Answer
As salamu ‘alaykum,
As parents, sometimes we get so involved in our own lives that we don’t realize what is happening to our children until it is too late. With many parents of teens in the U.S., this is the sad state of affairs. We live lives completely out of touch with our kids and then one day, we find something about them that we find disturbing and then we ask, what’s wrong with out children?
To get to the point, it sounds to me as if your son indeed does have serious issues that need to be addressed by a professional. Given his history of depression, drug use, his former use of antidepressants, coupled with his current behavior patterns, it sounds as if something is ‘brewing’ inside of him that needs to be tapped.
It is unfortunate that your relationship with your son does not allow discussion of any kind on matters of importance. This is often the problem. Parents and their teenagers allow their relationship to deteriorate to such a point that it is only when there is a major crisis do they realize that, they – we need to talk. At that point, it’s often too late. Your son is obviously frustrated:
- Do you know why?
- Do you have any idea?
- Do have any clue as to what is going inside of your son’s head and heart?
If you answered ‘no’ to the above questions, then you need to realize that perhaps it is you that he is frustrated with. Now, of course, you want to talk to him about what he’s going through, but of course he refuses. Young people often respond to rejection and frustration with such behavior.
Now I know nothing about the young man’s upbringing, how he was raised, his relationships with you and his mother, etc., but I can just say that often young people who develop such an intense level of frustration and anger are reflecting what they feel about their home life. What I mean is that chances are, your son is not reflecting back his anger at a school friend. This goes deeper and it is to the point now that he is undertaking behaviors designed to get people’s attention. And apparently, it’s working!
Another issue is that your son says that you and your wife are conniving and that he doesn’t trust you. You chose to then say that you don’t understand him. My question to you is:
- Is he right?
- Are you conniving?
- Do you ever take what your son says seriously and actually do some self-examination?
Have you ever thought of sitting down with him and asking him what he means by such accusations? Perhaps he could give you some examples and maybe you’ll find that it’s true, although I don’t know of course. The point is that often we dismiss out of hand what our kids say without listening to them because we don’t want to face ourselves in the end. But perhaps this is Allah’s way of showing us that the change that needs to take place must start with us first as parents. Perhaps Allah is showing you that your son is merely reacting to you and your behavior. Maybe he’s trying to communicate with you, but you are missing the cues.
Rather than preoccupying yourself with him and his problems as you perceive them, start examining your own behavior towards him and see what you come up with. Not to say that you are a bad father, but you should take your son’s accusation seriously, and use it perhaps as a way to sit down with him and give him the opportunity to express some of his feelings. You might find that what he says makes a lot of sense and then you can perhaps proceed on how to address some of his concerns. Or, you can explain to him why you don’t agree with him and help him to understand YOU a bit better.
Perhaps he feels he doesn’t really know his father since you two don’t seem to talk much, and perhaps he is deeply hurt and frustrated by the fact that he doesn’t really have the kind of bond with you that he would like or that he needs. You see, as adults we tend to react to our children’s problems with knee-jerk kind of ‘what’s wrong with him’ reactions, without taking the time to investigate the situation honestly and sincerely.
We don’t EVER consider the fact that maybe we are the problem! But it is possible. That is why the lines of communication with our teens must always be open.
From the time they are young children we must encourage them to come to us with any problems they might have, and we must be willing to discuss their problems with them honestly and sincerely especially if there frustrations are about US. Perhaps all that is needed is a bit of understanding and explanation, but the important thing is that they feel that they can come to us with anything that might be bothering them.
If this line of communication is cut off, then by the time they are in their teens they will have already found alternatives (usually peers) and will most likely be somewhat estranged to the parents, who then, of course ask, ‘what’s wrong with our child?’
The patterns and behaviors that we experience with our teens do not occur out of the blue. Of course, nearly all teens experience major changes in personality and behavior due to this unique stage in life. However, often the behavior of teens is a result of the upbringing they received prior to their teenage years, for it is those early years that establish the foundation for the rest of life.
The bond and relationship that parents establish early on in life will be a major factor in their children’s lives in the teenage years. Thus, I am quite confident that what you are experiencing now with your son is not an overnight phenomenon but may be grounded in his upbringing and possibly related to your divorce and other life traumatic events that have happened within the home.
As for now, I would recommend that you attempt to address his troublesome behaviors with him first. Ask him directly about it, not in an accusatory tone, but with sincere concern for his well-being. Also try to involve your wife and if possibly work as a team. This might merely be his way of getting your attention. Nevertheless, the issue should be addressed and taken very seriously because there are certain indicators as what you mentioned that are definitely noteworthy and should not be ignored.
The social worker in me is quite alarmed by what you have found and I think you need to find ways to assess what is going on inside of your son’s head right now. You need to determine what he is planning, if anything, and the level of seriousness. If you find that he is seriously considering something of a violent or extreme nature, you will have no choice but to contact the authorities, unless you can get him to do otherwise and change his mind.
You must take the responsibility as his father to address the issue with him first. He lives in your house and as the leader of that house and as his father it is up to you to take the leadership and broach the subject with him. Don’t give up and say it cannot be done until you have tried and don’t assume anything. Allow your son to explain on his own what is going on.