Dear Sister Aisha, I wanted to talk to you after reading some of the answers which you gave to the people in need.
I loved your style so decided to talk to you. I surely think you will help me in this regard inShaAllah.
Alhamdulillah I am a good looking and independent woman who is working as a consultant and I try to practice deen as best as I can.
The thing that I am very much worried about is that I am not able to get married (I have crossed thirty already).
Every time a proposal comes, initially it looks like this is the one, and everything and everyone seems so happy and satisfied.
I do not know what happens after some time things become so complicated for one reason or the other, and then it all vanishes into nowhere.
Alhamdulillah the proposals are coming but never had it reached the final stage. I wonder when would that happen as I seriously want to become a good wife and mother, but things are just not happening.
When I see others who are younger, or they are not as beautiful or religious, yet they get married so easily, I wonder what’s the matter with me.
This has taken a toll on my confidence and my self-esteem and I am not able to concentrate on my professional work as efficiently as I should.
I avoid revealing my age to anybody. I avoid being in the company of old friends or relatives. I am a bit shy in nature and dont know how to handle such feelings.
I also do istikhara whenever a proposal comes. Like a couple of months before, after doing istikhara for a proposal, the course of things went positive initially but soon after turned negative.
Please tell what I should do in this case. Should it be considered positive (as things were actually positive initially) or negative (as the things are not moving forward now)?
I wonder whether I am able interpret the results of istikhara correctly or not.
Alhamdulilah I don’t have any regret for the proposals that came earlier because somewhere I think they were not right for me. Then, what is good for me?
When I talk to my family, they just say, “Wait for the right time, it will come.” Is it that Allah is unhappy with me? Is it that I am not good enough or cannot be a good wife?
I usually live alone as I work away from my hometown, and these type of thoughts disturb me a lot. I am not able to live happily.
I often get casual friendship requests (even from married men) just for fun, but I am not interested in these types of relationships.
I always pray that Allah keeps me away and protect me from this type of people and thoughts.
Ameen. However, sometimes I do think, “Why I am not getting what I want and keep getting what I don’t want?”
Please guide me on what I should do. If you could also tell me something to recite, or to do in order to counter this state of mind and to clear the obstacles and feel confident in my day-to-day life, I would really appreciate it. Thank you!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Trust Allah; perhaps Allah in His mercy and love for you is blocking relationships that will not work to save you for the one that will.
•Make a list of the qualities that you absolutely have to have in a spouse.
•Make another list of qualities that would be nice to have. That way you can be sure in your heart that you are not being too choosy, yet you are being choosy enough to know that whoever you marry you both will be happy, insha’Allah.
•Attend Islamic events as much as you can.
•Shift your mind frame from wishing and wanting and feeling sad towards letting Allah guide things. You will feel happier and you will develop a stronger light, which radiates around you.
A salaam alaikum sister,
Thank you for writing to us. I am so happy that you like my style of advice. It is only through Allah that this is possible and insha’Allah, Allah will enable us to continue to be beneficial in some small way.
A Common Situation
Regarding your situation, it is not unique or rare. I am not sure where you live; however, I do know that in the United States there are a lot of very beautiful, educated, single Muslim women over the age of 30.
For some reason, to many sisters, over the age of 30 is a hallmark. I do understand and respect the tradition of getting married very young.
It is a safeguard and insha’Allah a nice way to begin young adulthood.
Differing Ages of Marriage
For the most part at least in the United States, back in the days, people got married very young because they did not live to old age.
They used to live to be about 40- 45; hence, they got married early.
As people are now living to be in their 90s and 100s, being 30 is still considered young.
Many women have children after the age of 40. I know that is a big concern when women start to reach their 30’s in regards to fertility.
However, some women are even having their first child around 40 years old.
Another reason for this is that many women nowadays do pursue a career whether they are married or single.
Oftentimes a husband and wife decide together to put off having children until later.
Marrying with Insight
In Islam, however, the best is to marry young and yes, you are still young.
Sister, I do not think there is anything wrong with you turning down proposals. You seem to know what will work and what will not.
That is a good thing. This means when you do marry, insha’Allah it will be a very successful and happy marriage!
It would be sad to get into a marriage with someone that you are not compatible with. It may not be a very happy marriage.
I would advise, however, that insha’Allah you do make a list of the qualities that you absolutely have to have in a spouse.
Make another list of qualities that would be nice to have. That way you can be sure in your heart that you are not being too choosy, yet you are being choosy enough to know that whoever you marry you both will be happy, insha’Allah.
As Muslims, when we are single it is oftentimes shocking and sad to us because we feel and know that marriage is half of our religion, thus, something very important.
We often cannot understand why we have not found a spouse yet.
Allah Has His Own Plan
Dear sister, I kindly advise you to look at it like this: perhaps Allah in His mercy and love for you is blocking relationships that will not work to save you for the one that will.
You, in your wisdom, are able to see this based on your question. Still, not being able to secure a marriage after some time can leave one wondering, “is it me?”
A Reflection of You
Sister, there is nothing wrong with you, please do not ever think that there is.
I know it can feel like there must be, but that is just a human feeling in response to waiting.
Sister, if you meet someone you feel compatible with and feel that spark, it will happen.
You will be so happy that you waited for the right one at the right moment.