I Rejected His Proposal Because of My Studies

18 November, 2020
Q Assalam alaikum.

A guy likes me and wants to marry me. I told him that he should ask my dad for my hand after my graduation since I have not completed my studies yet. He agreed to it.

He was a friend of mine and we used to talk, but not anymore. Should I tell this to my parents?

I don't know whether he will ask for my hand after my studies, which is going to take 5 years. I don't even know whether he really likes me or not.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

“You should wait and talk to your parents about him when he shows interest in marrying you again. Or you could ask him directly if he still wants to marry you.”


As-Salaam ’Aleikom,

Thank you for your question, we appreciate it. I will try my best to advice you, In sha’ Allah.

I think you did the right thing to tell him to ask your father for your hand. If he agreed to it, then I assume that he knows when you will finish your studies. If you don’t talk to him anymore, maybe he has changed his mind and does not want to marry you.

I Rejected His Proposal Because of My Studies - About Islam

Why do you want to tell this to your parents when it is not even sure if he is really interested in marrying you? I think, you should wait and talk to your parents about him when he shows interest in marrying you again. Or you could ask him directly if he still wants to marry you.

Communication

If you were friends and used to talk, what happened? Why did you two stop talking? Maybe, he thought you were not interested in marrying him and that you were using your studies as an excuse? Or maybe he is not interested in you anymore and seeing someone else?

Here are some signs he may be seeing someone else and that he is not interested in you:

  • The first sign is a decrease in communication. It is when the communication dwindles and never goes back to your norm.
  • Another sign can be that you he doesn’t show any interest in how your studies are going, how your day has been etc.
  • Hard to reach all of a sudden.
  • Maybe he does not talk to you to see if he can find someone else. You may be his ’’back up plan’’ if things do not work out with other potential wife-to-be’s.

HonestyC

Unfortunately, men are not always honest when they say they want to marry a girl. I do not know about your friend and about his intentions, but sometimes men pretend they want to marry a girl to just have haram relationship with her. It is disgusting.


Check out this counseling video:


Men who do that are mean and players. They know it is what she wants to hear, and say this kind of stuff to impress her without really meaning the phrase. Sadly, there are a lot of men like that and you should be careful with them.

Focus

You are still very young and should be focusing on your studies now. When the time is right, you will get marriage proposal from the righteous man, in sha’ Allah. Stop worrying about this guy and start thinking about yourself.

It may seem a little selfish, but do not let things around you affect your studies. Staying focused on your goals is hard, especially if we are talking about 5 years. Always keep your goals in mind and do not let anything distract you.

You have made a decision to complete your studies before you marry someone and you should be confident about it. Stop overthinking. Write down what your plans are. Once the list is created, it can be beneficial to talk about it with your parents sometimes so they know what you want with your life.

Stop contact

Keep him out of your plans as he is not really going to help you completing your studies. If later during your studies you happen to change your mind and feel ready to marry sooner than you actually planned, then you can always talk to your parents about it. But it is important that you go with the choice that ’’feels better’’ and trust your guts.

If, at that time, he still wants to marry you, then you should talk to your parents about him. A lot of people are married and studying at the same time. For some people, the responsibilities of marriage distract them from studies while for some the comfort of a nice marriage and support from their partner keeps them focused an motivated. Everyone is different, so it is hard to say what way would be right for you. That is something you will have to decide for yourself.

Conclusion

I would suggest to have your studies and your family in mind. Study hard and spend some quality time with your family. That is all that matters at the moment. Be patient and keep faith in Allah (swt) as he has the best plan for you.

“If Allah should aid you, no one can overcome you; but if He should forsake you, who is there that can aid you after Him? And upon Allah let the believers rely.” (3:160)

A strong faith can keep you focused on the fact that ultimately Allah (swt) controls all destinies and has power over all things.

May Allah (swt) give you peace of mind and keep you focused on your goals, In sha’ Allah.

Salam,

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