The problem is that his parents are not ready to hear about this marriage issue. They are strictly opposing his decision because of the financial problems in their home. They think he is not ready for marriage financially. He is still trying to convince them hard. What should we do now? How should we approach his parents? Should we try even harder to convince them or leave each other and go with his parents’ decision - which is the most difficult decision to accept. It brings mental stress to us.
I even have a solution to their financial stability. I aim to work after the wedding so the financial situation will not be a problem, inshallah.
In this counseling answer:
•There are many intricacies and practical things that need to be considered when selecting a partner for marriage.
*Do an Istikhara about the guy and his family.
• It is very important to understand what does the guy want and how he wants things after marriage.
• It is essential that you both are on the same page spiritually.
• I would suggest that you seek pre-marital counseling.
Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu,
Sister, I am sorry to hear about the problems you are going through. From your post, I understand that you are emotionally invested in a man and want to marry him. While your parents agree to your decision, his parents are not ready for their son’s marriage yet, since they are not financially stable. You feel that the financial barrier does not matter since you plan to earn after your marriage. Hence, you have sought advice on whether you should try to convince the guy’s parents for marriage or go separate ways.
Sister, I absolutely understand that this must be a really difficult situation for you as well as your family. Most importantly for you, since you are so emotionally involved in the relationship.
First and foremost, I would advise you to do an Istikhara about the guy and his family. There is, indeed, no better guidance than from Allah, in such matters.
Coming to my personal opinion, I would advise you to think beyond your emotions and also give some thought whether this match would be a practical one. I know, there’s a certain age when we are overwhelmed with emotions and give no heed to our elders or anyone who tries to guide us. We believe that love can help us through every storm in the marriage and forward. However, unfortunately, that is not always the case in real life. There are many intricacies and practical things that need to be considered when selecting a partner for marriage.
Sister, believe it or not, marrying someone below your financial status almost always causes problems in a marriage. While in the beginning things may be okay, as time passes, you will start feeling “restricted” or “suffocated” because you would not be able to spend as easily as you were able to in your parents’ home, or when you were living independently.
Even if you plan to work, after marriage there are certain things to consider. For instance, the husband may not permit to work. Or if he permits, he may not permit you to work in a certain setting, or have objections about your work timings, etc.
Furthermore, once you are married, there is a pressure on you to start a family. After having children, not only does it become impossible to step immediately into a career, but the expenses that come with children, cause further problems and relationship problems with your spouse if you are financially tight.
Family Plays a Big Role
The second thing to consider is the family you would be marrying into. In the Subcontinent, the husband’s family plays a huge role in the newly wedded couple’s life. If they do not approve of your marriage, it can cause problems, which will also strain the relationship between you and your husband.
Get the Guy’s Perspective
It is very important to understand what does the guy want and how he wants things after marriage. While a lot of men say that they will have no objection to their wife working after marriage, it is commonly seen that men usually do have a problem with their wives working, especially if the wife earns more than the husband. It may turn into a power struggle.
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Another perspective of you offering to work may be that your future husband could shirk off his responsibilities and dismiss the idea that it is a husband’s responsibility to provide for the family. In either case, you may need to make it very clear from the start about what you both want.
Other than the financial issues, there are other concerns which also determine the success of a marriage. It is essential that you both are on the same page spiritually. It is most advisable to marry someone on the basis of their Deen. If his religious views are different, or his knowledge about Deen is poor, then it also may cause problems for you in marital life.
In the Quran Allah SWT says,
“It is only those who have knowledge among His slaves that fear Allâh” [35:28]
Therefore, for a person to be truly God-fearing, it is essential that he has adequate knowledge of Islam, and that he is a practicing Muslim.
Don’t Hurry the Wedding Unless You Are Sure
I would suggest, considering all the above points, not to hurry the marriage. But it is also important to keep in mind that Islam does not allow mixing with the opposite gender. Therefore, it would be in your interest not spend time with the guy, unless you also have another Mahram by your side.
Wait and see how things turn out for the guy and his family.
Also, let the guy put in the effort to convince his parents rather than you pushing him to convince his parents. It will also give you both time to see if what you are experiencing for each other is merely infatuation or something deeper.
Consider Pre-Marital Counseling
Marriage is a serious decision. If you still feel as though you need more advice, I would suggest that you seek pre-marital counseling. That way, you can have a better idea of your own values as well as those of the guy you wish to marry. And it would allow you to find out if he would truly be good for you.
May Allah guide you and make the right decision easy for you.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.