Breakup Got Me Down; I am So Depressed | About Islam
Home > Youth Q & A > Pre-Marital Relationships > Breakup Got Me Down; I am So Depressed

Breakup Got Me Down; I am So Depressed

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jul 18, 2017

Question

As-Salamu Alaykum. I was in a relationship with a girl for 5 years, but she broke up with me 6 months ago. I’m so depressed. I miss her so much; I feel my life is nothing without her. I cannot describe how much I love her and want her back in my life. What du’aa’ could I say so that she comes back to me? My goal is marrying her after 4 years. She is a very good girl; she prays regularly and influences me to be a better Muslim. I offer my prayers now regularly after the breakup. I know she loves me too very much. The problem is that we had a fight, and I told her some bad words and refused to talk to her for two weeks. I was missing her, but my ego was there stopping me to even text her. After two weeks, I sent her a message, and she replied me normally like a friend. But after five days, she suddenly called me saying that she wanted to break up with me because she wants to live alone, her mom doesn't like me, and being in a relationship is not allowed in Islam anyway. She mentioned her studies and lots of other excuses. I begged her for three months, but her answer hasn’t changed: she doesn’t want to stay with me any longer. I talked to her mother who said that her daughter was right and advised me to move on. My whole family is worried about me; I really want her back in my life. How should I pray? What du’aa’ should I say? Please, help me. I’m going mad day by day. I cannot do anything else the whole day just thinking about her and make du’aa’. This’s become my daily routine. I can do anything to have her again, but I cannot bear it anymore; I’ve run out of patience.

Counselor

Answer


Breakup Got Me Down; I am So Depressed

In this counseling answer:

Allah (swt) sometimes removes things from our life for something better. Your life has more meaning than being in love with a girl. Therefore, the counselor advises the brother to move on and focus on other aspects of his life. Getting busy, being social, and staying firm in prayers are some of the tips he recommends.


As-Salaam ’Alaykum brother,

It is unfortunate that you are going through so much pain right now. To feel the things you are is understandable as long as they are in balance with God’s principles. Your life has more meaning than being in love with a girl. Having a wife is one component of your life but not the defining one. You are still young in age and your heart is tender. The tender heart hurts and bleeds most the first time it is broken. When we are young, we feel that nothing is more important than “love.”

In the Quran, God says:

“There are those that love things equal to God, but the true believers love God above all else.” (2:165)

Believe it or not, this includes men and women who are in love with one another. The pain seems to be last forever, but it won’t. It will get easier, and there is much to learn from what you shared. Please, take the following points of advice to help you get on with your life in the most balanced way in sha’ Allah.

You said your ego held you back from being humble and taking responsibility for the wrongs you did towards your girlfriend. Whether with her or with your future partner, you must know the following: when you make a mistake, humility and responsibility are shown when we try to correct mistakes right away. Leaving a wrong to fester will only increase the damage to repair. Hence, the saying in marriage “never go to sleep upset with each other.”

It is noble that you intend to marry her one day, and in sha’ Allah God will help you marry whoever is best for you in this life and the next. You can pray istakharah (supplication for guidance in making a decision) for God to facilitate what is best for you. Maybe this relationship is not a good thing for either of you right now. It might be in the future, it might not be. You can not be upset with God’s will, nor can you make anyone love you or come back to you. Praying for something does not mean you will get it, and wanting something is not the same as getting what you need.

Perhaps you and this girl are not meant to be and you must accept that. There is no special prayer to make anyone love you or go back to you. If the girl and her mother are in agreement that this relationship shall not continue, then you must start the process of moving on. You say you don’t have patience, but the reality is that is all you have right now. Patience is the ability to live with what actually is, not what we want. Being in pain and complaining will not change what actually is; it will only make you feel worse.

If you have any chance of getting the sister to marry you in the future, it will be if you act more manly! Women like men who are composed and dignified. Sounding desperate and fragile does not attract a woman as women seek security and strength in a man! Your chances are better if you are patient, understanding, and dignified in all of this. You must not have your life revolve around anyone other than God for that is your true core of strength.

Start taking the steps to get over your ex-girlfriend if she does not respond to your marriage proposal.

These steps include:

Get busy with anything. Keep your mind off her by not thinking about her and replaying over and over again what happened. You are the only one who will suffer. Move on with dignity.

Remove anything in your life that reminds you of her (texts, emails, pictures, objects etc.) Out of sight, out of mind.

Stay social; be with friends and family. They will offer you support, remind you of your good traits and increase your hope for a brighter future.

Stay firm in your prayers and know that God sometimes removes things from our life for something better. Don’t let Satan make you feel despair and make you impatient and displeased. In all things, there is good to be found, and time will heal.

Take your time with the marriage process. When we are young, we think we know what we want and need, but often times we are mistaken. Trust that marriage will happen at the right time as long as you take the right efforts that follow the principles of your religion.

Do not see these attempts as “failures” but as learning experiences. Maintain your positive outlook of yourself with more humility for growth. The realization that you can always use improvement through out life is a powerful and attractive quality (Quran 91:9-10).

May God marry you off to the best potential partner and make you an incredible husband to a lucky sister one day!

Amin.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.




About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting

Add Comment


find out more!