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I Love My Fiancé, But I Can’t Trust Her Anymore

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Sep 24, 2019

Question

As-salamu Alaikum. I loved a girl. For one year, we are engaged and after two months we are getting married. Halls and everything are booked. Preparations are going on in our homes.

My concern is that my fiancé had an affair a few years ago. She didn't tell me anything unless I got some chat from her account. I regret reading it. After that, I asked her about this and the physical relationship with him. She confessed me that she went to his home 2 to 3 times and first she told me she did oral sex, but later she said "nothing happened like that, I just told you because you were forcing me".

I actually told her that I found some stuff in your chat which I didn't, but I just faked her to get the info. Then she told me, yes, I did and later after a few days she denied everything. She told me nothing happened.

Her ex-boyfriend used to live alone in his home and she went there. I have doubt that she might have sex with him, but she denied. She says she didn't even remove her clothes.

Holding the Quran, she told me she didn't have any physical relationship like sex. It was only physical touch.

I don't know what to do. I have no idea, I am getting mad of thinking of this. I met her twice before proposing. We had oral sex and I tried to engage in intercourse, however, it didn't happen. After the engagement, I tried to have sex, but she cried and she wasn't ready for all this except oral. It may have happened, but we were not having the time. I regret doing that and I always seek forgiveness from Allah. I always pray and ask for forgiveness.

I can't leave her; I love her a lot, our families are very happy. She helped me a lot in my bad times. She loves me a lot, she helped me many times and she never asked me about my past.

She always cares for me. I don't want to leave her, but I don't know what is wrong with me why I am hurting her asking these questions. And she doesn't answer me honestly. I can't imagine any other girl as my wife but her, but I feel very down and depressed about thinking of her past. Please help, thank You.

Counselor

Answer


However, Podbean does post to itunes somehow so I have tried using that option.

In this counseling answer:

• Understand how that makes her feel and why this makes her feel withdrawn and not talk.

• Remember also that she is not even obliged to give you any information about her past sex life, regardless of whether it was haram or not, since you are not married. This is not your business.

• Any sexual relations between you and her before marriage is also haram.

• The most important thing at this point isn’t that you overcome these trust issues because beginning a marriage without trust will not place your marriage in a good place.


Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

Masha Allah, you will soon be married but, unfortunately, you are having some issues before you have even sealed the marriage and this is understandably making you feel anxious. There are a number of things here that need addressing.

Firstly, you went looking for things about her behind her back is an immediate breach of trust. The fact that you searched for this information suggests you don’t trust her in the first place. Understand how that makes her feel and why this makes her feel withdrawn and not talk. Whether it’s true or not she will feel betrayed that you went behind her back essentially spying on her like that. Furthermore, you deceived her to get some kind of confession, so why would she talk to you? Understand here that as much as you feel betrayed, she is probably also feeling exactly the same way too.

I Love My Fiancé, But I Can’t Trust Her Anymore - About Islam

Remember also that she is not even obliged to give you any information about her past sex life, regardless of whether it was haram or not, since you are not married. This is not your business. As you are not married, this couldn’t even be called adultery whether what she did was haram or not, but it is no way cheating on you.

You should also keep in mind here that any sexual relations between you and her before marriage is also haram. As you can see first hand, such relations can easily lead to a lack of trust and shows why this is not ok before marriage.

However, despite these difficulties, we can focus on the positives of the situation also. You had done the right thing in asking for forgiveness. This is a very honorable thing to do. May Allah forgive you and your future spouse. Furthermore, you have good family support from both sides and this can be incredibly helpful for a successful marriage and is something to be very grateful for as not all marriages are blessed with this.


 Check out this counseling video:


The most important thing at this point isn’t that you overcome these trust issues because beginning a marriage without trust will not place your marriage in a good place, to begin with so please do keep in mind what I said at the start when trying to overcoming this; understand things from her perspective, respect the fact her sexual history has nothing to do with you and anything up until now really is a cheat on you as you are not even married.

Also, don’t spy on or deceive her as a this will also contribute to mistrust between the 2 of you. Instead, focus in the positives, stay strong, continue to ask for forgiveness, support each other and appreciate the blessing of family support that you have as a couple.

May Allah bless your marriage and make you both the coolness of each other’s eyes bringing you both happiness in this life and the next.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Is Trust in Marriage Really that Important?

I Feel Dumb & Even My Fiancé Criticizes Me

Learning How to Heal & Trust Again after Cheating




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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