I'm a 21 year old girl and a practicing Muslimah studying in a university. I have a cousin who is studying with me at the same university. We have been together at the same school since childhood. He is so religious and has all the qualities a Muslim woman can dream to find in her future husband. Last year, he was so close to me as friend; he shared all of his problems with me, though I always knew that a young girl and boy can never be friends.
One day, I asked him if he loved me, and he said that he does, but was afraid to convey it to me as I might deny him. I've actually begun to have feelings for him, too. After that, we talked few days on the phone and Satan joined us, but hamduliAllah we realized our mistakes; I have been still repenting for the sin I did, talking unnecessary things before marriage in the name of love. He also said that he is scared of Allah's punishment. He told me that he is going to marry whom his parents will chose for him and said that girls are waiting in queue for him. Therefore, I cut all connection with him even on social media. I'm facing a critical situation in my life. Even if I am away from him, I cannot forget him. No one knows about our relationship.
I'm afraid to tell to my family, because problems will arise between his and my family. The main problem is that I still can't forget him and I love him for the sake of Allah. I pray thahajjud and Istikhara prayer every day to seek Allah's help. Nowadays, I rarely see him, but when he sees me, he smiles at me. I'm confused: does he still love me or not? This is the hardest period of my life so far. I wish I have never grown up. Is it wrong for me to make du'a that Allah joins us again in a halal way? Marrying another person seems a nightmare to me. Please, help me to overcome this. Jazakumullahu khairan.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• You can learn from this mistake by making sure that you keep all your actions halal by refraining from free mixing or being alone with another man as we are told to by Allah (swt) to ensure that you never fall into this situation again.
• Pray all the voluntary prayers, fast on Mondays and Thursdays when you can, and engage in meaningful activities to keep you busy.
• Until you have the opportunity to marry, make sure you stay close to Allah (swt) by going beyond just the obligatory and engage in as many Sunnah acts as you can.
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,
It seems that you have learned the hard way why Allah (swt) tells us to stay away from engaging in close relationships with members of the opposite sex. Let me reassure you that have done the right thing in cutting the connection with him, even on social media, because since you clearly still have feelings for him, it will only open the doors for Shaytan once more if you should maintain contact with him. This might feel very difficult right now when the feelings are still so strong, and it will hurt to cut ties with him, but keep in mind that what is more important is for you to please Allah (swt). If you keep this in mind, it will ultimately make it easier, so ensure that you keep Allah (swt) in mind with everything you do by increasing your acts of worship.
As your focus turns to please Allah (swt), you will come to feel more content with making the right decision to keep your distance from this man. If you care for this man, you will also do all you can to ensure things don’t get out of hand again to protect him from sin also. Engaging in any kind of contact with him will tempt him to go back down the road of haram that you were on previously.
You can learn from this mistake by making sure that you keep all your actions halal by refraining from free mixing or being alone with another man as we are told to by Allah (swt) to ensure that you never fall into this situation again. Also, don’t forget to ask Allah (swt) to protect you from Shaytan so that you don’t become tempted to contact this man again.
You say that the man has other women who want to marry him, so love him and those other women what you love for yourself and be happy that one of these women will have the chance to marry a good man.
As for yourself, there is something that you can do to move on from this relationship besides seeking repentance for engaging in a haram relationship and doing all you can to avoid the same again. You can seek a halal relationship that will enable you to have your needs met in the correct way; the way that is prescribed to us from the Islamic perspective and that is by seeking a spouse.
This way, you will be able to have a close relationship with another man in a halal way, with someone who is able to meet your emotional and physical needs without the need to feel guilty that what you are doing is wrong. In this relationship, Shaytan will not able to interfere because communication and relations between the two of you will be completely halal. This is what will be pleasing to Allah (swt) and will protect you from the sins that are committed by not being married.
Check out this counseling video:
You can see there is great wisdom in why Allah (swt) encourages us to get married. Until you have the opportunity to marry, make sure you stay close to Allah (swt) by going beyond just the obligatory and engage in as many Sunnah acts as you can.
Pray all the voluntary prayers, fast on Mondays and Thursdays when you can, and engage in meaningful activities to keep you busy such as studying the Islam in more depth, ideally with a group of sisters, so you can be in the company of other like-minded people who are also seeking to please Allah (swt). Surround yourself with people who will be a positive influence in your life, in sha’ Allah.
May Allah (swt) help you to overcome your current emotions and make it easy for you to seek the halal way to have your emotional needs met.
Salam,
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Read more:
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-scholar/family/are-cousins-mahram-2/
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/youth-issues/what-should-i-do/
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/want-to-get-married/engaged-but-im-still-in-love-with-my-cousin/