I've been unhappy in my marriage of 3 years. We are going through marital, financial issues as well as issues with my parents.
We were only married after finding out I was expecting. My parents disapprove of him, and I was also angry at myself for being pregnant before marriage. My parents were not very supportive of us and only helps with our 2 children.
Since we are living with my parents, I feel like we are both outcasts in this house as they don't really want to have a relationship with us.
On top of all that, we have been struggling financially since the very start. Now he has not been able to provide us for a whole year because his job hasn't been paying him. Since the start of our 3-year marriage, I have helped him financially, becoming a breadwinner for us both and our 2 small children (excluding my parents and siblings).
From time to time, I have caught my husband lying to me and we have fought a lot in front of our children, but he keeps making empty promises. I do see him try from time to time, but not consistently and he fails to communicate with me his feelings and lacks the initiative to help me with our problems.
This year has been the worst year for me. Earlier in the year, I caught him cheating when I saw texts between him and another girl at midnight. I tried to work things out with him and he seemed sincere to put the cheating behind us.
A few weeks after that, he left our house to live at a rented apartment saying to me that he needed to stay there for spiritual treatments because we have been sihir (magic) to separate us and make us have these problems. I later found out from his mistress that he was cheating again with the same person, committing Zina with her when I was taking care of our newborn.
I also found out he owed someone money because he went back to dealing drugs and caused him to get beat up in front of me when I was with my newborn.
Now he's been back with me and I am confused. I don't know if I should trust him again. It is making my mental health deteriorate and I have been depressed for 10 years. I'm taking anti-depressants because of all this trauma from being with this person. He says he will try but he's not consistent. Please give me advice.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
What I always suggest in situations like this is to at least try counseling together and do all you can to fix any wrongs and try and make things work. This way, if things don’t work out then you can walk away knowing you did your level best to try and make it work.
You might do all you can to make things well between you and your husband.
Do something fun together, or go away for a short weekend, or have someone look after your child whilst you spend the weekend at home together.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
It certainly sounds like your marriage has been under a lot of pressure from the very start. This has led to continued difficulties between you. You have since learned that your husband has committed Zina and been involved in drugs. SubhanAllah, it is no surprise that you are now suffering from mental health problems.
I understand that financial difficulties often cause men in particular to feel inadequate and therefore find a sense of adequacy by doing things such as having extramarital affairs or trying to get money from bad sources such as buying and selling drugs.
Difficult as it is, however, this does not make his behavior OK and you should never blame yourself for this. He will be held accountable.
Of course, it is your choice where you go from here and you certainly could just walk away from it all. However, you must consider the consequences of this and really think things through. You do not want to walk away and regret it and find that there is no going back.
Couple Therapy
What I always suggest in situations like this is to at least try counseling together and do all you can to fix any wrongs and try and make things work.
This way, if things don’t work out then you can walk away knowing you did your level best to try and make it work.
Get couples counseling together, ideally from a Muslim who will be able to provide the space for you both to mutually air your thoughts and feelings about the situation.
You can let your husband know how much his affairs hurt you and how depressed you are feeling. Perhaps he doesn’t know. Perhaps there is something bothering him too that he would like to get off his chest in an environment like this.
With a Muslim counselor or Imam, you could be advised Islamically also with regards to involvement in Zina and drugs. Perhaps this might be the thing that encourages your husbands’ repentance and to fix his wrongdoings.
Aside from this, for your own mental health, it is important that you look after yourself to ensure that you don’t make any irrational decisions and that you can be in a healthier state of mind moving forward.
Take some time out to do what you enjoy. Spend time with friends and family doing things to give you space from the difficulties you face daily with your husband.
You might even consider taking a weekend away to clear your head a bit.
Perhaps you need longer than a weekend. Take all the time you need to think things through and consider your options.
Get the support of your loved ones so that you have them around to provide comfort, but also ongoing support in the case that you do decide to divorce.
Following this break and some counseling, you might do all you can to make things well between you and your husband.
Do something fun together
Or go away for a short weekend, or have someone look after your child whilst you spend the weekend at home together. See how it feels, see how you feel towards him.
Can you forgive him? Can you give him one more chance? Or do you not feel anything for him anymore? Discuss your feelings openly together during this time and speak honestly about your thoughts.
The point is, he has done wrong, and this is unacceptable. However, you need to tend to your own emotional needs and perhaps do some things together to try and work things out.
Otherwise, at least be confident that you can’t forgive him or trust him and are confident after much consideration for yourself and your children and what’s pleasing to Allah that walking away is the best thing to do, and you have sufficient support from loved one to make this move.
Whatever you choose, always pray for Allah’s guidance and stay strong in faith. With Allah, you are strong enough to face whatever the outcome.
May Allah guide you to what is best for you all and most pleasing to Him. May He make your path easy and always bring you comfort in His remembrance.
Amen,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general. They are purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.