Wa ‘Alaikum As-Salaam dear sister,
Lucky you! It seems you’ve had an inspirational Ramadan! I congratulate you for taking steps towards living your life according to your values. Your question seems to be asking about guilt. It seems that you have a lot of guilt, and you are asking for ways to alleviate that.
Guilt is an emotion, and like any other emotion, it is an important one. Guilt is usually a signal that something is wrong. Uncomfortable feelings bring us to these realizations as they are meant to be signals when things aren’t aligned. Things not being aligned in our life does not mean that something is wrong; it just means that something needs to be addressed so we can feel better. It is important to not ignore uncomfortable feelings, and I am happy that you are reflecting on your emotions and trying to make sense of them.
When people begin to practice religion more strictly than before, they go through various phases until they find a balance. The first phase is usually extreme; they try to do everything perfectly, look down on others who don’t do things “correctly”, and often feel guilty for messing up, even a little. There is a false idea that rules are simple (right or wrong) and have to be followed perfectly (i.e. strictly) in order to gain salvation. People who come from background where they did a lot of “wrong” things tend to be harder on themselves and feel that they have to compensate by doing everything correctly.
It is important to look at religion holistically. There are 3 main parts to following Islam: Shariah (rules/laws), Aqeedah (theology/belief) and Ihsan (spirituality). You have come to have an increased value of the rules and are hopeful that this will make you feel better spiritually. Do not forget, however, what Muslims are taught to believe in. I encourage you to read or take classes and learn about the mercy of Allah and His forgiveness. Our religion is based on mercy. Although justice is never minimalized, we are always taught that Allah is most Merciful.
I am not an Islamic scholar and cannot comment on what du’aas could help you in your feelings of guilt. I advise you to consult our Ask the Scholar section or this point. I can tell you, however, that your guilt may be stemming from a false notion that you should have done things better in your past, and now you have to correct things. There is no such belief in our faith.
Our faith advocates that people do their best in every moment. In your younger years, you did what you felt was best for you even if it wasn’t aligned with your current value system. We believe that whatever happens is for the best even if we do not understand the reason behind it. Perhaps, you can reflect on some possible benefits of your past experiences. Your guilt is an indication that you have not made peace with your past, and you may want to spend some time coming to terms with your past by reminding yourself of Allah’s mercy.
May you find peace in that which is good for you,
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