I’ve been in love with my cousin for 4 years now. Our love is pure; we always pray for each other, we haven’t crossed the limits of halal or done something to disgrace our parents.
The problem is, however, that my parents are quite wealthy, and they want me to get settles with someone who is well-off.
They’re aware of my feelings for him, but they don’t care. Both of our parents were on really good terms, but ever since they found out they’ve maintained a distance from each other, and his mother is also starting to dislike me.
My cousin is a good-hearted man and respectable towards my parents. Although he is jobless at the moment, I’m sure he will be settled in a couple of years. However, my parents still won’t acknowledge him as a husband for me.
My parents are forcing and blackmailing me into marrying someone else, but I cannot imagine my life without my cousin, and I don’t want to love anyone else. Despite that, I know that I can’t go against my parents’ decision.
Thus, I have decided to commit suicide in a few days, because I cannot compromise my life and my love. What should I do in this situation? Is suicide right for me? Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Sister, please do seek out counseling as soon as possible for what appears to be depression.
If you are still feeling suicidal, please inform your mom and go to the emergency room.
The Suicide Prevention Hotline is also a good resource.
Assess your situation with your cousin to determine if there is a positive hope for the future for employment for him.
Remember, your parents have every right to want to ensure that you are taken care of when you get married, but they do not have the right to force you to marry anybody.
Please do speak with your cousin about planning to marry in the near future.
Review with your cousin what the expectations are regarding a job and what the possible outcomes may be in the short-term while he is seeking one.
As-salamu alaykum sister,
As I understand, you’ve been in love with your cousin for 4 years.
You stated that you always pray for each other and have never done anything to disgrace your parents.
The issue you are facing right now is that your parents want you to marry a man who is rich and well settled.
Parents Refuse Marriage to Cousin, Desire Wealth
Your parents know of your feelings for your cousin, yet they don’t care and refuse to let you marry him.
You stated that although he is respectful and your parents liked him, they do not want him as your husband.
As he is currently unemployed, he does not fit their desired category of wealth and prestige.
Marriage Considerations
Sister, as you know, it is important to ensure compatibility and meeting the Islamic requirements when considering marriage.
While having money and material things is indeed nice, it is not a requirement in Islam.
What is required is that your husband supports you.
A husband is a provider for a family, even though often people still have gotten when finances were not very strong.
This is often done to save one from zina or when the couples can agree on a compromise concerning finances.
For instance, students in college may get married while they are still obtaining their education.
In that case, they wouldn’t have much money as they are working towards completing their education.
Couples in this situation usually have a clear understanding of the lack of finances and agree to work together to provide for a household.
This sometimes requires the support of parents. However, it does not appear that your parents would be very supportive of a situation like this.
Sister, I’m not sure why your cousin is unemployed.
If he is in school and about to graduate, or if he has graduated and is seeking a job, that is understandable.
However, if your cousin is unemployed because he is lacking skills and is basically unemployable, then that may be a reason for concern.
These are just some things to take into consideration.
While it is good to love and feel loved, marriage is hard work often a struggle. It also requires a great deal of sacrifice.
Possible Stressors of Marriage
All these things can strain a marriage. Lack of finances due to the inability to obtain a job or have an adequate income may irritate you down the road. It’s just something for you to think about.
Regarding your parents’ refusal of the marriage, if it is out of reasonable concern, such as what is stated above, then I understand.
However, if it is just so that you can marry one who is wealthy and prestigious, there is no Islamic requirement for that.
Analyzing the Situation
Sister, after you’ve analyzed the situation regarding his unemployment, if you still feel that he is the one for you, then I would advise you to think about marrying him.
Please pray istikhara prayer. As you are an adult, you do have the right to make your own decisions, especially regarding marriage.
However, I would highly advise you to think it through and be fully aware of what you’re getting yourself into.
In Islam, parents are not supposed to forbid their children from marrying because of a lack of wealth.
As stated, a husband is meant to support his wife, but it does not entail him being wealthy.
The requirements are that your husband is a good Muslim and Islamically acceptable for you to marry.
In shaa’ Allah, in a loving and respectful manner, discuss with your parents that you do not want to marry this other man that they have promised you to.
Tell them you will be marrying your cousin. That is your right.
Forcing One into Marriage
You stated that your parents forced and blackmailed you to marry someone else.
Sister, nobody can force you to marry anyone. It is not permissible in Islam.
If you marry the other man, it would be because you have agreed to it.
If you are absolutely sure that this person that they have engaged you to is not a benefit to you or to your religion, then I highly suggest that you immediately inform your parents that you wish to break the marriage off.
Check out this counseling video:
Marrying someone you do not want to be with is not good for you, nor is it right for him to be married to someone who is in love with someone else.
Feeling Depressed and Suicidal
Sister, I understand that you feel depressed and that you really want to be with your cousin. You also mentioned feeling suicidal.
I’m wondering if you know that things could change for the better, as with Allah all things are possible. As you love Allah, do you know what a big sin this is?
Sister, please let your mother or someone else you are close to know that you feel suicidal. Also, please call the suicide hotline for immediate support.
I’m wondering if your intentions are serious enough to warrant an emergency room visit.
If you are feeling suicidal, tell your parents and please go to the nearest emergency room.
Make duaa’ to Allah and talk to him about how you feel.
In addition, please call your doctor and request an emergency counseling appointment.
You may wish to explain to your physician the nature of your call in regarding your depression and suicide ideation.
Please promise yourself that you will not harm yourself no matter what and that you will trust in Allah that everything will work out for you.
This may be a test and trial for you, sister. You can get through this and it will work out for the best, in shaa’ Allah.
Stepping Out on Faith-Marrying Cousin
You can go against your parents’ decision concerning marriage as this is your life, and you are an adult.
In shaa’ Allah, you will see that you have the freedom and many options and independent choices as a Muslim woman.
You do not have to marry the one you do not care for.
Sister, after you have spoken to your parents about the situation and stated your position in a loving and respectful way, I would encourage you to speak with your cousin about planning to get married.
You may want to discuss a plan of action for his employment situation and how he will deal with it from his end.
Once he has a plan in place that you both agree upon, it will be easier to plan a marriage.
Conclusion
Sister, please do seek out counseling as soon as possible for what appears to be depression.
If you are still feeling suicidal, please inform your mom and go to the emergency room.
The Suicide Prevention Hotline is also a good resource.
Assess your situation with your cousin to determine if there is a positive hope for the future for employment for him.
Analyze why he is not employed right now and decide if it is something that you can compromise on for a short period of time.
Your parents have every right to want to ensure that you are taken care of when you get married, but they do not have the right to force you to marry anybody, nor do they have the right to demand that whoever you marry is rich.
If you are comfortable with the situation with your cousin, please approach your parents in a respectful and loving way and state your position.
Assure them that you love them, but it is your life and it is your right to choose who you will marry.
Please do speak with your cousin about planning to marry in the near future.
Review with your cousin what the expectations are regarding a job and what the possible outcomes may be in the short-term while he is seeking one.
Sister everything will work out the way Allah SWT has ordained.
Please trust in Allah and make duaa’ for guidance, mercy, and blessings.
We wish you the best.
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