The Curse of Comparing
My first born daughter who is now 9 years old masha’Allah, showed several signs of being gifted at a very early age.
She began to talk, walk, and read much earlier than other children her age. She pursued me with baby books as early as age 2, asking me to read them to her again and again.
Eventually, she made me teach her how to read, by asking me the sound of each letter, and without my asking her to, she started by sounding the letters out loud herself when I pronounced thier phonic.
I still stand by the claim that she is, by and large, a self-taught reader of the English language. I taught her only because she asked me to.
Her brother was born at around the same time, i.e. when she was a little over 2 years old.
By the decree of Allah, he came into this world after she did, which automatically implies, as I have learned only too well in the past few years since I have been unschooling my children, that he has been destined to a life of being unfairly compared to his ‘whiz’ older sister.
And these comparisons, much to my dismay, more often than not make him look less smart than she does.
E.g. When he was 2.5 years old, he spoke only a few words in our native mother tongue and didn’t speak anything at all most of the time.
One of our relatives began to suggest speech therapy for him.
The same goes for potty-training, tricycling, and other skills. Most of them were naturally and willingly mastered by his older sister at a very early age, but he chose to show little or no interest.
He will turn 7 in a week, insha’Allah, and he still refuses to ride a bicycle, despite being offered one by us from time to time.
Before I started to read up about, and eventually practice, the “unschooling” approach to raising and educating children, I, too, fell into the destructive trap of comparing one of my children’s progress to another.
The remarks of people around us didn’t help either, who, for some reason, were convinced that a child who doesn’t develop his or her skills as soon as possible is somehow “dumber” and “slower”, which was not the case with my son at all.
After turning 3, he started talking a lot and at a very fast speed.
And this milestone – talking normally – just happened naturally, within a few days, as if a “switch” had suddenly been turned on.
The same happened with his potty-training, the signs of readiness for which he showed only a little before age 3, unlike his older sister, who got trained a little before she turned 2.
When he was ready for it, it took less than two months to fully potty-train him.
However, regarding each and every developmental or academic milestone that I’ve noticed with my second child, whom I’ve deliberately raised in a much more laissez-faire manner and not in the ‘helicopter’ style that I used with my first one, it was pleasantly gratifying and surprising to witness how each time he, when left on his own with minimal intervention and supervision, naturally learned most skills automatically, just like that, as if Allah flipped a switch, and that was it! Alhamdulillah!
Abilities such as eating with a spoon, drinking with a straw or sippy cup, hopping on one leg, differentiating between right and left, identifying the times of the day, counting, talking articulately; it all just happens one day for every child, all by itself.
This is because, just as a child learns to walk, talk, and eat solid foods on their own, with Allah as the sole source of imparting these abilities, they also similarly learn to acquire every other life skill as well, such as the ability to read a language, seek knowledge, manage human relationships, and earn a livelihood.
Conclusion: Take a Chill Pill
I’ve learned that parents are mere facilitators, not the sources of knowledge and guidance for children.
I know that it is natural for parents to worry about and desire the holistic well-being of their children, but I find it a bit odd that, while we all respect and value the uniqueness, individuality, and differences of choice among adults, we do not extend the same courtesy to children.
We unfairly expect them all to conform to a single yardstick, especially when we compare them to their peers – something, which we do a lot, much to our child’s and our own detriment.
So I’d like to suggest that we all learn to give our children a break, and don’t fret if he or she refuses to wear a certain type of clothing, shows no interest in a particular sport, or is apathetic towards reading books.
Believe me, it’s not the end of the world!
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This article is from our archive, originally published on an earlier date and highlighted here for its importance.
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