I Have to Fight For My Fiancé’s Attention

29 August, 2019
Q I recently got engaged to a guy who is 5 years older than me. He was recommended to us by a relative who praised his and his family's decency and kindness. The guy and his family wanted a nikkah straight away, but my father insisted that we get to know each other first while engaged.

At the engagement ceremony, I felt that I was more confident and excited than him. He surely did appear decent but didn't talk to me other than a greeting at the beginning. I also expected him to contact me, but he didn’t. My dad invited him to our home, and I got to ask him questions and get to know him, but he would only reply politely and didn’t ask me anything.

I tried several times to break the ice and contacting him first, but it didn’t work. Some time has passed since then and I’m starting to freak out. I sometimes get anxious and feel he doesn't find me attractive or will never be expressive in his love towards me even after marriage. I had always been considered attractive and intelligent among my male classmates and colleagues, but I turned down every proposal I got.

I got older still unmarried due to my parents’ immature attitude and approach towards my marriage proposals and started receiving mostly incompatible proposals. I got depressed by continuous rejections, but then my fiancé’s proposal came, and since I found him compatible, I agreed.

However, now I’m starting to have second thoughts about him because of him repeatedly not initiating contact. I feel that somehow God is punishing me because I rejected all those guys and their advances, even though it wasn’t out of arrogance.

It’s ironic that I used to be liked by many guys but now I have to fight for my fiancé’s attention. I don’t know what to do and I don't want to go through the horrible phase of matchmaking again. My father assures me he is a very decent man. To be honest, I do like him and find him attractive and agreeable, but there is no chemistry or pursuit from his end!

Everywhere I look around me I see engaged couples being very frank and expressing their interest and love for each other. I have also started to feel that all arranged marriages are loveless, and that people who are very frank and become friends with their opposite gender before marriage tend to have more honest marriages, but Islam reaches decency.

I have discussed a few things with him regarding my job and future studies since I am quite career-oriented, and he says it’s up to me if I could manage to do it. Even then, these conversations were initiated by me and he hasn't made any effort to know me better!

Please advise me one what I should do? Should I call it off? What is engagement supposed to be according to Shariah? I have made isikhara but I still see no clear answer.

Answer

Salam Alaikum,

In this counseling video, you will learn:

• Ask you dad: what makes him so sure about this guy?

• Be honest with this guy and ask him: “how can we have a conversation with each other because I really want to get to know you better.”

• Test out how he responds and reacts to things.

• If you get no conversation, no values, no opinion of him, then you can be concerned and pause the marriage process.

• Of course, keep everything halal.

Watch more:

About Megan Wyatt
Megan Wyatt is the founder of Wives of Jannah where she offers training programs, live workshops, and relationship coaching for wives and couples. She is a certified Strategic Intervention coach with specialized certifications for working with women and marital relationships and has been coaching and mentoring Muslims globally since 2008. She shares her passion for Islamic personal development in her Passionate Imperfectionist community. She is a wife and homeschooling mother with four children residing in Southern California.