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Mom Expects Me to Protect My Sister’s Deen in this Country

18 March, 2023
Q Assalam Alaikum,

I’m a 13-year-old girl, who was born in Syria and I came to Canada with my family in 2018. I have a younger 12-year-old teenage younger sister. I feel my sister’s been talking and approaching guys at school, and I can’t go up to her and tell her because she will deny it and will stop talking to me about the smallest details happening with her at school that could lead me to conclusions like this. My mother expects me to guide and lead her from all the things that could hinder her religion in this Country. I don’t know what to do or how to advise her. I’m hoping you’ll help me make the best move and set her back on the right track.

Thank you for your time.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

  • There are Muslims in the West in general, and while there are struggles due to certain differences in values, there are also many possibilities to freely practice and learn about your religion. 
  • Your parents are the ones who are responsible first for the upbringing of their children, no matter where you live, whether in a Muslim or a non-Muslim country. You should not feel that this only lies on your shoulders.
  • Try to be a good friend and companion to your sister. Talk a lot about the challenges you face, and be allies to each other.

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah sister,

Thank you for reaching out.

What I understand from your letter is that you arrived in Canada from Syria in 2018. You are the older sister, although only 1 year older than your 12-year-old sister, and your mother expects you to guide and lead her away from the things that could hinder her religion.

Well, sister, I understand that you and your family have gone through a lot these years. May Allah make it easy for you.

Challenging Immigration

Immigration from one country to another is always challenging, especially if this means transiting to a completely new environment, culturally and religiously speaking. And it can be especially hard if the reason for immigration was a war or conflict you needed to flee from.

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The adjustment phase can take a long time, as you are exposed to different norms and customs and, in your case, even a new language.

I guess you have been incorporated into the school system in Canada with your sister, and probably this also differs from the school and education back in your home country.

Of course, it is understandable that there can be many cultural things, social norms, that are not in line with Islamic standards or what you usually experience in a Muslim majority country. From festivals to dress codes, social interactions, etc.

And it is also understandable that you, your mother, and your family would like to preserve your traditions and fear losing your religion on the way of integration.

Well, I want to reassure you that this is not necessarily the case, alhamdulillah.

There are Muslims in Canada and in the West in general, and while there are struggles due to certain differences in values, there are also many possibilities to freely practice and learn about your religion, and to gather with other Muslims and experience life in a Muslim community.

Your Parent’s Responsibility

At the same time, I would like to point out something very important: the religious guidance and commitment of your sister are not primarily your responsibility, but rather those of your parents. 

I am not sure whether this is what is explicitly required by your mother (as you are there with her at school, you might speak the language better, etc.) or what you perceive it to be.

But you are only 13 years old, and while we are expected to take care of each other as brothers and sisters, the parents are the ones who are responsible for the upbringing of their children. This means certain duties, no matter where you live, whether in a Muslim or a non-Muslim country.

So, while it is alright if they try to instill responsibility in you by encouraging you to take care of each other at school (or you take care of the younger one), it is alright to an extent.

You should not feel that this only lies on your shoulders or that your parents can pass the responsibility on to you each time something happens to your sister.

Naturally, this would be very distressing for you and feel like a huge task and burden.

Psychologically speaking, this is problematic for various reasons, including:

  • You are still young and learning, so you do not have the religious knowledge or the teaching skills to guide your sister effectively.
  • While your parents have “authority” over you as children, this is not the case among siblings. You are rather companions on the same level. It can cause unnecessary conflict with your sister if it is expected that you behave as “her mother”.
  • These expectations can negatively affect your relationship, but they can also cause you stress and mental health instability because of others’ unrealistic expectations of you.

Some Tips to Follow:

  • Talk to your mother kindly and tell her that you can take care of your sister to some extent. You might advise her that this or that is wrong, but ultimately, you cannot be responsible for her actions. Let her know that this is causing you distress and struggle.
  • Ask your mother for help. Be there for each other as a family, together. While she is not present at school, she is responsible for guiding her daughter in a new environment. This means that she might need to learn more about the religion and get ready for the challenges young Muslims face in the West. Here are some articles from our site:

4 Challenges of Muslim Youth in the WestWhy Do You Need Good Muslim Friends? Raising Muslim Children in the WestStudying in the West, I Feel Very UncomfortableTainted by the Haram Effects of a Public School

  • Try to learn more about the religion in the community around you. Spend more time, if possible, among Muslims. If there is a local masjid or sisters’ group, try to go with your sister and with your mother.
  • If there is counseling available for Muslims or for immigrants (refugees), try to seek advice, preferably together with your family and with a Muslim counselor. I believe that this change has affected somehow all of your family, and it would be great if all of you could find some answers to your concerns.
  • You and your sister had to leave your home country and adjust to a new environment, and this itself has its challenges. Plus, at this age, it is also very common that you are trying to fit in. So, your sister’s behavior is understandable, and you as a family need to understand that everyone reacts differently to a major life change like this. At the same time, she will need to learn how to protect her Muslim identity in a new, non-Muslim country. There is a balance between integrating into your new place while conserving your traditions. Again, counseling would be a great help in that.
  • Try to be a good friend and companion to your sister. I think this bonding is the most important in order to have trust and confidence in each other. Let her know that you are there for her, whatever happens. This will help us listen to each other’s advice. Instead of scolding, rebuking, or correcting her, try to be understanding and compassionate in your approach. Talk a lot about the challenges you face, and be allies to each other. You both go through the same thing, but maybe you cope differently. Here is an article that might help you.

May Allah help you and keep you on the right path.

About Orsolya Ilham O.
Orsolya Ilham has a BA in Communication and Manager in Public Relations, MA, BSC in Psychology. She studied Islamic sciences and obtained certificates in Islamic Counseling and Islamic Marriage Counseling. Previously she worked in a client-centered atmosphere; currently, as a translator, counselor, and content creator related to Islam, counseling, and psychology.