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Making Friends is Against My Introvert Nature

Questioner

A

Reply Date

Sep 11, 2019

Question

I am an introvert person and I don’t have a friendship with my colleagues or fellows because I want to concentrate on my work and escape from discouragement of others. Is it an act of selfishness? Is such person selfish according to Islam?

Actually, I am the kind of introvert person who prefers being with her own family and work. In the last 3 years, I have faced some serious downfalls in my academic career and a decline in my performance in my studies just because I tried to socialize more which is actually against my introvert nature.

This seriously damaged my self-esteem and my confidence as well. Now, Satan is continuously distracting me from my studies through different kinds of whisperings like" I am violating the rules of Islam by not socializing and not making friends with my fellows or any one, or that I am a selfish person".

Kindly guide me! I want to serve and help others but not through making any kind of relationship and spending my time with them. Am I really doing something wrong?

Counselor

Answer


Making Friends is Against My Introvert Nature

In this counseling answer:

• You should ensure that your introverted nature does not prevent you from making healthy relationships with people.

• I would also encourage you, my dear sister, to try and taste the beauty of loving sisters for the sake of Allah (swt) and making friendships with them, even if it is with one or two other sisters.

• Remember, we all may have certain traits by nature, whether they be introverted or extroverted. The key is that we can manage them in a way so they do not affect our personal and professional life negatively and develop other traits that ensure we are balanced.


Salam Aleikom,

Thank you for your question. I think there are two separate issues here to cover.

One is inherent characteristics or a type of “nature” that we are born with and/or were nurtured into, and the other is traits that we can purposely adopt because they are good. So, in your case, you mentioned that you are an “introvert”. First, yes, it is normal to be someone who is quieter in nature.

In fact, there can be great advantages to having this trait because usually, it means that you think more than you can speak. Susan Cain, in her book on “The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking” discusses many advantages that introverts have, so I would recommend that as a resource to read/watch.Making Friends is Against My Introvert Nature - About Islam

The challenge for introverts is that in most societies, one needs to be outspoken and social to find more opportunities and in some cases to even advocate for their rights. Yes, you should ensure that your introverted nature does not prevent you from making healthy relationships with people – even if it’s a few, which is perfectly fine. Usually, extroverts are more likely to form relationships with many people whereas introverts prefer to form deeper relationships with fewer people.

You mentioned that you “want to serve and help others but not through making any kind of relationship or spending my time with them”. Again, this may be a preference you have that you need to be aware of and may, indeed, prefer to work with. So, for example, you can do things like write or plan an event. However, remember that you don’t want this preference to turn into a fear or type of social anxiety of being around other people.

You just need to recognize that you prefer to be around your family (which are the people thus far whom you naturally formed the closest bonds with); however, as you grow and in sha’ Allah get married, have children, and start working, you will need to form healthy relationships with all of those people. Remember the Prophet (saw) said:

“He who mixes with people and endures the harm they do is better than he who does not mix with them or endure the harm they do.” (Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah)


Check out this counseling video:


I would also encourage you, my dear sister, to try and taste the beauty of loving sisters for the sake of Allah (swt) and making friendships with them, even if it is with one or two other sisters. There is so much value and reward for this type of love that is not based on blood relations or worldly interest like business or money. The Prophet (saw) said that,

“Allah will say on the Day of Resurrection: ‘Where are those who love one another through My glory? Today I shall give them shade in My shade, it being a day when there is no shade but My shade.” (Bukhari)

So, in conclusion, we all may have certain traits by nature, whether they be introverted or extroverted. The key is that we can manage them in a way so they do not affect our personal and professional life negatively and develop other traits that ensure we are balanced. And with everything, ask Allah (swt) to make things easy for you and to always hold the best for you.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

I Hate Being a Quiet Introvert

Was the Prophet (PBUH) an Introvert or an Extravert?

How to Deal with My Introvert sister?

 




About Hadia Ali

Hadia Ali is a 27 years old Pakistani Muslim woman, born and bred in Norway. She has obtained her bachelor's degree in Sociology from Norway. Currently, she lives in the UK with her husband and two children. Email: [email protected]

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