Answer
Salam alaikom dear sister,
Thank you for writing to us and sharing your concern about your fiancée and his lifestyle.
According to your letter, he is involved – due to his work – in a lot of clubbing and drinking, and he says he does it for the “vibes.” Also, he feels that he will be excluded from the fun after marriage if he can no longer go to parties with his friends.
You write that you love him so much and you do not want him to have a boring life with you. And you are afraid that you are overly controlling and overreacting, and you fear that, in the end, he will abandon you.
Muslims & Clubbing
To be honest, sister, I’m surprised to learn that your husband’s – who I believe is a Muslim – work “involves” drinking, partying, and clubbing with his civilian friends.
You may mean that he lives in another city and shares accommodation and work with his companions, which leads to spending a lot of time together and going out.
But even if this is the case, I am just having a bit of a hard time understanding how he thinks that it is completely normal and acceptable to engage in activities that are clearly not allowed for Muslims.
You say that he is “there for the vibes”, so I am not sure whether he also drinks or not, but even being in nightclubs is not permitted for us Muslims. You can read more about it here, here and here, or ask for scholarly advice from our section here.
Sister, I understand that you are feeling anxious and worried that something might happen when he is out.
Actually, your fears are real, as surely there is a risk of committing a major sin in a club. I think none of you should think that it is alright either before or after the marriage.
What Do You Want vs You Need?
Sister, please put aside your feelings of love, plans, and attachment to him, and ask yourself: what do you expect in a marriage? What does marriage mean to you? Which values you want to keep in the marriage?
Do you think that someone with a lifestyle like this would give you what you need?
Look What You Have
I think it is very important to enter into a marriage with realistic expectations based on your actual perspectives and possibilities.
Does he want to change NOW? Does he fulfill your criteria of the right husband, or at least does he strive for these values NOW?
Please do not take promises about the future for granted. Promises are not guaranteed.
You stated, “I know that I cannot live happily with such a habit.” Masallah, that is right and you do not have to, nor should you.
But ask yourself: how would you feel if he did not change after your nikaah and continued with clubbing and partying? If, for some reason, he was not able to fulfill his promise?
I understand that you love him and you have good hopes for this relationship. But to be honest, the things that you mention in your letter seem like big red flags to me.
What is Boring?
I also would like to ask you to reflect upon your statement: “I don’t want him to have a boring life with me.”
Please do not get me wrong, but why do you think that staying away from clubs, alcohol, zina, etc., and living without following these temptations is “boring”?
I know that in today’s world – and especially in the west – this way of life is normalized, accepted, and this is what social media makes desirable too for the youth.
But dear sister, I would like you to think about the wisdom behind being required to stay away from following our desires blindly:
„Satan only makes them ˹false˺ promises and deludes them with ˹empty˺ hopes. Truly Satan promises them nothing but delusion.” (Quran 4:120)
It does not lead to success, only to harm in the long run. It can destroy the person, his relationships, family, and it is even harmful on a societal level.
According to your letter, you might know it in your heart but just have a hard time accepting it because of your love for him.
You know, sometimes we are tested by having to choose between right and wrong, and the wrong can be seen as “the right”, as the hadith of the Prophet (peace be upon him) says:
“The Paradise is surrounded by hardships and the Hell-Fire is surrounded by temptations.” (sunnah.com/muslim:2822)
Sister, I advise you the following:
Make sure that you follow the right path. Not because you are afraid of being abandoned, but because you know in your heart that this is not the path to success, either in this life or in the next.
Learn more about the teachings of Islam and about the wisdom behind these principles. If this leads you eventually to a breakup – then it is definitely for your benefit. You will see it with time that you will be protected this way from greater harm.
Make sure that you love yourself and have pride in your good, righteous values.
Stand up for these values and make them your principles when you are thinking about marriage and lifelong partnership.
If the people around you have different lifestyles and agree with being involved in haram actions, you do not need to fulfill their expectations by conforming to them. You only need to please Allah with your deeds and not others.
If they find your values “controlling and toxic” just because you stay away from sin, it is clear that this is not the right companion for you nor for your fiancé.
Speak to your fiancé and try to help him stay away from this lifestyle and these friends. Not because of you, but because it is commanded by Allah. There are many halal ways to enjoy life.
Help him and support him in finding better companions and habits.
Learn together about the deen and try to increase your worship together and strengthen your emaan. Fight your nafs, the nafs-ul-ammarah, who is “the enjoiner of evil” by staying away from wrong influences. Read more about it here.
I wish you success and good outcome,
May Allah bless you.
Read more from Orsolya Ilham O.:
- Polygamy: How to Accept Her Without Jealousy?
- Am I Going to Die or Just Having Panic Attacks?
- In-Laws Choking Our Marriage with Their Culture
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