does not always stay the same and you will heal in time.
While you may never be able to forget the incident, and you don’t have to, you will still be able to eventually come out of the bleakness you are going through right now.
Allah Is the Best of Planners
In the Quran, Allah SWT says:
“…but they plan, and Allah plans. And Allah is the best of planners.” [8:30]
Sometimes we plan things for ourselves and our futures, but what Allah SWT has planned for us is better than what we can ever plan.
Therefore, it is important not to lose trust in Allah SWT and pray that He eases your pain and gives you something that will be a blessing for you both in this life and in the Hereafter.
As you have mentioned, your ex-fiancée was not very accepting of your religious side and did not agree with many of your values.
Maybe, it was a good thing that the relationship did not continue, otherwise, your conflicts could have grown bigger after marriage, which would have caused you constant stress and anger.
This Life Is A Test
Brother, it is also important to understand that Allah SWT has sent us in this world as a test.
He tests each one of us; some of us have bigger tests than the others, but those who believe in Allah SWT and who turn to him will be rewarded in this world as well as in the Hereafter.
In the Quran Allah SWT says,
“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient” [2:155]
Allah SWT also says in the Quran,
“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear” [2:286]
Engage in A Healthy Lifestyle
Lastly, it important not to give in to your depression completely.
Take care of your health, eat, drink and sleep as well as possible, since your lifestyle has a huge impact on your mood.
You should also try to include activities in your daily schedule which are likely to improve your mood.
This may include exercising, jogging, meditating, journaling, or in short, anything that makes you feel good.
Turn to Allah For Guidance and Mercy
Brother, repent to Allah SWT for whatever sins you may have committed knowingly or unknowingly.
Allah loves to forgive people who seek repentance.
Allah is the All-Seer (Al Baseer) and All-Hearer (As Sami’). Allah knows what goes on in the hearts of people. Ask him for guidance and, In shaa’ Allah, He will open the doors for you.
May Allah guide you always.
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