I never wanted to get married because I had never feared that I would fall into zina . I was never attracted to anyone and wanted to live my life serving my parents and advancing my career. My mother set me up with a man I had no interest in and did not like even though he is to the society a good person. He is not abusive or has any severe bad manners but I am not able to love him as we lack compatibility and I am not attracted to him as well as the fact that I may be aromantic and asexual. Despite making several protests before marriage my mother convinced and manipulated me into the marriage. Now I am stuck unhappy and feeling depressed as we had been engaged for 6 months and married for 3 and have yet to consummate the marriage. Anything I do against the marriage would bring shame to my family.
As salamu alaykum dear sister,
Shokran for writing to our live Session. I am sorry to hear about your situation in terms of what you wanted for your life and the life you are currently living. According to you, you wanted to live your life serving your parents and advancing your career. Fears that you would commit zina are not a concern because you were never attracted to anyone. You do feel you are asexual. Despite what you wanted for your life, your mother set you up with a man and you were engaged for 6 months and married for 3 but have not yet consummated the marriage.
Sister those are very noble aspirations in life to serve one’s parents and advance a career. However, I would like you to ask yourself a question in regards to feeling asexual (not being attracted to anyone). Have you always felt like this? According to research, 1% of the population is asexual. If you are not sure if you are asexual or not, I encourage you to study scholarly articles about it or attend a few brief counseling sessions to further understand your sexuality. This will help you to formulate a stronger sense of self moving forward. If you determine that you are asexual then it makes complete sense that you have other goals and objectives in life other than marriage and children. I respect and honor your insight as well as your chosen direction in life, serving others and advancing your career.
As you probably already see, problems can arise regarding high expectations for marriage and children from society and parents. As you know however, in Islam one cannot be forced to marry. In fact, a woman who was forced to marry may not be considered married.
Coerced into Marriage
You did not want to marry however at some point you did agree to marry him. As I can imagine, there was great pressure put upon you. You did indicate that you protested several times before the marriage but your mother convinced and manipulated you into the marriage.
As you are now married and you have not yet consummated the marriage. Sister, does your husband know that you may be asexual? Should he know that you may be asexual he may file for divorce because of the fact that marriage entails sexual relationships and usually having children. If he knew up front before marriage that you did not desire this, perhaps he would not want to get married either.
Speak with Husband
Sister I kindly suggest that you sit down and speak with your husband about how you are feeling. You said that he is not abusive, that he does have good manners, and is a good person. Insha’Allah once you discuss with him how you feel, who you are as a young Muslima, what you are capable of in terms of a relationship and what you are not capable of, perhaps he will be kind, merciful and gentle, and agree to a divorce.
Sister I do understand when you said that anything you do against the marriage would bring shame to your family however, we are talking about your life and your husband’s life. The two of you are the ones that have to live in this marriage- not your family. It is best at this point if you cannot make this marriage work to be upfront with your husband and part ways amicably-If this is truly what you would like. Again, the family may be upset for a while, but a while is much better than a whole lifetime. You deserve to live a life that makes you happy and to be true to yourself, and your husband deserves the same. We wish you the best.
But my husband stay with me only for 40 days. After that he went to abroad. Here Im disturbed more. I really need my husband more. But he is not ready to understand my need. He just even avoid me to talk romanticly in phone. Here I feel more loneliness. I too unable to be patient and been encourage him. Always I get hurted and broken by silly things. I’m ready to work and eligible too. I want to be with him. I waited for 10 months. Still I can’t bear this situation. Nowadays my needy upon him becomes more stronger. I need Allah’s help. And please help me what to do. My husband say me to wait. He also suffer economically. But yet I can’t. Guide me please. Please.. It makes me to masterbuate. I fully disgused. I know it is wrong. But shaithaan makes me to do. And also my nafs. Please please please help me. I want to be good muslimah. I need your help.
As salamu alaykum dear sister,
Shokran for writing to our live Session. First, congratulations on your marriage! I understand that it has not started off the way you have dreamed or thought it would, but marriage is something that two people work on, sacrifice for at times, as well as utilize mercy, patience, kindness, and communication. It is a blessing and worth all the hard work and sacrifices!
New Husband is Away
As your husband is abroad, I can imagine you miss him very much and that you are lonely for him. It is unclear whether or not you moved to his country or he moved to yours. At any rate it is common sometimes for husbands to have to go abroad to work or study when they are married.
Getting to Know One Another
As you have only been married for 40 days, that is a very short time to get to know one another. You stated that he does not understand your needs and he avoids talking to you romantically on the phone. Perhaps he feels shy or maybe it is because the two of you have not spent enough time together and he does not know how to act romantic with you. At any rate it most certainly is not advisable for a couple to be apart so early in a marriage and for so long. It is not conducive to the bonding. And as you can see communication is difficult and often results in hurt feelings. Despite these obstacles, you can make the best of this situation by knowing it will end soon and you will be together. Insha’Allah, use this time to get to know each other via other ways such as phone, video calls, cards, and so forth.
Building a New Life
In sha Allah sister you may want to ask him if he has an idea when he will be able to return home. I understand that he is not in a good place economically but having an idea may help you to adjust better. I am wondering if there is work for him where your home is. Or-if it is that you are going to move abroad to be with him, it may be that he wants you to come to a home that is nice and suitable for his new wife. It also may be that he understands you are lonely and that you need him but he may feel frustrated that he cannot get things together fast enough. Insha’Allah I kindly suggest that you try to be a little bit more patient and more supportive of his efforts. I understand you are hurting right now; you may feel insecure and as a new wife ignored. However, insha’Allah try to remember that your new husband is there to create a beautiful life for you and him. It is not easy to do that sometimes.
Tests and Trials
Sister, this is just one of the small tests and trials that you may go through as husband and wife. I encourage you to have conversations with your husband that are uplifting and a building for both of you. The more you support each other and your endeavors, the better things will get insha’Allah.
You spoke about masturbation and how bad you feel doing it. Sister, it is understandable because you were with your husband for about a month and now you’re not…you’re all alone. Despite being alone your body and your mind probably misses him and is most definitely used to having sex. At this point despite differences in scholarly opinions I will kindly advise you not to be too hard on yourself regarding masturbating. Just try not to make it a habit or do it too much as it will take your focus away from your husband when you are reunited. If this helps you and keeps you from committing zina then it is permissible. If it is because you miss him and you feel sexual desire that means that you are human- however as stated above just try not to make it a habit.
Speak with Husband
I kindly advise sister to please speak with your husband and try not to add any pressure to the conversation, but try to get an idea of when he will be coming home or if the case is that you are going there, when you are able to go there. Having a conclusion to separation and distance is always a good thing moving forward that way you have something to look forward to. Also, ask your husband what you can do on your end to be helpful and supportive.
Sister, while not an ideal situation, this time and distance will pass. Insha’Allah make duaa to Allah for strength, patience, and guidance during these hard times. If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed or lonely engage in a hobby, workout, speak with a Muslim sister for company, take a walk in nature, or any number of things that would ease your state of mind, relax you and make you happy. Often times when there is too much idle time our minds can go into overdrive. In sha Allah go to the Masjid when you can, attend Islamic events, read the Qur’an, as well as take an Islamic class to keep building your knowledge and iman. Insha’Allah, the more you keep busy with positive and upbuilding things, the faster the time will go-and the happier you will feel now—and when you are reunited with your husband. We wish you the best.
I’ve written previously about desiring marriage (and babies) but due to my age and responsibilities toward my parents this hasnt been possible. I wont repeat that distress. Instead, I find myself pondering over the impact of dua on our lives and I wonder if Allah has shown me signs all along, indicating that I am destined to be alone and die alone too. I think about my mom who is very kind her my dad has been abusive and mean to her throughout their marriage. Mom has always made dua that her life becomes easy, but even at age 83 she is having a hard time with my dad. She prayed for her kids … my brothers have had happy marriages. Recently my brothers daughters found husbands easily and got married with much celebration and my mom was soooo happy. Yet I did not gave the same fate as my brothers or their daughters. Has Allah shown me that my mom’s duas for me wont be answered, just like hers weren’t answered regarding her own marriage? If Allah wants something, it flows effortlessly- and indeed I witnessed this in my brothers marriages and in their daughters marriages. Whereas I’ve never had an opportunity to meet someone– that door never opened for me. Are these all signs for me to reflect on? If so, why am I feeling more sad about it, rather than at peace? I would like someone to love me and care about me but if Allah hasn’t willed that door to open (just like He fidnt open a door to marital happiness for my righteous mom, altho she has derived happiness from her children and grandchildren) then why cant I just accept that? Why do I remain attached to something that isnt written for me?
I’m also starting to experience resentment and anger towards my mother and brothers as my dad (age 88) nears closer to death. I know I will bear the responsibility of taking care of my mom, and that will be hard on me. I’ve been caring for both parents while my brothers experience their own family lives. But once my dad dies, mom moves in with me and I’m stuck with her round the clock. She’s righteous, but difficult. The anger and resentment at how my family of origin has struck my opportunities for marriage and children just keeps eating at me more and more as my parents become more and more dependent on me.
As salamu alaykum dear sister,
Shokran for writing to our live Session. As I understand, you are 50 years old, you’ve never been married even though you desired a marriage. You state that your mom has always made duaa to be relieved from your father’s abuse and have an easier life but Allah never granted this, but your moms duaa for happy marriages for your siblings was granted. It is also noted by you that her duaa for you to be married did not yet happen. Additionally, you still desire to have a spouse, you want to be loved. Lastly, you fear and resent the time that your father passes and you will be totally responsible for your mom 24-7.
Duaa, Trusting in Allah, Common Actions
Sister, Allah hears our duaa’s. Sometimes Allah grants our duaa’s fast, sometimes He waits, other times Allah does not grant our duaa’s to keep us from harm, Sometimes Allah saves them for the afterlife. The other part of this is that sometimes we must also do our part to achieve the things we make duaa for. For instance, if one is studying at a university and makes duaa to Allah to pass a big exam with high grades yet they do not study, why would be they be surprised if they do not pass? When your mom made duaa for her life to become easy, perhaps she trusted in Allah yes but maybe she did not take the practical steps herself to end the violence and have an easier life (leaving, seeking help, intervention, etc.). The same is when she makes duaa for happy marriages for your siblings. What did your siblings do different to find a spouse that you may have over-looked?
Caring for Parents
Sister you have been taking care of your parents and that is a great blessing and sacrifice. As Muslims we are to care for our parents. This responsibility however includes all siblings-not just one. In your situation you do have siblings who should be helping to take care of your parents as well, especially as they continue to age Insha’Allah. While right now it may seem hard and frustrating, and you may feel you have lost out on a lot in life-please do look at the options you had and still have to turn things around.
My dear sister, you still have the choice to ensure that your siblings also live up to their part of the Islamic responsibility of caring for your parents. It is an honor to care for one’s parents thus no sibling should negate this, leaving it all on one sibling. My dear sister, you can make changes Insha’Allah by sitting and talking with your siblings about getting help with your parents. It is their parents as well, thus the division of care will help ensure everyone has a most important role in their care as well as give more balance to each of your lives.
As a Muslima you do have rights to your own happiness. This includes a marriage and your own personal family life. Perhaps you have had a lot of responsibilities with your parents but there may be other reasons for your seemingly reluctance to fully engage or change the situation. Perhaps you may feel shy, maybe like a lot of women you may feel low self-esteem. Maybe you were/are not sure of how to go about seeking that which is halal that you desire. Sister for these possible reasons, it may be wonderful for you if you could network with other sisters in similar situations and discuss solution focused options. Our Muslim sisters can be a great source of strength, inspiration, and encouragement!
Sister, as all people-you do need time for yourself. Self-care is an important part of living a balanced and happy life. Insha’Allah please choose a few things that comfort you and make you feel good and engage in these activities preferably daily. Whether it is a walk in nature, going to a gym, drinking mint tea and watching the sunset, reading a book—we all need these self-care times to unwind, settle our hearts and minds-and rejuvenate our bodies. By taking some time on a daily basis to engage in self-care activities-you are essentially telling yourself- “I am worth it”!
Sister I kindly suggest that since you are experiencing a great deal of distress and anger regarding your situation, that in addition to self-care practices you also seek ongoing counseling in your area. Counseling can help bring great insight and empowerment as you learn how to tap into your inner resources to bring about the changes you want. In addition, counseling can also help one to identify negative self-defeating thoughts and replace them with a reality that is more in tune with the heart’s longing.
Sister, in this life we have choices. Insha’Allah take this opportunity to make some positive changes in your life so that you can pursue your own happiness and dreams. Insha’Allah please speak to your siblings regarding care for your parents. Reach out to other sisters in similar situations for strength, comradery, resources, and encouragement. Seek out counseling on an ongoing basis to assist you with dealing with your feelings and to help you create a future that you truly desire. Keep making duaa to Allah for that which you desire-but also look at what you can do to help make it happen. We wish you the best.
Aselamu alejkum i need guidance its been 7 years facing difficult situations with sihr jinn /possession. I am married i have 2 kids Sihr started as sihr ar rabt wich is sexual issues on my side then it started to spread other areas of life ,social marrige issues etc at that i wasnt praying i wasnt fasting elhamdulilah allah guided i started to pray 5 salah on time i started doing ruqyah situation started to improve a little but sahir was a coworker he kept attacking me constantly to make long story short i suspected my wife was doing zina/adultery but i wasnt 100% sure i olways doubt and ignored my feelings ontill recently it became more clear to me that she is not in right path and very secretive,and manipulative behavior ,arrogant disobedient towards me including adultery now i believe she had has very bad jinn inside her controlling her i dont know to what extent jinn can control person to become so away from deen first to even a normal Human being she is very much obsessed about sex very strong feelings and urges latly she is refusing to even sleep with me and when she comes she becomes cold
I called shaikh to do ruqyah on her she didnt react to ruqyah much except she said i feel lighter i spoke to her family they refuse to believe that her daughter is like that they call me sick crazy etc anyway i see her behavior getting worst i feel embarrassed to even write. She refuses anykind of advice she is very stubborn and impulsive person i tried to make her pray salah but she wont. Please guide me should i divorce her or what shoud i do with this person is causing me so much stress so much suffering to me my family my kids. I cant even look at her face lately , i found out worst things about her is making situation even more complicated. Thank sorry for long question.
As salamu alaykum brother,
Shokran for writing to our live Session. I am sorry to hear that you are having problems with your marriage. I can imagine is very difficult on you as well as your wife and of course the children. According to you, historically you have been married seven years and you have two children. You stated that sexual problems started on your side and then spread to other areas of your marital and spiritual life. It appears as if when you started having sexual issues, possibly it was not addressed and it began to affect the marriage in many ways as well as your spiritual closeness with Allah in terms of praying and fasting.
Brother, you did not indicate whether or not you and your wife discussed the sexual issue nor if you resolved it. Sometimes if a husband has sexual issues a wife may feel she is to blame or that she is not attractive. When communication is not good and problems are not discussed it can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, feelings of rejection and of not being desired, as well as amplifying other problems in the marriage. Thus, communication is very important in a marriage.
After a while, the development of other marital strife, as well as drifting away from Islam by not praying and not fasting occurred. It appears that for a while at least, you both kind of gave up. It seems that possibly by not having good communication with each other as husband and wife things became worse until it spilled over into your job Arena. According to you, a co-worker was constantly attacking you verbally(?). I am not sure what the attacks were about however sometimes when we are unhappy with one aspect of our lives, it spills into other areas such job function and presentation. When there is unmanageable grief and anger at home, others who are close to us, or who see our patterns on a daily basis may detect changes in us. Instead of being kind and supportive, some people can be mean and cruel. I am sorry you had to go through this brother, it is very distressing indeed.
Observations and Feelings About Wife
At the time things were going bad at your job, you started to feel that your wife was cheating on you (as you have no proof, you should not Insha’Allah assume she has committed zina). You felt that your wife was secretive, manipulative, arrogant, as well as not on the right path spiritually. Brother while you feel that this could be Jinn, and it may be, more than likely her behaviors may stem from feeling as if the marriage is falling apart or from her own selfish ways. When a spouse feels either rejected or that their marriage is not working, they may behave in all sorts of ways to avoid the pain and to avoid facing the reality of the situation. As communication does not appear to be a strength (especially from the beginning of the problems), it may have gotten worse as time went on without a resolution. Perhaps your wife feels angry and hurt and this is being reflected in her behaviors towards you.
Feelings of Anger and Hurt
Brother, I understand you are suffering within this relationship. My heart goes out to you as we do not enter a marriage thinking it could end up like this. You are hurt and upset, and your wife is probably dealing with her own pain and insecurities as well. It is an intense situation but with Allah swt, all things are possible.
Brother I would kindly suggest that you make duaa to Allah to intervene in your marriage and help heal any wounds. Ask Allah for guidance in restoring this marriage. Think about why you fell in love with your wife, what good qualities did she have, and what good qualities does she have now…focus on these things for a few days. Write them down if need be.
Suggestions for Talking with Wife
Insha’Allah after you have focused on her good qualities, find a time when things are calm and invite your wife out for a lunch or dinner- somewhere quiet where you can talk. You may want to approach her with loving kindness rather than accusations that she is cheating. You may want to open the conversation by telling her how much you love her and that you would like to save the marriage. You may want to assure her that you love her, desire her, find her attractive, and that you long to resolve the problems between you. You may also wish to discuss your desire for you both to draw closer to Allah and follow the principles of Islam. You may wish to suggest that you both pray together, attend the Masjid and Islamic events, read Quran together and start rebuilding your marital and Islamic life as one. Additionally, I kindly suggest marriage counseling. Marriage counseling is often a marriage “saver” as a trained therapist helps guide a couple through painful transitions, hurts, fears, and problems. With professional guidance, much may be accomplished in regards to your marriage.
I realize brother that your wife may be resistant to making amends and moving forward. You did state that she does not want to pray nor heed any kind of advice right now. I encourage you to keep trying, and focus on the platform of repairing. For instance, it maybe that when all of this started, she felt unloved, or had self-esteem issues. Perhaps by first helping her to secure her self-worth and importance in your life, she will begin to let down the defenses of resistance. I am sure you have been trying to do this as you sound like a wonderful, patient husband, however insha’Allah give it another try. With faith in Allah, and by depending upon Allah to grant you ease in this situation, all things are possible.
Prayer and Faith
Brother, please continue to pray for her and your marriage as well as lead as an example in the home as you have been doing. Allah does hear your prayers. I understand that this is causing you and the children much problems however a marriage is worth trying to save. Allah hates divorce and one must try everything to save a marriage prior to divorcing. It could be that once you open the lines of communication and get to the bottom of what is really bothering her while drawing close to Allah at the same time, you may experience many blessings from your efforts and faith.
Brother, I admire your strength, patience, and ability to get back on the path of Islam as well as your desire to want what is right and Islamic for your family. A toxic marriage is not healthy. Insha’Allah the above tips will assist you in starting to heal your marriage. If there is no positive movement from your wife after much efforts, you do have the right to divorce. Insha’Allah it will not come to that but you do have that option. Please let us know how you are doing; we wish you the best.
My parents have been physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to me growing up. As a result, I’ve been angry and hated my parents. They normalized the abuse stating I deserve the physical abuse because I disobeyed them when they found out I wrote in my diary that I hated them for all the years I lived in fear that if I do anything wrong, I would be facing their wrath. My relationship with my father is non-existent. He has been emotionally distant father to me and I have not had a proper conversation with him since junior high school. My mother blurts hateful demeaning remarks about myself whenever I don’t do things her way and tries to control all my life decisions.
I strived to become a perfect child for them so I won’t get hit or verbally abused especially when I didn’t do well in school. For a few years, I did well. I graduated with honours from a university overseas, which is a generally big achievement in my hometown. However my relationship with my parents, especially my mother, became rocky when I started doing my masters. When I asked her to give me space while I do my workload outside the home, she would tell me off saying things like I treat her like a slave. I tried to make her understand my position but she would not have it so for the the whole time I did my studies, she would send me very mean texts that drove me away. For a couple years, I preferred staying out of the home and coming home late at night so I don’t have to see her or hear her. On top of all this, I was in the midst of a depression since my degree years and was involved in a relationship with a boyfriend who limited my contact with friends eventually ending them.
I broke up with my controlling boyfriend after my grandmother passed away. During this time I ran away from home and stopped going to work, got knocked up and had to get married. All this added stress and unhealed trauma from my parents caused me to have a mental breakdown one year into my new job that caused me to be demoted.
I think all that took a toll on my marriage. My husband and I ended up having countless and sometimes violent fights. He eventually cheated on me when I had just given birth to our second child. I’m also struggling financially as my husband has a job that hasn’t paid him. During these few years of struggles, all my parents said was that this was because this is Allah’s wrath on me for being disobedient to them. Implying that again I deserve it. It doesn’t help that I still live with my parents who hears all my arguments with my husband particularly after I found out he was cheating. Adding more tension between both me, my husband and my parents who already dislike him as they don’t think he deserves me because at the time we got married, he was unemployed when we had a baby on the way. It also doesn’t help that my mother texts my husband stating he’s not a good husband and father, that they would sue him for alimony when we get divorced. This caused me to have a row with her that until now, things have become icy in my family home between us.
Over the years I have tried to mend my relationship with my parents. Fearing Allah would smite me but with my depression untreated for a decade, I made poor life decisions and now am full of regrets and misery. With Covid, I’m unable to go for therapy. I have cried to Allah and tried to keep my prayers. My parents have not instilled religious values in me growing up. They have told me that it was not necessary for me to be religious now and only if I’m ready when I’m alot older. Now and everyday I regret not having Allah with me every step of the way. I feel if my parents had taught me to pray to Allah through all my hardship, I would not be in this situation where I am lost and confused. Now I’m thinking is Allah showing his wrath to me because I disobeyed my parents? Even though they have mistreated me, they did give me shelter and provided me opportunities to study further to which I am still grateful for. But it’s hard to show my gratitude when they do not show any support when I’m struggling in my marriage, financially and with my mental health. I have lost all my friends from my previous relationship and I don’t have any family member I can talk about this to. Now I’m on antidepressants and losing alot of weight.
I hope you can give me some insight and guidance. I am really desperate.
As salamu alaykum dear sister,
Shokran for writing to our live Session. I am so sorry that you have been physical, emotionally, and verbally abused while growing up. I would like to start out by saying that you do not deserve to be abused. No child should be abused. Abusing children is a sin in Islam. Your parents will have to face Allah on Judgement Day for what they did to you. Please know that this is not your fault and please know that you never should have been abused. Sadly, many children grow up with abusive parents. Not only in Islam but other religions and families with no religion as well. Tragically, abuse is common worldwide.
What you are describing in terms of your dad as well as your mom is consistent with abusive manipulation. Your mom making hateful remarks, becoming abusive and trying to control all of your life decisions, as well as blaming you for the abuse itself is consistent with malfunctioning parents. Abusers usually do try to blame their victim. Just because a parent(s) provides a nice home and food for a child does not mean they have the right to abuse the child. They do not-it is a sin.
Striving to be a Perfect Child
I can understand you striving to be a perfect child for them. Not only did you seek to be loved by your parents which is normal, you probably did not want to be physically or verbally abused if you did something wrong as well. However, no one is perfect and it is nearly impossible to not make mistakes. Children learn from mistakes. And as we grow older, we continue to learn from mistakes. Mistakes are a learning tool. Once we learn from our mistakes we move on however as human condition dictates, no one is perfect thus Allah is most merciful and forgiving. In regards to your parents, it would have been nice if they were loving and forgiving and did not have such high expectations, however that was not the case.
Great Accomplishments Despite Great Obstacles
Based on the information you provided the issues with your parents continued even though you are grown and working on your master’s degree. You stated that you stayed away from home so you didn’t have to see or hear your mom’s abuse. You also stated that you were depressed for a very long time and got involved in a relationship. Sadly, even this relationship appears to be abusive as you said the boy was controlling. This is sometimes a common problem with children who have been abused, they seek spouses/relationships which are also abusive or have those controlling traits. Alhamdulilah you ended this relationship not only because it was Haram but because he was just another abusive person in your life. Despite all of the struggles you were up against sister, you persevered, completed your studies, attained a high degree and success. I’m so proud of you!
Currently you are married, but not before much trauma. You stated that after you broke up with your controlling boyfriend your grandmother passed away, you ran away from home, stopped going to work, and got pregnant and married. You also stated that you had a mental breakdown one year into your new job that caused you to be demoted. Based on all of this trauma, your marriage has been suffering. Again, you are in an abusive relationship where you and your husband end up having violent fights.
Sadly, your parents blamed you for all that has been going on. During these years of your struggles, they said that it was because of Allah’s wrath on you for being disobedient to them. Not once do they realize that their abuse of you for all of these years has resulted in a lot of trauma, pain, and confusion in your life. While we are all responsible for our own decisions, being abused as a child and being abused moving forward– definitely affects decision making. Instead of being loving and consoling and supportive they are blaming you as they have always done. This should be no surprise.
A Turning Point
Sister this appears to be a big turning point in your life. You have great insight into what is currently going on as well as what went on in the past. Sadly, you are still in an abusive situation not only from your parents but from your husband. It is no wonder you cannot heal, there is nowhere for healing to begin. You are surrounded by violence and abuse.
Sister I kindly ask you to examine any resources that you have. Examine your job, your housing options, any family that is supportive of you, as well as community resources for making changes. The situation with your parents, the violence in your marriage, is not an Islamic foundation for happiness. Please evaluate your situation and ask “what do you want to do to make your life happier, how can you start on the path towards change and healing. You are in a situation wherein you are empowered to make the needed changes, but you must take the first steps—and that starts with self-love-and a commitment to your safety, well-being, and happiness.
Sister, you feel you cannot go for counseling because of covid however there are counselors who will do counseling on Zoom or other platforms. Also, if your therapist or counselor is aware that you are in an abusive situation they are obligated ethically and morally to help you make a plan to leave should you want to.
Stopping the Cycle
As you grew up with violence around you from your parents, and you are now living with abuse/violence as an adult, do you want your child to live a life of violence as well? Insha’Allah sister please think about this…it’s time to break the cycle. Insha’Allah, now is the time to make changes, to start to look in other directions to break free from this generational pattern of abuse and trauma.
Allah is our Safehold
Insha’Allah sister, please do start praying. Allah loves you very much and Allah does not want to see you suffer. Allah hates abuse. Allah loves you sister and He always has. He’s just been waiting for you to come to Him. It is never too late. Insha’Allah you will find that once you start getting closer to Allah, He will open many doors for you in terms of healing and changing your life. Go to the Masjid, make friends with the sisters there. See if the Masjid or your local Islamic Center has any support groups or resources for you. Your journey back into Islam will be a blessed one sister. Allah loves you.
Sister I am so sorry for all you have gone through. Please know you are not alone. There are also good support groups for women who have been victims of domestic violence (by parents or spouses) and these groups can be very helpful. Please talk to your counselor about more sessions as well as inform her of any changes you would like to make in your life. You do not deserve to be abused. You deserve to live in a safe environment, as well as heal and be happy. Perhaps now is the time. Please think of not only yourself, but your child’s safety. This is a toxic environment and you have every right to make changes. Insha’Allah, start praying, go to the Masjid, reach out to make friends there, and stand on determination and faith in Allah that a new life is waiting for you. I am confident you will be successful in this-just as you have in the past with your other accomplishments and aspirations. Please be safe, we wish you the best.
I am feeling suicidal because of Allah and Islam. I am depressed how Allah has given excessive power to parents and husbands. Islam’s stance on slavery is impacting me badly. How Allah mentions in the Quran ‘Whom He pleases’ several times despairs me. Allah places extreme conditions on us in order for our prayers to get answered. Allah is unfair with women and children in every ways: from wealth inheritance to freedom to choose our own way of life. Allah has bestowed immense power to both parents and husbands that if we, minor, don’t obey them he’ll is a sure quarantine. I believe Islam is no less worse and harsh than other religions. I have read Q/A in other Islamic platforms and they are so disturbing and traumatising. It disgusts me to learn that Allah created women for men’s sexual pleasure, while children are to serve as servants to their parents. I am really considering to leave this faith as Islam is taking a huge mental toll on me that it is impacting my life to a point of suicide. I am sure that there are many children and women like me who think the same as me. I feel cursed to be a Muslim. Could you please help me
As salamu alaykum dear sister,
Shokran for writing to our live Session. I am so sorry that you are feeling distraught due to what you have been reading about Islam, but please sister, be assured that this is not the case. Allah is most fair, merciful and just. Oftentimes when we study things, we can perceive them in a distorted way if we do not have a clear understanding of what is being said, in what context, as well as other things that may influence our perceptions.
Depression, Suicidal Ideation
Sister, first of all, I want to address to your feelings of depression, distress, and suicide ideation. I would highly suggest at this point since you are so traumatized and distraught that you do seek counseling if possible. Please do contact your physician or go to the nearest community center for counseling. If you feel that you’re going to harm yourself please call the National Suicide Hotline in your country as well as tell someone who is close to you. In sha Allah dear sister please do make a promise to yourself that you will not harm yourself because nothing is worth taking your life or hurting yourself, not even that which you perceive to be Islam. By further studying and understanding the contexts of what you are learning-you will see that Islam is not one sided, Allah is not unfair to women, in fact-in Islam women and children are elevated in society.
Allah Loves You
Secondly, I would like you to know that Allah swt does love you very much He desires the very best for you in every aspect. Currently, there are many misconceptions in your understanding of Islam, women, and children which needs to be resolved so you can understand and feel the full freedom and empowerment as a young Muslim woman. With that said I would like to address the rest of your question with assurance that you will Insha’Allah seek mental health counseling to help address some of the depression, trauma, and despair that you feel.
Allah is Just and Fair
Sister Allah is most loving, fair, merciful, and he does not favor men over women. Some hadiths and Ayat’s you may have read may appear to show favoritism towards parents and men however there is always wisdom in what Allah has created for our way of life and for Islamic foundations. For instance, respect for parents is very important in Islam. Rightfully so as our parents have brought us in this world, sacrificed for us, and took care of us when we were growing up. Disrespect of parents is universally condemned, unless of course there are situations which go against the safety and well-being of a child such as abuse or neglect.
Wisdoms and Conditions
There are some wisdoms and conditions that Allah puts on men and women. Yes, they are different sometimes. Men have greater responsibilities thus they have greater accountability to Allah for certain things. Women and children have responsibilities and accountability as well, although it may be in different ways. At time these ways and accountabilities may seem as if they are put below men but I can assure you that they are not. If we look at the following ayats and hadith, it can give us a better understanding:
In the Quran, Allah states “…Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you…” (Qur’an: 49:13). Sister, this does not say men or women, it says those who are most righteous. The Qur’an also states “To whoever, male or female, does good deeds and has faith, we shall give a good life and reward them according to the best of their actions.” (16:97).
Just from these two examples we can see there is no favoritism. Men and women are not identical but they are equal. Now there are hadith which say “a man repeatedly asked Muhammad (pbuh), “Who amongst the people is the worthiest of my good companionship?” Each time, the Prophet (pbuh) replied, “Your mother.” When the man asked for the fourth time, he replied, “Your father.” And “Emphasizing the importance of mothers, the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, “Heaven lies under the feet of your mother.” As a female you might be comforted to know one day that your elevation and status as a mom is highly regarded in Islam.
Rights and Statuses
The prophet Muhammad (PBUH) granted many rights and statuses to women in Islam that they did not have previously! These include the right to inheritances, to vote, to be educated and to become scholars. Some women fought on battlefields; some were sought for their political advises. Women are able to work if they so chose but they money they earn is theirs-they are under no obligation to pay household bills, share it with her husband nor other family members. The financial maintenance of a home is a husband’s responsibility.
Rights Over Parents
Sister there are a lot of rights of children over parents as well. For instance, a child has the right to marry whomever they want as long as the person is acceptable Islamically. Parents cannot force a child to marry someone whom the child does not want. According to AboutIslam (1) “a Muslim parent is not allowed to force their adult son or daughter into a marriage against their will, or to decide their marriage without consulting them/garnering their consent first.” Additionally, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) instructed parents to show our love to their children. The prophet (PBUH) stated “He is not one of us who does not have mercy for children and respect for our seniors. (At-Tirmidhi). The prophet (PBUH) also stated that “He who does not show mercy (towards his children), no mercy would be shown to him” (Al-Bukhari).
Sister, I understand you are feeling horrified, depressed and traumatized by what you are learning. However, you are only learning a very small part of the logic and rulings. Additionally, you have not yet learned of all of the rights you do have nor of your elevated status in Islam as a woman and that of children. I kindly suggest that you join a women’s study group in order to add to your current knowledge base. Additionally, Insha’Allah please do read about the prophet’s (PBUH) wives to gain a full understanding of who these women were and how powerful they were, each in their own way. I have a feeling you will be amazed by these women, their rights, and accomplishments. Lastly, and again, please do seek counseling as soon as possible to address your mental health status. Please let us know how you are doing, we wish you the best.
Thursday, Dec. 02, 2021 | 10:00 - 10:30 GMT
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.