I’m Emotionally Tortured in My Marriage

17 December, 2017
Q As salam aleykum wa rahmatAllah wa barakatuh. I got married 5 months ago, alhamdulillah. I agreed to marry him even though we cannot live together now as he is still a student. From that moment, I've been living a nightmare emotionally. It started off with him saying "shut up" to me whenever and wherever he wanted even though I asked him and told him that we had to have such respect between us that shut up could not be said. He kept on with these words, little by little it got worse, whenever I got mad because I disliked his lack of respect he would start accusing me of disobedience and rebelling and yell at me outside or even in front of his mom, he keeps on belittling me by repeating that I'm not a women, that I'm shameful, that he could talk to me that way because he is the man, he recognized being mean and harsh to me because, for him, I deserved it. He told me "it's over between us" several times even in front of people or by phone but every time he would come back and say that it didn't count as a divorce because of his intentions. He wants things to work his way and not our way, he won't take my opinion into account. Finally, he threatened to hit me (but for him its just words he would "never hit me") and insulted me, insults that are so filthy and degrading I never imagined someone could say something like that to his wife. I feel so ashamed I cant tell you but it implies someone doing filthy things to me. Whenever I try to talk to him about Islam on topics such as growing his beard or taking the opinion of one's wife he tells me: I don't want your Islam, he keeps on repeating that I'm misguided and a hypocrite and the list go on. Wallahi I do not understand, I'm heartbroken, I'm exhausted. Every time, he comes back and apologizes for his behaviors after convincing him for days that he cannot hurt me that way, but it lasts a week and comes back to his bad behaviors. He tells his parents every little argument we have, his dad uses the same language as his son, telling me that I'm not a woman and that I deserve insults, that a woman shut her mouth and don't talk back to her husband. By Allah I'm not saying that I'm sinless, I repent every day if I ever made something that could have justified his actions towards me, but I cannot have done something that makes me deserve that kind of treatment (Allahu a3lem). I really tried my best and prayed Allah to make me the best wife possible. I made salat istikhara several times and it only got worse. Can I seek a divorce? I cannot bear this kind of abuse anymore, but at the same time I'm struggling to find the strength to do so. May Allah forgive me if I was unjust to my husband, may Allah guide us all. Ameen. I really need your help baraka Allahu fikoum.


As-Salamu Aleikom,

In this video, you will learn:

How to handle emotional abuse from your husband

What to do if it seems the marriage won’t work out

How to take care of yourself during trials


Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)