Answer
In this counseling post:
- Islamic guidance on marriage provides valuable advice, but it does not automatically mean that people who enter marriage are like this.
- Look for opportunities to observe people in real-life settings—through work, hobbies, interests, family gatherings, community events, or mutual friends.
Assalamualaikum, sister,
Thank you for your letter.
You mentioned that you have recently started practicing your religion more seriously, and that your parents have begun talking about marriage and are insisting that you get married. You would like to find someone with whom you are compatible, someone who understands you and has good character.
You have refused some candidates because they seemed interested only in obtaining a visa, while others did not have a background that matched yours. As a result, you are unsure where to start.
Sister, I completely understand your situation and your feelings. It is natural to want companionship, and of course, you would like to have a true, faithful companion. Religiosity is important. At the same time, having a shared background and a responsible partner too. There is nothing wrong with seeking those forms of stability as well.
Deen and marriage
You also mentioned that you would like to work on your deen first. Let me begin with that because I think there is a common misunderstanding here.
Working on our deen is a lifelong journey. It is not a prerequisite for marriage. You may have come across the Islamic understanding of marriage, which presents a beautiful and realistic union between a husband and wife. Islam provides valuable guidance and advice on how to approach relationships and marriage.
However, this is guidance and does not automatically mean that people who enter marriage are like this. Muslims, just like other humans, have flaws, and shortcomings, even with their best intentions to work on them.
Surely, it is important to make sure that the person you marry is compatible with you, has a good character, and treats others well. Of course, it is also important to have shared goals, compatible personalities, and similar priorities in life. It is beneficial if both of you are on a similar page spiritually as well.
I completely understand your concerns regarding visa-related intentions and relationships in which people do not know each other very well. Where you live will influence how people relate to one another. Social norms may differ from those in Muslim-majority countries, and there can be fewer available networks for you.
In this context, when searching for a spouse, I advise you to approach situations with taqwa, adapted to social norms and your actual circumstances.
Natural settings vs formal interviews
It is also very important to get to know a person as much as possible. In Europe, this can be more challenging, especially if you do not have a large extended family or a strong community around you. Normally, we get to know people better through their interactions with others, not necessarily through formal interview-style meetings. During such meetings, people often try to present the best version of themselves. As a result, it can be difficult to see how they truly behave in everyday life.
I would therefore encourage you to look for opportunities to observe people in real-life settings—through work, hobbies, interests, family gatherings, community events, or mutual friends. Try to learn about a potential spouse in natural situations.
If there is a serious candidate, try to involve your family. Invite him to spend time with your family when appropriate. Arrange opportunities, with your father or another trusted family member, to interact with him in practical situations. Observe how he behaves with friends, how he handles everyday responsibilities, and how he treats other people. How he handles stress, conflict, how he communicates. Seek feedback from those who know him well, as this can provide valuable insight into his character.
Self-awareness
In my view, some of the most important qualities are emotional maturity, self-awareness, and the willingness to communicate, share, and regulate one’s emotions. Being interested in religion is certainly important, but sometimes it is not enough. A person must also be willing to recognize and work on their shortcomings, because challenges will inevitably arise in married life.
Try to keep your expectations realistic. You do not need to be completely “ready” before marriage, and you should not expect another person to be perfect before marriage either. What matters is the willingness to grow and being ready to commit.
I hope this helps,