Answer
As salamu `alaykum,
Brother, my heart goes out to you. As a young man, there are many things that you wrote about that we could call assumptions, that maybe you need to look a bit deeper into. For starters, you feel that you are deeply in love with your cousin. I appreciate your desire to want to marry this woman, but given your present situation, there are many things you have to consider.
Would you quit your medical program to marry her? Marriage is not a simple affair. It is a very serious matter in Islam, as the Prophet (SAW) himself said that marriage was half of din (life transaction). There are many prerequisites that go with marriage such as having the means to support a wife and being emotionally and psychologically mature enough as well. Not implying that you cannot meet these prerequisites, but they are important to think about.
I understand how strong your feelings are for your cousin and that you wish to marry her but you must understand that everything is according to Allah’s plan. Don’t ever think that just because you have strong feelings for this woman that she is “the one.” That is a misperception that can be caused from excessive romanticism leading us to think that because of the way we feel about a person, that they must be ‘the one’. Allah knows best.
I think it is important that you look at the reality of the situation and think of how you would go about marrying this woman right now. For example, are you willing to leave medical school to do so? If so, what will you do for work? How will you support her? Where would you live? What about your family, how would you handle them? These are all important considerations.
Love, unfortunately, is not the only consideration when it comes to marriage. Life is not Bollywood. In real life, marriage is hard work. It involves an enormous amount of self-sacrifice, compromise, trust, dedication, patience, humility and many others. This is where the test of true love comes in. Marriage is a tremendous test of love from Allah, especially in the age we are now living in. I don’t mean to burst your bubble or to make light of your feelings, but it is important that we separate the illusory romantic world of modern culture with the real world. There are many important things that require serious consideration and we cannot rely solely on our feelings.
With all that said, let me address your specific concerns, as you have indicated. Of the three ‘choices’ you have mentioned in terms of what you should do, firstly, I would never encourage you to hate. There has, most likely, been a lot of miscommunication going on over the past three years. You cannot simply hate her for what has happened. It is not an easy situation given your distance and so on. Hating someone never solves anything anyway. Hatred is a major contributor to many of the problems we are experiencing right now in the world. It consumes us and clouds our judgment.
This woman, although you may question her conduct and choice of action, does not deserve your hate. You may hate some of her actions, but you should never hate her as a person. If anything, the frustration you are feeling might be an indication that at least for right now, pursuing this woman in marriage is not in your best interests. Perhaps you should concentrate on completing your studies first so that you can be in a position to make decisions about marriage that are realistic.
In terms of this young woman’s conduct towards you over the past three years, it is important to understand Allah’s commands in light of our own lives. I think your example is great for helping us all understand why in Islam marriage is a very straightforward affair. The way the marriage process has been laid out in Islam is for our own protection.
Even though many people might think it is restrictive, conservative and the like, a situation like yours shows that it is a blessing in so many ways. Allah commands us to avoid relationships outside of marriage for the same reasons you are describing in your question. Such relationships, even if no physical sins have resulted, create a variety of feelings, misunderstanding, disappointment, sadness, anger, frustration and the like. The marriage proposal process in Islam is therefore straightforward and direct, and allows for little room for ill will to develop between the parties. Most of all it requires pure intentions that do not create uncertainty, doubt, second-guessing and so on.
Once one has a definitive interest in another, the proposal is made. If it is accepted, the two marry. If not, the parties go their separate ways. There is little room for problems to develop. In your case, where you have been in a relationship with this woman for three years, mixed feelings, ambiguous communications, does she/doesn’t she, etc., etc., you can see why it creates a mess! Now you are brokenhearted and she is most likely very confused. Allah’s guidance is always for our own good and protection, whether we realize it or not.
In this case, brother, it is my advice to you to decide right now what you are capable of, i.e. are you willing and able to marry right now. If so, then ask this woman to marry you. If yes, then marry. If no, then go on with your life. If you are unable to formally propose to her right now because of circumstances, then maybe you should not pursue her.
Focus on your studies and on finishing what you started at medical school and when you are truly able to marry, then find someone that you wish to marry, whether this girl or someone else, and commit to it fully. You have to understand that getting into these long distance relationships over internet with women that you are unable to marry right now is a danger in so many ways. I am only advising you based on the limited information you have provided me, mind you, so please take what I write in its proper context.
We must always try our best to be at peace and surrender to Reality, as it is manifested by Allah, rather than the little reality we create in our heads. This is the work of the nafs/ego, and especially in situations like this, when we’re dealing with love, the ego can be your worst enemy. I know this from experience.
So please, be patient with yourself and trust Allah and trust that He is always guiding you to goodness, even if you cannot understand it or see it at the present time due to the power of your emotions toward this woman.