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Single Mother with Baby Out of Wedlock
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Single Mother with Baby Out of Wedlock

17 April, 2024
Q Dear counselor, I gave birth one month ago to a beautiful and healthy boy. The baby's father was not present at the birth, nor was he present during the pregnancy, nor is he present with me now. He is a Muslim as I am. I loved him deeply when the baby was conceived and believed that he loved me sincerely as well. We knew each other only a few months, but he told me that he wished to marry me. To have been intimate with each other was a violation of the boundaries established by Islam, this I accepted. The father of my baby told me that he wanted me to have an abortion. I considered this option, turning to Islam for guidance and my family for wisdom. Islam told me that a child is not to be killed except when the mother's life is in danger. My family told me they would love, support and nurture me and the baby. I chose to accept God's will to bring this baby into my womb. The baby's father told me that he loved me and would be with me, but did nothing and repeatedly lied to me and my parents when we asked him if he had told his parents. He broke promises to be with me during my pregnancy and drove me into deep depression and panic attacks with his evasive answers to my questions, lack of availability and emotional support, and ambivalence. It would have been easier, perhaps, if he had simply walked away, but all the while, he continued with his declarations of love and promises of support. When in my ninth month, I told his father that I was pregnant; my baby's father told me that he would never love me again. I stopped speaking to him then to prepare for my baby's birth. With the blessed support of my family, my baby was born healthy. My father prayed in thanks to God when the baby arrived in his arms. My mother has stayed up through the nights so that I could nurse the baby after my cesarean section. The baby's father has continued his words of love with no action. He called one week after the baby's birth and has done nothing for the baby while seeking photos and offering declarations of a future of us together "to make up for the past." I have reflected deeply on the consequence of not giving my baby to his father, and sincerely conclude that it would be best for me to raise my son as a single mother with the help of my very virtuous parents. He has emotionally tortured me and extended not a single act of love toward his son. I will allow some time to pass with further deliberation on my part, but, with the sincere desire to raise my child with consciousness to the right path, please advise me on my reflections to raise my child without his father. Is this acceptable? How is it you would advise me to allow the father to, one day, express his paternity when he has matured? I must first forgive him, and to do so I know I must release myself from his emotional control, and return to my spiritual faith. How would you advise me to guide my relationship with the baby's father? Thank you much for your thoughts for me and my baby.

Answer

Hwaa Irfan
17 April, 2024

Answer:

As-Salaam ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh my sister,

May Allah (swt) shower you with lots of blessings, support, and guidance, in sha’ Allah.

You have been truly blessed with a wonderful family, and may Allah’s (swt) support continue to guide them in your needs.

You are surrounded by love which, to the misunderstanding of many, is in much abundance amidst the worldly fears that many face today.

It is a crying shame that the father of your child could not recognize this and yet dared to take advantage of your love and abused the love of your family by compromising you in this manner.

It is for this reason that both families should meet and discuss the issue of marriage between their respective children in order to ensure clear understanding and the way forward together.

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This would have protected your rights and your dignity.

I do not want you to feel that your love has been misplaced and that you should keep it locked within you for that, in itself, is destructive to your inner spirit and your relationship with Allah (swt).

Your child needs that love that has been nurtured by Allah (swt) through your parents.

It is a precious gift, indeed, and, in sha’Allah, the day will come when a suitable man will recognize that gift and honor it. However, you too must honor and treasure it.

So my sister, give unto those that are ready to receive.

Your child’s father was not ready to receive and honor your gift and, therefore, has much to learn about being responsible for his own actions.

Maybe when he is ready, he might approach you about the child and his rights, and it is this that concerns you.

I would like to suggest that it might be wise to arrange a meeting between your family and his without either of you involved in the discussion for emotive reasons in order to discuss the way forward.

It is not quite clear if his family knows about your child, but if they do not, please do not be surprised if they are reluctant to meet your family.

Do not give up on the first try and aim to put them at ease by making them aware that your family does not want anything from them.

Once there can be some understanding on the situation, then it will be easier for you and your family to know how to proceed.

In the discussion, let it be known that if you should decide to marry someone else, that person will take responsibility for the role as the father (bearing in mind that adoption is not allowed in Islam).

This will alert the father of your child a little bit and make him think more about the situation.

This is necessary to help him come face-to-face with his own feelings on the matter so that more progress can be made for all those concerned.

Remember, your child has rights too, so do not cut ties of relationship with his father out of any hurt he has caused you.

My sister, we pray that all goes well for you and your family, and please keep in contact; we are here to support you!

 Salam,

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