I Can’t Hold Myself; I Want to Have Sex, Now!

19 January, 2020
Q I’m an 18-year-old Pakistani Muslim guy. I have many questions regarding Islam but today I'm going to talk about one of my problems.

I know that sex and having a relationship is haraam in Islam, but all of my friends and people around me in college and universities have sex and relationships whilst still being a Muslim.

I feel like I'm missing out on all the fun here. And if I'm not having sex so I also want my future spouse to be virgin as me, but what if she turned out to be a non-virgin or had an affair in the past. Even if I wouldn't know whether she was virgin or not, but if she would be a non-virgin, I would feel greatly betrayed by Allah because Allah tells to hide sins.

And if Allah forgives these sins, could I also have sex and be in a haram relationship and then my problem with a non-virgin spouse be solved and I could repent then afterward?

My desires for sex are sky high as everyone else around me! What if I control my desires even though it’s hard for me and end up with a non-virgin wife? I feel that would be very unfair.


In this counseling answer:

• Committing a sin knowingly is also as though you intentionally want to be ignorant even when Allah SWT has granted you the knowledge and reverence of Islam.

• Seek the company of those who are closer to Allah SWT and the Deen.

• Channelize your energy; try indulging yourself into other activities such as sports.

• Make a relationship with Allah SWT.

Assalamu Alaikum brother,

In your post, you have raised a concern about how many Muslim boys and girls are getting involved in Haraam relationships. Further, it makes you feel as though you are missing out on something as you are trying hard to control your own urges. You have also mentioned your concern, that if you do control your urges and remain a virgin, it would be totally unacceptable for you to get a wife who is not a virgin.

Brother, you have brought up an important topic, which is also usually considered a taboo in our culture. While everyone else is indulging in wrong-doing we just tend to close our eyes towards it and refrain from bringing it up. I am glad that you had it in you to bring up such a topic and discuss it truthfully.

I Can’t Hold Myself; I Want to Have Sex, Now! - About Islam

Committing a Sin Knowingly

First of all, committing a sin knowingly is also as though you intentionally want to be ignorant even when Allah SWT has granted you the knowledge and reverence of Islam.

In the Quran, Allah SWT says,

“Is one who is devoutly obedient during periods of the night, prostrating and standing [in prayer], fearing the Hereafter and hoping for the mercy of his Lord, [like one who does not]? Say, “Are those who know equal to those who do not know?” Only they will remember [who are] people of understanding.” [39:9]

In another verse, Allah SWT says,

“Allah accepts only the repentance of those who do evil in ignorance and foolishness and repent soon afterwards; it is they to whom Allah will forgive and Allah is Ever All-Knower, All-Wise. And of no effect is the repentance of those who continue to do evil deeds until death faces one of them and he says: Now I repent” [4:17-18].

However, the fact that a person committed a sin knowing that it was a sin does not prevent him from repentance.

There are several conditions for repentance: first, giving up the sin, second, regretting what one has done, and third, resolving not to go back to the sin. If the rights of any human beings were affected, then it is essential to restore them to him or to ask him to let one off.

This Life Is a Test

Brother, it is important that you understand that this life is a test by Allah SWT. We have been sent in this world for a reason – and that reason is to Worship Allah SWT. There is a multitude of distractions and pains in this world. In the Quran Allah SWT says,

“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient” [2:155]

However, as a Believer, it is important that you remain patient. Further, as a Believer, it is also important to remain within the prescribed limits that Allah SWT has set for us. Islam clearly differentiates between the good and the bad – the right and wrong.  It is always enticing to lean towards the wrong because our Nafs and the Shaytaan are actively trying to make us do wrong and error. However, exerting self-control is what Islam and Taqwa are all about.

How to Control Your Urges

If you are consistently having thoughts that make you want to commit the sin, it might be a good idea to try the following:

Check Your Company

It is possible that the environment you are in, and the company of friends you have is crossing the boundaries prescribed in Islam. Perhaps this is why you are also having thoughts about committing the sin.

Check out this counseling video:

From your post, it does seem that you are somehow really exposed to people who are far from Deen. If possible, try to distance yourself from such company and seek the company of those who are closer to Allah SWT and the Deen.

Channelize Your Energy

Try indulging yourself into other activities such as sports. Try to find new hobbies, perhaps travel and explore the world around you. Or maybe, try to learn a new skill. Prepare yourself for your coming years, when you can easily afford a family Insha’Allah.

Lower Your Gaze

In the Quran, Allah SWT says,

“Tell the believing men that they should reduce/lower their gaze/vision and guard their private parts…” [24:30]

In order to refrain from getting caught up in wrong-doing, it is essential that you lower your gaze and do not look at Na Mahram women since a wrong gaze can be the first step to committing the sin. Lowering your gaze also includes not watching anything inappropriate when you are alone, for instance, watching porn.

 Build a Relationship with Allah SWT

The best way to come out of this phase of wanting to have a haraam relationship is to make a relationship with Allah SWT. Take out a fixed amount of time every day to read, learn and understand the Quran.

As for your concern about a virgin wife, Allah SWT says in the Quran,

“Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness and a provision honorable.” [24:26]

May Allah SWT guide us all to the right path and protect us from evil.

Wish you all the best!


Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Student: How to Manage My Sexual Urge?

Abnormally High Sexual Desire: Can I Masturbate?

How to Control My Sexual Fantasies?

About Zainab Farrukh
Zainab Farrukh is a Counseling Psychologist. She is deeply inspired to bring about change at the individual, interpersonal and global levels.  She can be reached on her Facebook page – Thrive Now