Assalamu alaykom, dear brothers and sisters,

Thanks for participating in the session.

Check out the 11 questions our counselor just answered. Didn’t see yours? No worries! Join our next session or resubmit your question for another chance to get advice. Stay tuned for more!

Question 1. How to resolve the issue between my husband and myself

How do we reconnect again??

In my husband’s eyes all is well, but in my eyes we are distant and don’t share our feelings, or thoughts or have anything in common, apart from our children and grandchildren. 

I feel isolated and lonely although, especially more so now ramadhan I have turned to Allah SWT, salah and Quran to gain comfort.  I feel disconnected with him – is it nazar/black Magic – I am struggling with him and he with me. 

Please advise what to do??

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullah, sister,

Thank you for sharing your concern. You mentioned that you would like to reconnect with your husband. You feel that, in his eyes, everything seems fine, but you experience a sense of distance between you both. You do not share your thoughts or feelings, and you feel like you have nothing in common. This isolation and loneliness, especially during Ramadan, have been difficult for you. You have turned to Allah, prayer (salah), and the Qur’an for comfort.

At the end of your letter, you mentioned that both you and your husband are struggling. From what I understand, you are struggling because you need more connection, which is completely understandable. However, at the beginning of your letter, you mentioned that your husband thinks everything is fine, and by the end, you said that he is also struggling. This makes me wonder—does he truly feel content, or is he also feeling disconnected but unable to express it?

This matters because different people have different emotional needs and ways of expressing love. Some, like you, need connection and reassurance—you need to feel that you and your spouse are truly together, sharing your lives, thoughts, and emotions. Without this, you may feel anxious or as if something is missing. On the other hand, some people are not naturally emotionally expressive. They may not have learned to share their feelings or show vulnerability, possibly because they grew up in an environment where emotional expression was not emphasized.

So, the key question is: Is your husband truly comfortable with this emotional distance, or is he struggling with it as well? If he is struggling, that means he recognizes the disconnect and may be open to making changes to develop a more secure and balanced connection with you. If, however, he feels completely fine with the current state of your relationship, then the focus shifts to finding a middle ground where both of your needs are met.

From your side, this might mean understanding that his lack of emotional expression does not mean he doesn’t love or care for you. He may not require as much communication, physical closeness, or emotional sharing as you do. This doesn’t diminish his feelings for you—it just means he expresses love differently.

At the same time, for the sake of a happy and tranquil marriage, it would be beneficial for him to make some efforts for your well-being. Small steps—such as checking in on you, asking about your feelings, giving you a hug, affirming his love, or showing interest in your life—can make a big difference. Even if emotional closeness is not as important to him personally, making an effort for your sake strengthens your bond.

Additionally, your connection with Allah can also be a source of healing for this emotional need. You can find comfort in the names of Allah, particularly As-Sami’ (The All-Hearing) and Al-Qarib (The Ever-Near), as Allah is closer to you than your jugular vein and always listens to your struggles. Turning to Him in prayer and seeking solace in His presence can help fill the emotional void you are experiencing.

If both of you respect and love each other and accept that you are different in how you express emotions, you can still support each other as a team — as husband and wife. This may require both of you to make some sacrifices and let go of certain personal needs to prioritize the other’s happiness.

For you, it means appreciating his efforts the way he expresses them, and seeking other meaningful sources of joy and emotional fulfillment. LIke children, voluntary work, a hobby, friends, etc. 

For him, he can reflect on the name Al-Wadud — The Most Loving — the One who not only feels love but expresses it. We, too, can learn from this name to express our love, not just feel it silently.

However, it’s important not to expect him to express love exactly the way you would like or the way you express it yourself. Love may look different to him, and that’s okay — what matters is understanding and honoring each other’s efforts to show care and affection.

May Allah make things easier for you,

Question 2. Proposal

I accepted a proposal from my relative a few months back after praying istikhara. it’s been a while but I still feel uncertain about the decision. i feel that any decision I take will not bring peace and clarity. he blocked me because I rejected him. what if the person is written for me and I rejected the proposal? why am I not feeling content with my decision? I have heard that he is finding it hard to find a suitable proposal now.

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for writing. I believe we have spoken before during the live chat service of About Islam. You mentioned that you are still uncertain about your decision and feel that no matter what choice you make, it doesn’t bring you peace or clarity.

We’re talking about your decision to reject a marriage proposal — a decision you made because you felt the proposal wasn’t fulfilling. From what I recall, the man had financial difficulties and held different views on how you both envisioned your life together. He wanted you to stay with his family in a village, while you’re accustomed to living in a big city and even abroad, and accustomed to a higher standard of living.

You mentioned the thought, “What if this person was written for me, and I rejected him?” Sister, this is technically impossible. I want to remind you that Allah is the Most Powerful, and His Qadr (divine decree) cannot be changed by anyone. If this man was truly written for you, you wouldn’t be able to reject him — or even if you did, Allah would guide you back to him in some way. Nothing can prevent Allah’s will from coming to pass — not your rejection, nor your doubts. This is something important to reflect on.

Secondly, I encourage you to stop worrying about him and how he is managing his life now. You mentioned hearing that he is struggling to find a suitable proposal. Sister, that is his Qadr, and it’s not a reflection of your decision. Finding a spouse doesn’t always happen quickly — it’s normal for it to take time. Everything remains under Allah’s control. This is not something you need to concern yourself with.

Your focus now should be on yourself. You made a valid, thoughtful decision when you rejected that proposal. It was the best decision you could make at that time because it felt right in that moment — and that matters.

If doubts still linger, ask yourself these questions:

• If it were possible, would you genuinely want to marry him now?
• Would you want to reopen this proposal and accept it wholeheartedly?
• If he came back tomorrow asking to marry you, could you sincerely say yes?
• Could you now accept the conditions you once rejected — the living situation, financial struggles, and family dynamic? Why? 
• Have you truly changed your mind and feel that those sacrifices are worth it now?

If you still feel the same reluctance and discomfort after reflecting on these questions, then it’s time to let go and move on.

However, if you realize that you no longer care about those differences — that you’ve had a genuine change of heart and now believe he’s the right person for you — you can reach out and express that your feelings have changed. You can acknowledge your past decision, explain your new perspective, and see where things go from there.

That said, from what you’ve shared, I don’t sense true regret — I sense doubts, and Allah knows best. This uncertainty likely comes from the fact that Allah hasn’t shown you a new path or proposal yet. But remember: a delay doesn’t mean a dead end. Finding the right person takes time, and you have enough time now to think clearly about both the past and your future.

If this is truly doubt, not regret — please, sister, allow yourself to let go. Focus on the present. Occupy your heart and mind with things that bring you peace and growth. Trust that Allah’s plan is unfolding, even if you can’t see the full picture yet.

May Allah grant you clarity, peace, and a blessed Ramadan.

Question 3. Marriage Proposal

I like a man who is 16 years older to me and was introduced to me by my cousin sister claiming he loved me and was ready to convert and marry me. Later I came to know he is too old to me and even married and getting a divorce- He and my sister had lied to me about the age and his marriage. Now he still claims he will convert and marry me. I am really worried and unable to make a decision as to whether I should marry him or not for the sake of Allah.

Assalamu alaykum, sister,

Thank you for reaching out.

You mentioned that you’re considering marriage to a man introduced to you by your cousin. Initially, you didn’t know he was much older than you and had been married before — this information was only revealed later. Naturally, this has left you feeling suspicious and unsure about what to do next.

Sister, I completely understand your feelings. Marriage must be built on trust and honesty. If things start off with deception or withheld information, that’s an important concern to address.

My advice is to prioritize sincerity and clarity. Before you make any decisions, it’s important to understand why this information was hidden from you. You have every right to ask, kindly and directly, about the reasons behind it. Try to find out whether what happened is a misunderstanding or a mistake without ill intentions, or a deliberate deception in order to manipulate the outcome. The latter one is a serious red flag.

If, after seeking clarity, you sense a pattern of dishonesty or manipulation — especially if he seems willing to mislead to get what he wants — this could be a sign from Allah, protecting you from potential harm.

Remember, Islam encourages us to choose righteous, God-fearing, and trustworthy partners. The fact that he is willing to convert and marry you doesn’t automatically make him a suitable husband. His character, values, and honesty matter deeply.

You deserve a spouse who is truthful and sincere from the start. If this person falls short in these qualities, you have every right to walk away and trust that Allah will provide someone better, someone who will honor you with honesty and respect.

May Allah guide you to what is best for your faith, your heart, and your future. Ameen.

Question 4. Negative attitude towards men

I have a problem. Ever since I began to read the books of scholars and their websites I developed a negative attitude towards men. For instance, in the books of scholars I was shocked to learn that so many actions that would otherwise be considered oppression, when it comes to the wife they are not considered oppression or wrong. For instances, one day i read how a man can prevent the wife from her parents, even her sick mother even if he has no reason, another time i read that most scholars do not see it as mandatory or wrong if the husband refuses to fulfill the conditions in which only because he agreed to them such as allowing her to work or study she agreed to marry him, many scholars even allow him to refuse to sleep with her in the same room or house even if he has no reason and even if she is not pleased with this and even if she did not do anything to harm him. Most scholars also go a step further that despite him having the right to prevent her from work if she were to fall ill, her treatment is not his responsibility. Others say he may prevent her from night prayers etc and the list goes on. Based on this I have developed a negative reaction towards marriage, muslim men especially the religious ones and muslim scholars in general, as I see them as monsters. What is the solution? 

Assalamu alaykom, dear sister,

Thanks for your question, related to men’s rights in marriage, according to some scholars that you find oppressing. 

If you would like a detailed scholarly answer, I encourage you to write directly to our scholar.

What I can briefly share is that any form of prevention is a protection in Islam, and should align with its principles — free from personal opinions, cultural influences, or misunderstandings. It’s also worth noting that there are sometimes different valid scholarly opinions on such matters.

What you can do is explore these various perspectives, compare the reliable ones, and focus on the positive messages that emphasize protection and uphold rights, as Islam intends.

We have been dealt with similar questions on our site, let me share some, hopefully beneficial, answers, that might help you: 

Allah Favors Men Over Women

Does The Quran Say Men Are Superior to Women?

Am I Depressed for ‘Unjust Rewards’ for Women In Paradise?

Can Husband Prevent Wife from Work

Permission to Visit Family 

Ramadan mubarak

Question 5. Marriage advice

I met my husband around last month, I asked about his past. He told me that his wife left him with two kids because her wife frequently expresses dissatisfaction, claiming he doesn’t provide her with sufficient financial support. I tried to inform my parents about the situation. My parents advised me not to go into it because they have seen a lot of cases that are related to these issues and the outcome is not normally good. I tried to confuse my parents but they insisted. Secondly my father is a fortune teller. He tried to check it and he told me that we’re not destined for each other. I tried to convince him that no one knows the unseen in the absolute sense except Allah. My parents were like you are in love with him. My parents told me if I continue with the relationship that they aren’t going to support me. The worst part of it is my parents said they are going to disown me if I continue with the relationship. Ever since I was young and now an adult my parents decided everything for me, I feel like a robot waiting for orders, incapable of decision to the point of being emotionally numb. All because I don’t want to be against my parents but am tired. I don’t know what to do. I need advice.

Assalamu alaykum sister,

Thank you for your letter.

I understand you’re facing a challenging situation with your parents, who are refusing to accept the marriage proposal because they believe it’s not right for you. They mentioned that they have experience with similar cases, and they’re concerned because he was married before and left with children. You also mentioned that your father, a fortune teller, said that you are not a good match, and even though you tried to convince them, they have threatened to disown you if you choose to marry him.

Sister, let me break this down for you.

1. The issue of fortune telling:
Fortune telling is strictly forbidden in Islam. We do not believe in predictions about the future through such practices. Anyone who engages in fortune telling should repent and leave it behind. Only Allah knows the future, and no one else has knowledge of it. So, what your father has said based on his practice cannot be considered as something accurate or valid. I advise you to consult a scholar for further guidance on this matter.

2. The man’s previous marriage:
If a man was previously married and left his wife with children, it’s essential to understand what happened. Why didn’t the marriage work? Did he acknowledge his mistakes and take steps to improve? This is vital information for you to consider. While it might be tempting to focus on the idea of marrying him, it’s important to make sure that he’s ready for a successful marriage and is committed to making the changes necessary to not repeat past mistakes. I agree with your parents that this is a red flag, and it’s something you should seriously reflect on.

3. Your parents’ concerns:
I understand your parents’ concerns and their experience in similar situations. However, they also need to consider your rights as a Muslim woman, which include fair treatment, religious adherence, and the ability to maintain you financially and emotionally within the marriage. If any of these are in question, your parents have the right to object to the marriage.

4. Your struggle with decision-making:
I understand that you feel like you’re in a position where you can’t make decisions for yourself. If you’ve grown up in an environment where your needs were not heard or understood, it’s understandable that you may feel disconnected from your own desires and instincts. This can make it difficult to trust yourself and stand up for what you want.

I’m truly sorry that you’re struggling with this, and I encourage you to work on reconnecting with your inner needs and wills. Focus on building your self-esteem and self-awareness. This process may require some emotional healing, but once you regain your sense of self, you’ll be better equipped to make decisions that align with your values and Islam. Along with this healing process, please try to learn more about Islam, Islamic principles and marriage. 

5. Moving forward in life and marriage:
Once you reconnect with yourself and your own needs, you’ll be able to make decisions guided by Islamic principles. You will be able to identify what a good match looks like for you and what kind of relationship will bring you emotional and spiritual fulfillment. It’s important to remember that just because someone wants to marry you, it doesn’t mean he is qualified to be a good husband. You have the right to seek someone who respects your rights and is righteous in his behavior.

Please also take some time to reflect on your priorities and consider what you truly want in a marriage. Think about why you feel this particular marriage might be a good match for you and how you envision your future life together. Take this time to learn more about Islam, as it provides a balanced framework for rights and responsibilities in marriage.

Conclusion:
May Allah make it easy for you, guide you, and grant you wisdom in this decision. Always remember that you have the right to choose someone who fulfills your rights and treats you with kindness and respect.

Ameen.

Question 6. Bad Dua

A girl oppressed me mentally, she: Humiliated me for not having a job. Said phrases like “I’ll kill you” multiple times. Broke her promise to me that she’s gonna wait for my proposal multiple times. Denied the good I did for her. Accused me for wronging her playing a victim card which isn’t true I did not wrong her. When I tried to give explanations she kept talking and wasn’t listening to me.

Asked me multiple times if I have her pics while I clearly told her that I do not swear on Allah. Being rude to me telling me “I hate you” and “what do I think of myself” unjustified way bc I did not say anything to her.Is it ok if I make bad Dua that she doesn’t get married for 7 years?.. or she dies?.. 

Assalamu alaykum, brother,

Thank you for your question.

You’re asking whether it’s okay to make dua against someone who has wronged you and said hurtful things. I’m a counselor, not a scholar, but I’d like to offer some advice from a compassionate perspective.

First, it’s completely understandable that you feel hurt when someone speaks to you unfairly or says things that are untrue and harmful. Remember that Allah is always watching — He sees and knows everything, including the behavior of those who wrong us. We are all responsible for our actions and will be held accountable before Him.

While it’s tempting to make dua against someone out of pain or anger, this can lean toward cursing, which is not encouraged in our faith. Instead, I advise you to turn to Allah in your duas and seek His justice if you were wronged. Ask Him to heal your heart and to guide the other person to recognize their mistake and repent.

Additionally, we know from authentic hadith that the supplication of the oppressed is heard and answered by Allah. However, we must still be careful not to fall into injustice ourselves when making dua.

For example, if someone wronged you, and you respond by asking for something far worse to happen to them — like wishing for their death or that they never marry — this goes beyond the harm they caused you. Islam teaches us to seek fairness and justice, not to overstep or respond with greater wrongdoing.

Remember that Allah is the Most Just, so entrust Him with your affairs, when you seek justice. Our role is to ask Him for what’s right and to protect our hearts from becoming filled with bitterness or revenge.

We’re taught to wish good for others, even when they hurt us — not because they deserve it, but because our character and supplications reflect who we are, not who they are. Every sincere dua you make for someone else, even an enemy, earns you reward and mercy from Allah.

So, rather than wishing harm upon them, turn to Allah for justice and healing. It’s okay to feel hurt — that’s natural — but the wrong is on the other person, not you. I pray that Allah makes this situation easier for you, grants you peace, and mends your heart.

Can I Make Dua Against Someone?

Cursing in Islam

May Allah reward your patience,

Question 7. Second marriage

After 1 year of marriage I got to know about my husband’s affair. I am a very possessive wife. I told him clearly that I don’t like when you talk to other girls but he beats him and fights with me and that I should be happy seeing him happy with other girls. I lost all my hopes. I asked him if u want you can leave me & marry her but he told he’ll not leave me nor he’ll get a second marriage. I don’t understand what to do, how to handle or accept the fact of life , please keep me in your duas . Please suggest some ways to be far away from all this. I tried my best not to interfere in his personal life, his girlfriend’s & all but my possessive mind can’t stay away . Please help me

Assalamu alaykum sister,

Thank you for your question.

You mentioned that your husband has started an affair after your marriage, and he is now looking to marry her as a second wife. You’re unhappy with the situation and are considering divorce if he chooses to marry her. You also said that you’ve tried not to interfere with his personal life or his relationship with her, but you are struggling with possessiveness and find it difficult to stay away.

Sister, let me explain a few important points.

1. Having an affair is not allowed in Islam.
What your husband is doing is clearly not in line with Islamic teachings. Having a relationship (affair) with someone before marriage is not acceptable. In fact, having any romantic relationship outside of marriage is haram (forbidden) in Islam. And to make it clear: excusing his behavior by claiming that he’s willing to marry her does give any permission to have an affair with her. 

This behavior is not something you need to tolerate, as it goes against the commands of Allah and deprives you of your rights as his wife. As a wife, you have the right to be treated with respect, and what he is doing is unjust and unfair to you.

2. His responsibilities as a husband:
As a husband, he has clear duties towards you. His affair is depriving you of your rights, and this is something that should not be overlooked. It is not about being possessive; it is about ensuring that the marriage is built on trust, respect, and following the commandments of Allah. His actions are damaging the relationship, and you should not have to accept them.

3. Your right to seek support and make a decision:
If you are struggling to go through this alone, it’s important to seek support from your family, friends, or community. You have every right to stand up for yourself and explain that this behavior is not acceptable. If you feel like you cannot live with this situation, you are absolutely entitled to ask for a divorce. His actions are not justified, and you should not have to continue living in a marriage where your rights are being neglected.

4. The right to a just marriage:
Yes, Islam allows for a second marriage under specific conditions, but there is a framework of rights that must be followed. The essence of allowing multiple marriages in Islam is to ensure fairness and justice for everyone involved. If your husband is not fulfilling his duties towards you, and if he intends to marry another woman while having an affair, this is not a just situation.

You have the right to refuse this situation, and while you may not be able to prevent him from seeking a second marriage, you can absolutely decide that you do not want to live under these conditions and request a divorce.

5. Seek guidance from scholars:
Please note that while I am a counselor, this is not a scholarly opinion. I strongly encourage you to reach out to a scholar who can provide you with more detailed guidance based on Islamic teachings.

 In summary, please seek support from your family or others in your community who can help you stand up for your rights. You deserve a marriage that is built on respect and fairness. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and demand the treatment you deserve. You have every right to choose what’s best for you.

May Allah make this situation easier for you and grant you peace and guidance.

Question 8. How should me and my family deal with Father’s drug addiction

Assalamalaykum, I am 22 years of age and the eldest child, my father is a non-muslim, he had promised my mother he would convert but never did. My mother has always done her best to raise me and my younger sister in an Islamic way Alhamdulilah. For most of our lives my father has been an alcoholic, for a long part of our lives he had physically and emotionally abused my mother. Only in 2018 when his liver failed he stopped drinking, my mother donated part of her liver in 2020 and gave him another chance through the will of Allah Alhamdulilah. Now for the past few years my father has developed a serious addiction to crack cocaine, cannabis and sleeping medication which he has abused for a long time before. We have tried everything to help him, we do so much for him and pick up his responsibilities for him, he has even put all of us into deep debt, and even though we are struggling financially he is still abusing drugs, which are extremely expensive. Even when we ignore that and try our best to be good family members towards him, he disrespects my mother and us, he doesn’t speak to us kindly or spend time with us. He leaves us to go out and be with friends and treats his family with the compassion and kindness we fight for. Today he was discharged from the hospital and went immediately to buy his next fix before coming home, we tried to have an intervention and hide his stash but he didn’t listen to us and just wanted his drugs. I had told him that this would sever our relationship completely, I have tried my best to respect him for the sake of Allah and my mother but it’s becoming so difficult to accept this treatment. I know Allah says we must respect and obey our parents but I cannot continue to beg and teach him how to love and respect my mother, me or my sister. I don’t know what else to do besides pray for him. Is this decision alright because I feel there is no reconciling with my father right now, as he is only nice when he is high and when comes down, he is very disrespectful towards us?

Assalamualaikum,

Thank you for your letter. I am truly sorry to hear about the difficult struggles you and your family are facing due to your father’s serious addiction. As the eldest child, you have taken on tremendous responsibilities — responsibilities that should not have fallen on your shoulders. Your father, despite his promise, never converted to Islam, and his long battle with addiction, starting with alcohol and progressing to more harmful substances, has deeply affected your entire family. Your mother’s incredible sacrifice, even donating part of her liver to give him another chance, speaks to her strength and love.

It’s clear that you and your family have tried everything to help him — taking on his responsibilities, falling into financial hardship, and enduring emotional pain — yet he continues down this destructive path without showing appreciation or change. This is an incredibly painful and unjust situation for all of you.

My dear sister, this is not how a father should behave, nor is this the role of a family leader. Addiction is often rooted in deep mental health struggles and past traumas, which can make recovery complex. Your family’s compassion and understanding are admirable — dealing with someone in such pain with empathy is a noble act. However, compassion should not come at the cost of your own well-being.

There’s an important distinction between being supportive and becoming enmeshed in the cycle of addiction. It sounds like, out of love and hope, your family has taken on his responsibilities — but ask yourselves: has this been helpful? Is it possible, that taking over his responsibilites may unintentionally enable his behavior? When someone is shielded from the consequences of their actions, they often have little motivation to change.

Islam teaches us that every soul is accountable for its own deeds. No one is burdened with the sins or responsibilities of another. By continually carrying his burdens, you’re preventing him from facing the natural consequences that might push him to seek help. This is not a failure on your part — it’s a reflection of his own choices and struggles.

While you can continue to offer emotional support, it’s crucial that your father understands that recovery is his duty. He must seek treatment and take responsibility for his healing. Your family deserves a peaceful, stable home — free from fear, abuse, and addiction.

You mentioned that he has been abusive. Abuse, under no circumstances, is acceptable in Islam. It is heartbreaking that your mother endured this for so long, and that you and your siblings witnessed it. Please know: enduring abuse is not an act of patience or righteousness.

Your mother has every right to step away from this marriage without guilt. If she feels guilty, she may benefit from seeking mental health support, particularly around understanding codependency — a common challenge for families of people with addiction. I encourage you to learn more about it as well.

Respecting and obeying parents is a fundamental value in Islam — but it doesn’t mean tolerating abuse or enabling harmful behavior. A parent who engages in destructive acts, neglects their responsibilities, and brings harm to their family is not fulfilling their role as a parent. Allah commands us to treat our parents with kindness, but that kindness does not mean sacrificing your own well-being or accepting oppression.

You, your mother, and your siblings deserve safety, peace, and happiness. If your father remains unwilling to change, it may be time to prioritize your own healing and future. This may involve setting boundaries, seeking counseling, and supporting one another with your siblings and mother — without carrying his burdens any longer.

Please remember: none of this is your fault. You (and your family) have done everything you could. It’s time to release any guilt you feel and allow yourselves to grieve what you’ve lost, while embracing hope for a better, brighter future. May Allah ease your pain, guide your family to healing, and grant you strength and peace.

Ameen.

Question 9: My Husband Want to Remarry His Ex-Wife

We are married for 15 years and he told me he wanted to get married, and even though it was painful I accepted it. After their marriages, we started struggling financially and because I am working I was helping him to make a living. Moving forward they got divorced because my husband was struggling already to support 2 families, though he still managed to support his child from the ex-wife. The second marriage left him in debt from loan and credit cards and I helped him financially. I even helped him take care of his son during the time the mother left to work for a month. 

Recently I have noticed that I felt something strange with him. Currently we are in a long distance relationship because he left to start a small business and I am staying in the country where we used to live before because I am currently working. Because I felt there’s something strange I asked him normally if he was still communicating with his Ex-wife (before that our child saw a sweet conversation between ex-wife and father), and he answered yes. So I asked him if he would want her back and get married again and he said yes.He told me it’s for the sake of their child who is only 2 y/o. He said everything is about the child only. 

Of course I know him well and I can feel that there’s still a feeling involved still. My worries are that we’re still struggling now, still paying our debts, we are still in a tight situation because of his compulsive decisions and I feel like I’m still coughing up water from the last time he let me drown. And now he wants to remarry his ex-wife again. I realized he always makes decisions without realizing what will be the consequences after a year or two. And to be honest I’m already tired, and my daughter as well. Mentally and emotionally I am drained from what he did before and now he is trying to do the same thing again. I asked him for a divorce, but he said he loves me and he wants us to be together. But I am already tired. I helped him to the extent that I cut my own expenses. I supported him all the way from the second marriage til divorced. But now I think it’s time for me to think of myself and my child. My last resort is divorce, because if I still continue it will not be healthy anymore for my mental health. Can all these things be sufficient grounds for divorce? Or maybe you can give me other options or advice. Thanks

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for your letter. I understand your situation, and Mashallah, it seems that you’ve already reflected deeply and are quite aware of your emotional needs and limits. You mentioned that you’re feeling tired after supporting your husband through his second marriage, divorce, and now his intention to remarry her ex-wife. One crucial thing you said stands out: you feel it’s time tothink of yourself and your child. I believe this is an important realization — one worth holding onto.

From what you described, it appears your husband struggles with managing his desires and responsibilities. It sounds like he pursues what he wants — marriage, divorce, remarriage — despite facing financial hardship and an inability to sustain a family. He still has feelings for his second wife and wants to remarry her, yet he also doesn’t want to lose you. However, he’s not providing the emotional or practical support you need, leaving you (and maybe others) burdened by his choices.

The key question here is: what is he willing to sacrifice? In life, we cannot have everything. Sometimes, for the sake of Allah and for the sake of true contentment, we must let go of certain desires. Less can be more when it comes with peace and stability.

I’m not a scholar — I’m a counselor — but marriage in Islam involves clear rights and duties. From the perspective of justice, it appears that some rights have been violated. Your husband needs to reflect on this. If he believes in Allah’s wisdom and guidance, he must understand that if he cannot uphold justice, then he cannot pursue this arrangement in a halal, righteous way.

I’m not here to dictate his decisions — that’s up to him — but you have every right to prioritize your well-being and your child’s. Supporting him is commendable, and may Allah reward you for your patience and efforts. However, you are not obligated to solve his problems for him. You must ask yourself: how much of his responsibility are you carrying? If you feel you’re bearing the weight of his struggles — financially or emotionally — you need to reflect on where you stand in this marriage and what you deserve.

You are worthy of kindness, respect, and a partner who takes responsibility for his own actions. If you feel overwhelmed by guilt for not supporting him endlessly, remind yourself that it’s not your burden to fix his situation. It’s okay to set boundaries. You can lovingly but firmly express, “This is what I can (and have to) handle, and this is what I cannot.”

If he’s not fulfilling your rights or supporting you as a husband should, you have the right to reassess your place in this marriage. It’s admirable to want to keep the relationship intact — especially if you still love him — but you need to ask yourself: at what cost? You shouldn’t lose yourself in the process. If something doesn’t sit right in your heart, listen to that feeling. Communicate openly and honestly with him about your limits and your needs. Try to support him in seeking advice and guidance on his issues. 

I hope this helps. May Allah guide you, ease your struggles, and bring peace to your heart, 

Question 10. Fiance changing

I would like to humbly ask your view about my current situation as I have been crying for days. I know my fiancé for 1 year and he always showed to be a moderate Muslim without showing his conservative side (no judgment here). I’m a revert and I have good manners, dress modestly although do not use a headscarf, never miss my prayers and avoid places with the opposite gender overall. As we started talking about marriage he became strict, e.g. no male hairdresser, no mixed gym, no events with men present even anything online only with camera off if there’s a man. While I appreciate him being devoted and guiding me to be a better Muslim I feel he is expecting changes to meet these requirements overnight. By all means I want to become a better muslim and I guard my beauty and never talk with a man unless it is extremely necessary (work, supermarket, etc), however, I feel he might be using muslim principles to hide his jealousy. 

I can’t fully understand how conservative he is because music is also considered haraam and he listens to music. Since I’m a revert I get lost in some much information out there and I’m overwhelmed. As any couple (regardless of the religion) we need to balance what works for both and I’m afraid he wants a sudden change overnight. I believe our religion promotes understanding and encourages being better as a lifelong commitment without oppressing the other as we only answer to Allah. 

Even if I obey all rules but my heart is not there yet would this be valid in the eyes of Allah? Or should we be understanding while the other is growing in religion?

How can I differentiate if he is turning into a more conservative Muslim or using religion to justify this limits on me?

He told me even if he does not agree with the rules of Islam and understands it is difficult for me, it is what it is and we must obey.

Please advise. I’m lost thinking if this is a healthy approach to me (mental health).

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for your question. You’ve raised some very thoughtful concerns. You are a revert to Islam — Mashallah — and having known your fiancé for a year. Initially, he appeared to be a moderate Muslim, but recently he seems to have become more conservative, particularly regarding your interactions with the opposite sex. For example, he doesn’t want you to visit a male hairdresser, attend a mixed gym, or participate in events where men are present — even online with your camera off. Naturally, this raises the question: is this truly about religion, or could it stem from his own jealousy and trust issues?

Since you’re still new to Islam, Mashallah, it’s completely valid to feel that you need time and space to grow spiritually and gradually embrace the religion. Remember, choosing Islam is a beautiful blessing, and your journey is a lifelong one. Everyone grows in their faith at their own pace. 

However, it’s important to understand that Islamic rulings apply to all Muslims, whether they’re born into the faith or revert later in life — there’s no distinction in the Quran’s commands. The Prophet (peace be upon him) taught us that the only thing that differentiates believers is their level of Taqwa (God-consciousness).

That said, Islam is also a flexible and compassionate religion. Cultural customs and environment often influence what we perceive as “conservative” or “permissible.” For instance, in some regions, a woman going to a male hairdresser might be unimaginable, while in Western countries, mixed-gender schools and social interactions are more common. These cultural differences, however, don’t override Islamic principles.

I’m not a scholar — I’m a counselor — so for religious rulings, I advise you to consult our scholar. If you’re in the West, you might find it especially helpful to seek guidance from a revert scholar or someone familiar with your cultural context, rather than relying on distant scholars who may not understand your environment.

When it comes to your fiancé’s behavior, it’s worth examining whether his actions stem from religious commitment or personal insecurities. For example, you mentioned he listens to music, yet he opposes your participation in online events (even with your camera off) if men are present. This could indicate selective religious practice, which raises legitimate concerns.

Since you’re considering marriage, it’s essential to assess whether he has trust issues or if his restrictions are driven by jealousy. If this is the case, it’s a significant red flag. You still have time to observe and reflect on his behavior. He cannot expect you to change overnight, and while he’s free to seek a partner who aligns with his values, he must also accept you as you are — not an idealized version of who he wants you to become. Marriage is a partnership built on mutual respect and understanding.

Pay attention to signs of control, like:

• Wanting to know where you are and what you’re doing at all times. Checking who you talk to online or in person
• Expressing himself in a controlling or possessive manner rather than openly communicating his feelings, especially fears and worries. When you ask about his reasons, he shuts down the conversation, gets angry instead of explaining them in a neutral, not enforcing tone. 
• Holding you to standards he doesn’t follow himself (e.g., attending mixed-gender gatherings while forbidding you from doing the same)

If you notice these behaviors and feel uneasy, it’s worth reconsidering the marriage. Trust issues and controlling tendencies can lead to bigger problems in the future, unless he acknowledges and works on them.

Inshallah, may Allah guide you and make this journey easier for you.

Wassalam.

Question 11. Is it compulsory to stay with in-laws and follow their cultural norms?

I am tamil muslim and he is urdu muslim we both liked each other so we decided to tie up and after marriage he completely changed he never allow me to go to my parents house before and after child ,he completely changed like when were in relationship he never like this he speak to me politely he do anything for me but after marriage he asked me to do things like which i don’t like ,so  i asked him to come out of his family but he refused even he has 2 sisters he denied and forces me to speak in urdu and I must follow his culture I don’t like it.

Is it mandatory to follow his culture and I want to speak in urdu ??Why do I need to live with his parents? Does my child also want to follow his culture and language?

Can I live my parents is it allowed because he and his family literally forcing me and my child we are so depressed.

Because he is not fulfilling my desires like physical and he is not ready to come out of his family and not providing separate house and not living with me 15 days once he come and go that too not for me. And his mother orders me to do all the household work even if I tell my husband he asks me to do ..if I do his mother always criticizes that ..

They are ready to do it. My parents’ family is a rich family but my husband’s family is a poor family. So if they ask about that,my husband and his family feel bad right?? So they are thinking about it

And my child does not like this culture, he likes to live with my mother..

We were so depressed and didn’t know what to do?

Assalamu alaykum, 

Thank you for reaching out. It seems that you and your husband come from different cultural backgrounds, and this is taking a toll on your relationship. You mentioned that he has changed completely — restricting you from visiting your family, insisting you speak his language and adopt his culture entirely. This is a complex and painful situation.

While I am a counselor, not a scholar, I encourage you to seek religious guidance from a qualified scholar regarding what is Islamically allowed — such as whether you are obligated to live with in-laws or speak his language. 

Islam is a universal guidance sent to all mankind, therefore it can unite people of different backgrounds with justice and kindness, overriding cultural norms that contradict those values.

Unfortunately, deeply rooted customs sometimes override the balance of religion. It’s important to remember that Islam prioritizes fairness, mercy, and mutual respect between spouses, regardless of culture.

I also want to gently ask: were you aware of his living situation and cultural expectations before marriage? If he made promises to live separately or to support you in maintaining aspects of your own culture, those promises matter. I

What about involving your family and seeking mediation? Family mediation is encouraged in Islam, especially when it comes to restoring marital rights and harmony. Your family — regardless of their financial status — should advocate for you and help ensure your rights are upheld.

This situation also serves as an important reminder for others: discussions about cultural expectations, living arrangements, and family dynamics are crucial before marriage. It’s essential for couples to align on these matters early on to avoid surprises and clashes later.

For now, I advise you to seek your family’s support and ask them to mediate on your behalf. You have the right to private, peaceful living arrangements with your husband — privacy is vital for a healthy, intimate, and fulfilling marriage, both physically and emotionally. Couples need space to discuss their problems without interference and to build a strong bond.

At the same time, it’s worth reflecting on which parts of his family’s customs are cultural and which are simply a matter of adapting to a new family dynamic. Compromise is often necessary in marriage — but only when it’s mutual and doesn’t require you to lose yourself or sacrifice your well-being.

May Allah grant you strength, wisdom, and ease in navigating this difficult situation.