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Dealing with the Pressure to Get Married – Tips for Muslim Youth

Face your problems and engage in self-purification

A girl once asked her older brother to make dua for Allah  to bring her a righteous husband. Her brother retorted “Err, go be righteous yourself first.”

Whatever you expect in your partner, be sure that you can embody those traits yourself. None of us are without flaws, but sometimes we see marriage as a solution to our problems. If someone has difficult parents, they think getting married and moving out is the solution. If someone has a pornography addiction, they think getting married will cure them. This is wrong.

Whatever sins, weaknesses or insecurities you had before marriage, could still exist after marriage. So, you have to face your own problems and work on yourself.

Your environment may exacerbate or lessen the impact, however; ultimately, you are responsible for your own spiritual, emotional, mental and physical well-being.

Be honest with yourself about your own weaknesses and start working on them from now. If you are emotionally entangled with someone, for example, you need to cut that off. It’s unfair to get to know a potential partner whilst having someone else in your heart.

Purify yourself so that Allah (SWT) can bring you someone pure as well. And basically, look at this “waiting/looking” period as a purification period. This way, you increase in eternal rewards, and then when Allah wills, He’ll bring you the worldly reward you asked for as well- but by then, you would have made your scales heavy.

When you’re engaged in self-purification which also entails being in the close company of the Qur’an, seeking sacred knowledge and being around the righteous company, this will make you a lot calmer and help you put matters in their right perspective and avoid panicking/magnifying issues.

Perfect your manners and don’t cause pressure to someone else

I realized something a few weeks ago. As much as I dislike being asked about why I’m single, I frequently asked my friends if they have met someone or not. When they would mention someone casually, my mind used to wander and think hmm, is something going on? Part of it was indulging in gossip and part of it was indulging in curiosity.

The Prophet (PBUH) says:

“Part of the perfection of one’s Islam is his leaving that which does not concern him.” [Nawawi]

I realized that I took part in the pressure that I complained about.

I once asked an international colleague I worked with online how old she was. She is someone I love dearly but I have never seen her or met her. I told her that I was curious. Her response was “I prefer to discipline people’s curiosity.”

I have never forgotten that; and if there’s one thing I try to perfect as part of my akhlaq (manners), it’s to not be curious about another person’s life. If they volunteer information, that’s fine, but I shouldn’t pry into someone’s life.

You know when there is someone who carelessly and casually asks a married woman “still no kids yet?” that question upsets me, this is poor akhlaq; we don’t know people’s struggles. We don’t know what they’re going through. Maybe that woman is infertile, maybe her husband is, and maybe they’ve been trying for a very long time, and they don’t need someone to remind them of their trial.

There are so many things to discuss in this world, so I learned to not take a person’s personal life as a tea time discussion topic.

So, on a very positive note, one can really learn aspects that softens his/her hearts and perfect their character—and a perfect character is one of the heaviest things that could be added on a person’s scale on the Day of Judgment.

The Prophet said:

“The heaviest thing which will be put on the believer’s scale (on the Day of Resurrection) will be good morals.” [Related by Abu Dawud and At-Tirmidhi who graded it as Sahih]

And Abu Hurairah narrated that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH)  said:

“The fear of Allah and good morals (Akhlaq) are the two major characteristics which lead to Paradise.” [Related by At-Tirmidhi and Al-Hakim graded it as Sahih.]

Expect good to come to you and never give up hope

Sometimes it is easy to fall into the trap of pessimism during this period of waiting and dealing with pressure.

So, always try to let your heart and mind be exposed to things which are positive and uplifting, and remember that Allah is as you expect Him to be; if you put into your mind that Allah will bring you an amazing partner who will be good for you in this life and the next, then it will happen, insha’Allah, no matter how long it takes for this to happen! No one can stop what Allah (SWT) decrees for you.

So, never stop supplicating to Allah for what you want. We learn from the Qur’an from the story of Prophet Zechariah that he continued to ask Allah for what he needed despite the old age and the seeming impossibility for his request to be fulfilled… yet, he knew that nothing is impossible for Allah.

[This is] a mention of the mercy of your Lord to His servant Zechariah

When he called to his Lord a private supplication.

He said, “My Lord, indeed my bones have weakened, and my head has filled with white, and never have I been in my supplication to You, my Lord, unhappy.

And indeed, I fear the successors after me, and my wife has been barren, so give me from Yourself an heir

Who will inherit me and inherit from the family of Jacob. And make him, my Lord, pleasing [to You].”

[He was told], “O Zechariah, indeed We give you good tidings of a boy whose name will be John. We have not assigned to any before [this] name.”

He said, “My Lord, how will I have a boy when my wife has been barren and I have reached extreme old age?”

[An angel] said, “Thus [it will be]; your Lord says, ‘It is easy for Me, for I created you before, while you were nothing.’ [Qur’an: Chapter 19, Verse 2-9]

So, anticipate goodness from your Creator and you will surely find it, and remember that the believer’s affairs are all good for him/her.

This article was first published on Productivemuslim.com

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