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I Blame My Late Grandma for Dad’s Harsh Words

18 February, 2023
Q Assalamu Alaikum,

Recently, my parents have been fighting and my dad has said harsh words to my mother and shouted at her for silly reasons and made demands such as you did not cook food on time, why don’t you cook well, and other silly food-related matters. This is not the first time it has happened. My father has yelled out like this before for such reasons. And I notice a trend that this happens when there is something wrong at work for him. And my Mom told me that this has been a trend since they first got married. I have tried telling my father to stop after their fight. However, he doesn’t understand what he is doing and it only makes the problem worse.

Alhamdulilah, He is not abusive and he treats me well most of the time. However, I feel like he doesn’t understand my and my mothers’ emotions.

I think that the reason why my father is like this today is because of the way he was treated when he was growing up. My grandmother was emotionally abusive towards her 4 children and did not have mercy on them nor did she treat them well. My Dad growing up with her face a lot of hardships and stress. He even got depression. My grandfather was neglectful. He did not spend on his children nor did he show any mercy or kindness towards them. All of this led to intergenerational trauma where my father gets angry over these small issues. These actions have also had terrible effects on the marriages of my uncles and my aunt which in turn affected their children. My Grandmother died last year. May Allah have mercy on her and admit her to Jannah.

Knowing all of this, Every time my parents’ fight or every time my father uses any harsh words I tend to say nasty things about my deceased grandmother. I feel bad every time I do this. I also think about how bad she was almost every and I have thoughts about punishing her by hitting her, etc. These thoughts are bothering me and are leading me to sin by cursing her each time. I am tired of my parents fighting over small things.

I want to know, how do I deal with these situations?

It makes me feel irritated and tired and grudges are making me feel stressed too.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

  • Be there for your mother and show her the love and support that she is perhaps not getting from your father right now.
  • Work on building stronger and healthier relations with your father.
  • Learn from the mistakes of your father and ancestors and put this to use in ensuring a healthy household when you get married.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

This is a very unfortunate situation that you seem to be caught up in, made trickier by the fact that you are suffering as a result of the behavior of others.

Your father’s behavior towards you and your mother is not acceptable. However, I am glad that you are able to acknowledge and understand where his behavior likely stunned from—that is, ill treatment from his own parents as a child.

It does seem like to some extent this softens your heart towards him through this understanding.

I would certainly always advise people in similar situations to look for reasons behind the behavior of the one that they are having a hard time with, as it makes it easier to tackle the problem with them based on this understanding.

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Alhamdulilah, it seems that you have already been able to do this. Do note, however, that just because you are able to understand the seeming root cause of his behavior, this in no way makes it acceptable.

Their Marital Business

The first part of your query is perhaps the more difficult one to deal with in that, whilst you are witnessing your father’s terrible behavior towards your mum and it is causing great pain for you, you also need to be very cautious about how you involve yourself.

It is causing you pain indirectly, but it is also not your business to interfere in their marital affairs.

This is what makes it particularly tricky. It may not feel like you are interfering as such, but your actions toward them could be perceived as such by either of them.

It may be painful to sit back and watch without saying anything, but the best thing you can probably do is be there for your mother and show her the love and support that she is perhaps not getting from your father right now.

This way, she at least has someone in the home to give her the love and appreciation she needs.

Otherwise, another way to tackle things indirectly that will hopefully have a positive impact on relationships all around is to work on building stronger and healthier relations with your father.

This might come with simply spending time together doing things that you both enjoy, and even supporting him in something he enjoys.

Doing such things aside from the difficulties you face with him personally and those you witness between he and your mother will help to gradually foster positive relationships between you such that hopefully the negativity will fade away as you all appreciate each other more.

Pray for Your Grandmother

As relationships improve, hopefully you will also find that your hard feelings towards your grandparents will also disappear as your father’s negative behavior begins to dissipate.

On this last point, do continue to pray for your grandparents, as hard as it may be due to their behaviors that have caused the difficulties that you currently face.

It may be difficult, especially on the days when you feel like you are particularly suffering at the words of your father, but it will help to soften your heart towards them and your father too.

This will in turn make it easier for you to be with him and do more positive things, aside from the difficulties that you face with him.

To make it easier, try to focus on their good traits. Remember the good things about your grandfather and grandmother.

As difficult as this situation is for you, you can use it as an opportunity for growth.

Learn from Their Mistakes

Learn from the mistakes of your father and ancestors and use it to ensure a healthy household when you get married and have children yourself.

You have seen firsthand the kind of damage of this abusive behavior. But you have the power to put an end to this intergenerational trauma by ensuring that it does not continue past you. Remain firm in your faith and afford your wife and children their rights.

Recognize the signs that you see in your father so that if you see them coming out in yourself, you are fully aware of the consequences and can stop yourself.

This is where remaining firm in your religion is key, and to do so at this early stage will sow the seeds for success, in sha Allah.

May Allah reward your efforts to make things easier for your parents.

May He erase the trauma from your family’s life and guide you all on the straight path. May He ease all your affairs and grant you a life of happiness in this life and the next.

Read more from Sr. Hannah Morris:

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)