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Shall I Hate My Cousin Who Has Sinned?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

May 20, 2019

Question

I am ashamed of not feeling hatred towards my cousin who did inappropriate act. What should I do?

Counselor

Answer


Shall I Hate My Cousin Who Has Sinned?

In this counseling answer:

• If someone does something inappropriate, it does not mean that we should hate them as a person. Just because their behavior was bad, it doesn’t make them a bad person.

• If this cousin is a girl, then you can talk to her directly about the matter to encourage her away from doing the same thing again.

• If you are not so comfortable to talk to the person, then you can bring it up in a more casual way, talking more gently rather than sounding like you are preaching to them.


Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh brother,

The fact that you have jumped straight in to say that you are ashamed is a good start to moving on successfully as it gives you the motivation to make changes. As terrible as it is to feel shame, the good thing is that it will deter you from doing such a thing again to avoid having to experience this again, or in this case, striving to behave in a way that is more compatible with Islam.

If someone does something inappropriate, it does not mean that we should hate them as a person. Just because their behavior was bad, it doesn’t make them a bad person.

karim serageldin & naaila clay

Without more detail on the specifics of the type of act that was committed, we can only take a broader approach in this case. As mentioned, it is not necessary to hate the person, but if it was inappropriate you should hate the act that was performed. Even though you said you don’t hate your cousin, the fact that you feel ashamed that you don’t at least implies that to some extent you are aware that his or her behavior was not ok. Furthermore, because you state that you don’t hate your cousin despite what she or he did will make it easier for you to take action.

Depending on the gender of your cousin will also determine how directly you deal with it. If this cousin is a girl, then you can talk to her directly about the matter to encourage her away from doing the same thing again. Likewise, if it is a male, you could ask a close family member to talk to him.  It may feel like you are interfering a bit at this point, but this is in the quest to direct the person back on the path of Allah and away from sin as a means to please Allah and avoid His punishment. You are doing this for the love of the person and Allah.


Check out this counseling video:


If you are not so comfortable to talk to the person, then you can bring it up in a more casual way, talking more gently rather than sounding like you are preaching to them. If they are feeling bad, then this would be a lot easier and they will need your support in overcoming it more than anything.

Either way, you can provide indirect support in guiding them away from sinning by keeping close to them and encouraging activities that will guide them away from the sin. Remind them of their prayers, for example, invite them to pray with you, or study or read Qur’an together. These things will keep their heart firm in the path of Allah which will indirectly keep them away from inappropriate acts that are not in accordance with Islam.

This may also have the added effect of strengthening your own connection. This connection will lead you to develop hate towards the things that Allah’s hates also which will, in turn, give you added motivation to work with your cousin and assist them in starting away from this thing also.

May Allah reward your concerns and guide both you and your cousin on the straight path.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Repeating the Same Sin: Will Allah Forgive?

2 Reasons Why Good Muslims Commit Sins

Are Children Held Accountable for Their Sins?

 




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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