I was in a relationship with someone for eight years who completely messed up my life and my emotions. I met this guy and really fell in love with him. He felt the same way. I wanted to settle down and get married but he always made excuses. I was six years into the relationship before I found out he was married with three children.
I was absolutely devastated and my life fell apart. I felt so physically disgusted with myself that I had committed zina with him on so many occasions. I tried very hard to break away from my haram relationship and I did for a while. But my then partner kept begging for forgiveness telling me he loved me and that he was put into a forced marriage and was always unhappy with his wife.
He began stalking me and non-stop harassing me and I gave in to his stupid ways because I was still in life with him. I continued my relationship with him and asked him to take me as his second wife.
Again he said he needed time. Things got bad from worse with his family and I realized how I was in the wrong and I didn't belong in his life. This had a massive mental and emotional stress on me and I decided to officially end my relationship with him. I changed my mobile number, moved location and quit my job. I came off social media so he was unable to track me down.
To my devastation after my split up, I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't believe what an even bigger sin I had created and I begged Allah for forgiveness. Given the situation and circumstances, there was no way I could have kept the baby so I had a termination. For a whole year since the termination, I was in a state of depression, riddled with regret and remorse for my actions.
I hated myself more than anything in the world and resulted in self-harming. I would cry and beg for Allah's forgiveness continuously as I just couldn't bear the pain of my guilt anymore. No one ever knew about my pregnancy /termination, I kept it to myself. I tried very hard to get close to Allah again by praying and asking for forgiveness and doing good deeds.
I even managed to go to umrah which was a huge blessing. I touched the blessed kabah and cried my heart out. I didn't feel worthy of such a status due to my sins. However, years have gone by and I got married to a decent hard working man and have a family now.
The problem is that my past still haunts me. I can't get over what I did in the past and I just can't let go of the guilt. I live in fear that Allah won't forgive me for the grave sins I committed, and I just can't bear the thought of that. I feel that I'm such a bad Muslim for doing the wrong that I did. I want to be a good example to my children and would never dream of allowing my daughters to be in a situation as I was.
What can I do to get rid of this pain? Will Allah forgive me? I'm so scared about dying and the Hereafter. If I could turn back time then there are so many chapters from my life I would wipe away. Is there anything I can do that will help guide me and get me close to Allah again?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
You are absolutely doing the right thing in seeking Allah’s (swt) forgiveness.
You can use your experience to better yourself and be a good mom to your children, raising them and educating them in such a way that they won’t end up making the same mistakes you did.
Use your experience for their benefit. Let something good come out of it.
Be careful not to keep looking back and wishing you could change things.
Creating positives out of the situation will lessen the emotional burden for you and help you to move on from it all successfully by easing the pain.
Alhamdulillah, you are now married to a decent man and have two beautiful children. So, instead of overwhelming yourself with the negatives of the past that you can’t change, focus on being grateful for the good you have today.
Thank Allah (swt) for replacing something bad with that which is better.
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,
Unfortunately, like many women and men, you fell into the trap of zina and faced the consequences of it. Your sinful past hunts you even until today.
Allah’s Forgiveness
Given that it was an ongoing, long-term relationship you had with this man, it is understandable why it takes such a long time to overcome it. Rest assured, however, that you are absolutely doing the right thing in seeking Allah’s (swt) forgiveness.
However, you do not seem to be convinced that Allah (swt) is capable of forgiving you for what you did or that you are worthy of being forgiven. It is easy to feel like this when you feel that the sin you committed was so grave. But don’t lose hope that He won’t forgive you. Allah (swt) loves to forgive.
‘Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (Qur’an, 39:53)
In fact, Allah (swt) makes specific reference to people in your very situation.
“And those who do not invoke with Allah another deity or kill the soul which Allah has forbidden [to be killed], except by right, and do not commit unlawful sexual intercourse. And whoever should do that will meet a penalty. Multiplied for him is the punishment on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein humiliated – Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful. And he who repents and does righteousness does indeed turn to Allah with [accepted] repentance. (Qur’an, 25: 68-71)
Guilt
Be careful not to keep looking back and wishing you could change things, otherwise it will continue to haunt you. Do not let Shaytaan continue to have a hold of you.
“The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless. If anything befalls you, do not say, “if only I had done such and such” rather say “Qaddara Allahu wa ma sha’a fa’ala (Allah has decreed and whatever he wills, He does).” For (saying) ‘If’ opens (the door) to the deeds of Satan.'” (Ibn Majah)
Instead, have faith in Allah’s (swt) forgiveness and use your experience for positive things.
You need to begin by forgiving yourself before your feelings of guilt completely take over your life. Sure, you were weak and continued to go back to him, but at the same time he led you astray and lied to.
Check out this counseling video:
Rectify
Alhamdulillah, you have rectified this, moved on, quit the relationship and are now in a halal relationship. This indicates that you have gone further than just asking for forgiveness; you have done your best to ensure that you do not fall into the same problems again.
By continuing to ask Allah’s (swt) forgiveness and doing all you can to remain close to Him, eventually, you will genuinely believe in His level of forgiveness and mercy. This will make things easier for you.
In order to do this, you can increase your voluntary acts. Pray the Sunnah prayers, read the Qur’an on a daily basis, and ensure that you make all the necessary supplications to keep Allah (swt) in mind always. So, for example, say the du’aa’ before eating, when entering the home, etc.
Similarly, spending time with good people will also help you to keep Allah (swt) in mind.
If you continue to beat yourself up about it, it will impact on your relationship with your husband and children. This would not be fair to them. They need your full attention.
There is nothing you can do to go back and change what happened, but you can learn from your mistake and continue to repent.
Conclusion
You can use your experience to better yourself and be a good mom to your children, raising them and educating them in such a way that they won’t end up making the same mistakes you did.
Use your experience for their benefit. Let something good come out of it. Creating positives out of the situation will lessen the emotional burden for you and help you to move on from it all successfully by easing the pain.
Alhamdulillah, you are now married to a decent man and have two beautiful children. So, instead of overwhelming yourself with the negatives of the past that you can’t change, focus on being grateful for the good you have today. Thank Allah (swt) for replacing something bad with that which is better.
May Allah (swt) forgive you and help you to find comfort in His remembrance. May He (swt) ease your burdens and bring you happiness and success in your family life in this life and the next.
Amen,
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