Before our marriage, my husband was employed. However, my parents wanted him to resign from his job and find another one in the city where I work so that we could live together and build our family. Unfortunately, since getting married, he has remained unemployed.
We now have a one-year-old child, and I am currently the breadwinner of our family. I work during the day, while my husband takes care of our baby at home. I acknowledge and appreciate his role in looking after our child, and I don't want to disregard his contribution as a father.
However, I feel physically and emotionally exhausted. After working the entire day, I am also the one who takes care of our baby at night. It feels like I have to carry both my responsibilities as a provider and as a mother, with very little time to rest.
But beyond our financial situation and responsibilities, what hurts me more is the lack of emotional support in our marriage.
I feel that my husband lacks emotional maturity. Whenever he does something wrong, he rarely apologizes. Instead, he becomes defensive and tries to justify his actions. When I cry, even when he knows that I am deeply hurt, he doesn't seem to know how to comfort me or make me feel better.
Another thing that bothers me is that he seems to show affection or become emotionally expressive mostly when he wants intimacy. Outside of those moments, I rarely feel the affection, tenderness, and reassurance that I long for from a husband.
As Muslims, I also find it difficult that he doesn't seem to be as committed to practicing our religion as I hoped my husband would be. I want a marriage where we can encourage each other to become better Muslims and grow together spiritually.
I understand that no marriage is perfect, and I am not claiming to be a perfect wife either. I know my husband has his own struggles, and I acknowledge that taking care of our child while I work is also a responsibility.
But sometimes, I ask myself: Am I expecting too much? Is it wrong to want emotional affection, understanding, reassurance, and care from my husband? Am I being unfair for feeling this way when he is the one taking care of our child during the day?
How can I approach this situation? How do I communicate my needs to a husband who becomes defensive whenever I express my feelings?
And how do I know whether this is simply a difficult phase in marriage or a deeper problem that needs to be addressed?
I want to save my marriage, but I also want to feel loved, valued, respected, and emotionally supported.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- The first years of marriage probably is the time when you both need to learn a lot about each other, which is very normal, especially in arranged marriages. Building that emotional bond requires effort, communication, and a willingness to understand each other.
- You are two different people with different personalities, backgrounds, communicational style, wishes, and goals. You don’t have to be perfectly alike to make each other feel loved.
Assalamu alaykom, dear sister,
Thank you for your question.
I can imagine that you are going through a very difficult period right now. The exhaustion is totally understandable. The first years of raising a child are usually very demanding indeed, and it can become the source of conflict for many couples.
What I understand from what you are saying is that what you actually need is a sense of emotional companionship, and you feel that you are not finding that in your husband.
I don’t know, sister, whether you had a chance to get to know each other before marriage. Could you have any idea about how he handles conflict, practices his religion, approaches emotional issues?
I wonder whether you have been able to explore these differences with genuine curiosity about each other?
On the other hand, even when we have the opportunity to get to know each other beforehand, we still have to recognize that we are two different people with different personalities, backgrounds, communicational style, wishes, and goals. You don’t have to be perfectly alike to make each other feel loved. You can still meet halfway and build a relationship in which both of you feel emotionally fulfilled.
The first thing I would encourage you to explore is whether you are simply dealing with minor, situational differences. Because those can be understood, and you can learn about each other, make compromises, and gradually become closer.
Another thing is if we are talking about certain emotional limitations or an inability to express and receive love, or deeper incompatibilities in values and lifestyle.
For example, as you say, perhaps he approaches you through physical intimacy. Maybe this is his way of expressing care and love. Perhaps this is the language he understands best, and he does not realize that you function differently and need other forms of affection and connection.
The first years of marriage probably is the time when you both need to learn a lot about each other, which is very normal, especially in arranged marriages. Building that emotional bond requires effort, communication, and a willingness to understand each other.
So I think what you can do is initiate some conversations. Try not to approach these conversations by blaming him or pointing out what he is doing wrong. Instead, focus on expressing what you want and what you need.
Communication is important
For example, rather than saying, “You never talk to me” or “You are not emotionally available,” you could say:
“I would really like us to spend some time together every day, even if it is just 15 or 20 minutes. I miss having conversations with you that are not only about our child or our daily responsibilities.”
Or you could say:
“Sometimes I feel lonely, even when we are together. I would love to know more about what you are thinking and feeling. Can we talk about that too?”
Also, would you say that you express your needs clearly to him? Sometimes, we expect each other to be “mind readers”, to know what we want and how we would like things to happen without us having to explain them. But love does not grant full access to each other’s thoughts.
For example: “I appreciate that you take care of our son during the day, and I know that this is a huge responsibility. But I also want to be with you as a couple, not only parents sharing responsibilities. Can we find some time to reconnect?”
And when it comes to physical intimacy, you could say:
“I enjoy being close to you, but sometimes I would love to receive a hug, or simply sit together and talk without expecting anything else.”
You can also ask him about his own needs:
“Tell me, what makes you feel loved and appreciated? What do you wish I did more often? Is there something you feel is missing in our relationship?”
I think one approach that could give both of you more motivation is to shift the question from “What can I get from this relationship?” to “What can I contribute to this relationship?”
Try to see what you can do to make this person feel loved, appreciated, and understood, and invite him to do the same for you. Think about how you can become the wife he would like to talk to, spend time with, and get to know more deeply, while also expressing your wish for him to become that kind of companion for you.
You can also try to acknowledge the common struggles you are going through together. You are tired, and he is also in a difficult position because he is currently unable to contribute financially. This can affect his sense of self-worth and make this period challenging for him emotionally as well.
For example, you could tell him:
“I know we are both going through a demanding period. I would like us to approach this as a team rather than feeling that we are struggling against each other.”
You could also ask:
“What do you think we could do to make things easier for both of us? How can we support each other better during this period?”
Seek common ground
Try to speak to each other from an honest place, acknowledging your shared struggles and supporting each other rather than using each other’s vulnerabilities against one another.
I also wonder whether you have family members or someone you trust who could support you and perhaps share their experiences of how arranged marriages develop and what challenges they can involve.
With time, you will see if this helps growing closer, or you are dealing with major incompatibilities, emotional immaturity, or other issues. Then, trying counseling together could be useful.
I hope this helps,
