He Loves Me, but I Only Want to Be His Friend

16 July, 2017
Q Asalamalaikum Brothers and Sisters. I am writing because I am in a dilemma right now. I have a guy friend who lives all the way in Saudi Arabia. We have been friends for almost a year now. We met on social media. At first when he talked to me he said he wanted to be in a relationship with me, but I told him no because I am a Muslim woman and I don't want to commit zina then I stop talking to him,b ut he apologized several times so I forgave him and we became friends,b ut most of the time he is the one leading the conversation.This last months he is been having worries and stress so I advised him a lot but it seems that he has fallen in love with me; all I want is to be friends with him but he keeps pushing me and I don't want to be mean to him.please advise me on how to turn him down with out being mean.


In this counseling answer:

In Islam, there are certain rules and etiquettes for interacting with the opposite sex; therefore, there is no real friendship between men and women. If you feel the person is not the right one for marriage, there is no reason to continue the relationship. Therefore, the counselor advises the sister to ask for Allah’s forgiveness and help and gradually decline and block the man.

As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,

Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current situation.

I am glad that you have realized that this guy is not the right one to “fall in love with”. Many individuals fall into the traps of online “love”. Unfortunately, being online, you cannot be sure about anything. It can be a complete hoax and a game. In fact, I am sure that you aware that some of these individuals are not even the person they claim to be. In most of the cases, it is safe to assume that they are online predators.

It seems to me that your friend wants to have a relationship with you regardless of what you want.  Although it is not always right to assume, I think he may have been “depressed and worried” so that he may start conversing with you once again, after you stopped talking to him. It was one of his ways to get you to talk to him once again. He did not really need your advice, he just wanted you to empathize with him and his situation. This is exactly why right after feeling a “bit better” he started repeating his desire to be in a relationship with you once again.

Therefore, I do not think he will understand if you tell him you do not want to be in a relationship with him any longer. He will continue to force you. I am not really sure of what kind of person you are dealing with, so I can’t be sure if he will be completely normal if you decline him once again. If I were you, I would not even maintain a friendship with him.

Dear sister, when Allah (swt) told His female and male slaves to keep their contact between each other limited to professionalism, He (swt) did not exempt the online media. The same exact rules apply. Although through social media the individuals are not in physical contact with each other, they are nonetheless mentally and emotionally engaged.

My first advice for you would be to seek Allah’s (swt) forgiveness frequently. Not only will Allah (swt) forgive you, He will also deter your friend from further contacting you, in sha’ Allah. However, you need to be sincere in your intentions and in your actions.

Friends are great, but why trust unknown and completely strange individuals online? Why not maintain friendship from those who are actually around us – and who are females. As you know, in Islam, there are certain rules and etiquettes for interacting with the opposite sex; therefore, there is no real friendship between men and women.

You can try declining him once again. You must let him know that you are not the type of person anyone can make a pass time online and can behave as one likes. It is also possible that he may even ask to meet you, claiming that he is visiting the United States, or ask you to send pictures of yourself. It is exactly through such beginnings that cyber crime is initiated and young girls, and even young guys to some extent, fall into complete despair and lose direction. You need to be clear let him know. Do not feel guilty of being “mean”. He is no one to you. Literally. Simply refrain from using ill language.

However, if he still insists, you need to take actions to block him. My advice for you would be to take it one step at a time. For if you abruptly start being rude or completely boycott him, he might get aggressive. To lose his interest in you, you need to deter his interests from growing. You can do this by making yourself a bit blander. You will be the better judge on what kind of things you can say such that he feels that you are not the right person after all.

Simultaneously, you need to make yourself unavailable online. Consider the times at which he is usually online, and 4/5 times, do not be online. However, do not stop going online each time. Gradually, after making your online presence negligible, you can block him.

However, please do not be stressed during the entirety of the situation. Be relaxed and if nothing seems to work, seek the advice of your elders around you such as an older sibling, cousin, friend, or a community member you can trust. However, if things happen to get out of control, you MUST get your parents involved. Incidents usually grow bigger and worse when individuals think they can handle it all without letting the parents know.

I hope that you find my advice and practical steps useful. I pray that Allah (swt) grants you relief from this situation and either changes the heart of your friend or removes him.



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