Nothing I Plan Comes True; I’m Exhausted

08 October, 2016
Q Salam. I am highly confused and depressed. I am tired of the things that life has thrown at me. I know that whatever happens is for the best and that Allah knows best, but in all my life I have accepted things, and it is making me depressed now. If I look back, there is absolutely nothing that has happened according to my wish. I worked hard for my A levels, and just one week before the exam, I fell sick with jaundice. I accepted it; however, it still pinches me even today. I haven’t been able to build an academic career like I thought I would despite being highly ambitious. I applied to a foreign university and got in, but my parents didn’t let me go. I accepted it. I am currently doing a postgraduate degree in economics although I wanted to be a commercial pilot, and Allah knows how much I struggled for it but never made it. I accepted it. I met a man who I thought was the “one” for me. I truly felt Allah made us soul mates. The relationship gave me a feeling that everything is going to be okay from now. I became a calm, patient, and wiser person. However, that, too, didn’t lead to anywhere despite I was so sure that Allah wanted this for me. I still accepted it. Meanwhile, a very old friend of mine, who liked me for long time, came in the picture. I told him the truth about how I found somebody and developed a deep connection with him. but it didn’t work at the end. The friend still accepted me. He has been the kindest person to me. I accepted it even though he and I did not have the best of understanding like I had with the other guy. But I kept on telling myself that maybe this is what Allah wants and nobody is perfect. I knew in my heart that in today’s time where people leave when things get tough this man won’t do so. As the relationship progressed with this friend, he asked me if I wanted to marry him. I wasn’t so sure but gave in. About a year and half ago, I saw a dream in which I was walking inside a graveyard confused but as I walked out, I saw a lantern with light. The graveyard happens to be located where my friend lives. So my sense could only interpret that the graves say that I must bury all old hopes and wishes and move on towards this friend of mine. And I did. In fact, I fell in love with him. He then asked his parents… and they said no. I can’t accept anymore. I understand how important one’s parents’ permission is in marriage, but it hurts terribly. Even if he chooses me over them (which I never want him to do), he will despise me for that later on in his life. The rejection made me remember every single rejection of my life. I am brutally hurt and can’t concentrate. I haven’t spoken to him because I just don’t know what to say or do anymore. He got quite worried but then got angry thinking that maybe I blame him for all this. I decided to give it 40 days (of silence towards him) to see if I could accept this, too. I am 5 days through of not talking to him, but again it just hurts too much. I cry almost every day and sometimes question Allah why He does this to me (May He forgive me for this.) I need to be settled now, but I feel emotionally and spiritually out of control. I try to pray, do zikr, and keep positive, but it’s just not working. Please help me out of this depression. I just need somebody to tell me that Allah’s help is not far, and He sees how I am suffering. Please suggest me if the decision to remain silent for 40 days is correct. I don’t have anyone to speak to. May Allah bless you whoever you are.



Wa Alaykum Salam Sister,

I shall begin with the end. You are not being rejected. You perceive this process as a series of rejections, but in reality, you are awakening. This will make sense to you over time.

‘First of all, you have to know that Allah promised us that He responds to our prayers. He says in the Quran:

“And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me – indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.” (2:186)

However, it is also important to understand that a response to a du’aa’ may not be exactly what you expect. God may respond and fulfill the desire of a person immediately. Sometimes duas are answered very quickly. However, sometimes God responds in a different way; He might keep some evil away from the supplicant, or He will reward him with something good but not exactly what the supplicant asked for. It is important to remember that God knows what the future holds and we do not.”

Events in one’s life can be also tests from Allah as He says in the Quran:

“Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere.” (2:155)

So, try to look at your life events in the light of these previous thoughts. Maybe the first person you wanted to marry would have abused you or your kids later; maybe you have more skills and affinity for economic than for being a pilot. Allah knows best. Be sure that Allah answers your prayers in the best possible way – just be patient.’ (The editor’s note) 

Also, there appears to be a disconnection between your conscious self and your soul self. There is not such disconnect in reality, but just as it is when we are asleep, we might forget that we have bodies in the Earth, and when we are going about our daily business, we might forget our experiences that we have when we are asleep. There is within us a constant observer that is aware of our experiences in all dimensions at all times. This is the part of us that is also constantly aware of our connection with Allah. This is the part of us that access ’The Guiding Light” of Allah. This is the lamp in your dream. Although things did not unfold as you thought they should, they unfolded in a most perfect way for the development of your soul and for the awakening of your awareness of that part of you; this observer and intuition.

Part of you experiences suffering from these apparent disappointments. But another part of you is very aware that this is your own unique process of developing into your spiritual or higher self; the ’self” that continually receives from Allah and becomes an instrument of His will. You have practiced what psychologists sometimes call ‘Radical Acceptance’. And you came face to face with your own resistance to your own soul’s desire. Indeed, that which you desire is deeper than what you perceive as events of life.

That you had an ambition to become a pilot tells me something about your spirit. Every external desire is an echo of our inner desire. In your soul, you desire expansion of spirituality and the freedom that can be experienced by living from this higher plane of existence. And you have not been denied this desire. It is your desire that brought on these experiences. Your intuition is very much on target, and your path is leading to great spiritual insights. So, with that said, be patient and it will all unfold for you in time.

The graveyard, as you intuited, does symbolize endings and transformation; a dead end, death of old ideas or dreams and transformation into a new world or a new way of being. And you did move forward as your intuition guided you to do. Your confusion is about the why. Why is this being blocked? Seek the answer to this question on a deeper level, and you will learn more about the path that you are being guided to follow. The way to do this is praying to Allah and making du’aa’ to Him that He reveals to you what the spiritual block is inside you that makes it seem as if you are not moving forward in life. Secondly, ask Allah to reveal to you your true desire – your spiritual desire. You may not get a tangible answer to that question, because you are asking about a spiritual matter, but you will find that you are more ’tuned” in to your environment, and you will feel the guidance of Allah in your daily life. Third, ask Allah if you should remain silent for 40 days or if communication is the correct path. Pray the istikharah prayer. Do not be attached to things unfolding in any certain way.

After you have done this, shift your focus back onto your school work. We do not know why your path is taking you to a degree in economics, but later on in life, it will become clear to you, in sha’Allah. That’s how this dance of life works. Trust in Allah that He protects us from paths which might have problems for us and that what feels or is perceived as rejections or blocks may very well be His protection and guidance to position us for things that are much better for us.

For now, strengthen your relationship with Allah and focus on your studies and see what happens. We do not know if this man is the companion that Allah has for you. Only time will tell us this. You are an honorable woman to be respectful of this man’s parents’ wishes. Let us see if Allah changes existing conditions, or if His will is to move you through this experience and toward new conditions where your own soul can launch in a new direction. Jolt yourself from negative thinking and out of feeling depressed. Call some (girl) friends and get out; have some healthy fun! You are not alone.

May Allah help you,


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About Maryam Bachmeier
Dr. Bachmeier is a clinical psychologist who has been working in the mental health field for over 15 years. She is also a former adjunct professor at Argosy University, writer, and consultant in the areas of mental health, cultural, and relationship issues.