When Economic Expectations are Not Met..

*65 year old Safiyyah lives in a traditional family setup: her son and daughter-in-law live upstairs in her home. Their children go to school, both of whom she and her husband babysat during their early preschool years. Because her daughter-in-law lives with them, her parents visit often and send gifts to Safiyyah and her husband.

The elephant in the room is Safiyyah’s other daughter in law, who dwells in the same city.That daughter-in-law couldn’t adjust to the lack of privacy in Safiyyah’s home, and wanted to move out.

Since her parents were financially well off, they provided her with a small home of her choosing near their own residence, where she and her husband raised their children alone, without any support from her parents in law, struggling with financial hardship in the process.

As a result, whilst the parents of Safiyyah’s live-in daughter-in-law visit and send gifts to them often, the parents of her other daughter-in-law never call on them.

While on the surface this might seem unjust and harsh, it actually reflects the practical result of the worldly expectations that two families harbor when a marriage between their adult children takes place: the parents of the bride expect the family of their daughter’s husband to dwell her in their home honorably, and to treat her well.

For this reason, some of them insist on furnishing her future husband’s parents’ home (where she will be living) expensively, from their own pockets, at the time of her marriage, as a form of ‘insuring’ her future good treatment by them.

On the other hand, the parents of a married son expect his wife to take care of them by living with them amicably, serving them docilely, and being respectful towards them at all times, all the while happily bearing children to populate their home.

When this expected future outcome doesn’t happen, for one reason or the other, and one party doesn’t receive what they desired from the other, it leads to a straining of their mutual relations. Many a time, all contact might be dropped over the passage of years, fueled by let-downs related to economic circumstances.

Indeed, most amicable in-law relationships are sustained in the long term only through the exchange of mutual benefits, like marriage itself. It is very difficult for a happy marriage to be sustained in the long-term if the expected benefits from it are not received at all by one or both parties.

Conclusion: Expect the Economically Unexpected

Many Muslims claim that they are getting married only for the sake of Allah; for completing half their Deen, for guarding their chastity. Yet, almost all of them have certain pre-set expectations from their future spouse and in-laws, either cultural or personal.

In every marriage, hardships come. Jobs are lost. Careers get switched. Debts get incurred. Homes need to be sold. Cars become worn.

While factors like money, owning other forms of wealth, and the couple’s standard of living do affect the happiness of their marriage, keeping low expectations regarding future economic prosperity helps sustain the bond in the long term.

In this regard, it is my personal opinion that the parents of the husband and wife play a pivotal role in ensuring the long-term happiness of their wards’ marital union, by consciously refraining from judging it’s success only with the “economic power and prestige” yardstick.

• Not her real name

First published: January 2014