My Husband is too Vanilla During Intimacy

17 September, 2020
QI have been married for a year. And he is amazing as a person. I am constantly told that I am lucky because it is very rare to find a good Muslim guy. He is not only non traditional in a sense that he doesn't expect me to cook, do chores, or have food on table, but also that he is the main financial provider, and doesn't expect me to give him my salary.

My in laws are also not evil, lol I mean I know the words I use sound childish but I have seen my mom and other south Asian folks are just pure torture even the ones who grew up here. I have a brother in law who is young yet he demands and gets angry when the food isn't on table.

I don't do any chores unless I feel like it. I don't cook traditional food, and if I crave anything, my husband kindly cooks it for me. Oh and despite studying for my own career, I spend my husband's money like crazy when I feel like it.

Here is my problem: He is too vanilla. He isn't romantic. I always thought halal marriage would be this amazing thing so I saved myself (I would have never committed zina but if I knew that arranged marriage sucks just as much as love marriage, I would have never said yes to being married).

I don't feel orgasm during our sex, I feel frustrated by the way he kisses. Sex just doesn't feel good to me, and I reject him like 9/10 times. The only time I have sex with him or initiate it is if I am imagining having sex with someone else in my head, like a book character or a tv show scene.

The second problem is I don't find him romantic. I wished if he would be someone who brings me flowers or writes a letter to say sorry. My husband says sorry but he is so so boring.

But he isn't boring in terms of hobbies. I love that he has links (which helped me land a $$$ well paying career), he travels a ton, which again makes me feel awesome because I never traveled before, and he knows how to swim, is brave enough to take a bullet for anyone, I mean other than the sex life, and romance part he is a 10/10.

But I can't let it go. I am crushing on my imaginary characters and am secretly waiting for anyone else to sweep me off my feet.I have zero feelings for my husband. It's not even that I want someone else, it's just that I don't want to be married anymore. What can I do?? I want to be single. I realized except for sex, there is no reason to be married (I don't want kids and like the sweet person he is, my husband is cool with either way) and since sex life sucks, I don't see any point of being married.

I even told my husband directly how dissatisfied I am, and that like in 2 years once I have my career settled I am thinking of separating, he was sad and all but said he is hoping I will grow out of it as I mature or that even if I still want to separate he just wants to make sure I am independent and can live on my own first.

I just need a solution right now otherwise I keep hurting him by being mean to him. How do I relax ?

Answer


In this counseling answer:

Sister, he may not understand how to be romantic. Let us try to help him bring you greater happiness.

Take out a sheet of paper and think about romantic ideas that make you smile. Give him the list of romantic ideas you like and ask him to consider doing some of these for you.

Let him know how happy it would make you. Inshallah this can help him have ideas on how to be romantic. 

Additionally, I want to encourage you to try and be romantic with him. It is not just women who desire this.

I also encourage you to take the reins on this Sister, even if you want him to take charge more in the bedroom, help him get to that point.

Sister, I encourage you to refrain from being mean as you put it. It sounds as though this man is trying to learn how to please you while you are also learning how to be married.

When you feel frustrated and like you will speak mean then take 3-4 deep breaths and remind yourself both of you are learning. 

In regards to your question of relaxing, take some time for self-care, sister. Engage in activities that make you feel good and happier.


Assalamu alaikum,

Thank you for writing in and taking the time to share your concerns with us.

 It is my understanding you are married for only one year to a man who you consider to be good, have a good Mother in law, have open access to your husband’s finances, are pursuing your own career, travel with him, and overall have a good home life but you feel he is not romantic and he does not fulfill you sexually.

You mention if you knew arranged marriages were just as bad as love marriages then you would not have said yes. Sister, a love marriage or an arranged marriage is only happy if the two people are compatible. Both can be happy marriages or end with incompatibility. 

Sister, please be aware sexual satisfaction and overall stimulation is important for someone to be happy. Romance is desired by so many and can brighten any marriage. You’re not selfish for wanting that stimulation, it is natural. 

I also understand you have attempted to bridge this topic with him and explain that you are not satisfied and may need a separation in the future if this marriage doesn’t become happier.

It appears that this man is understanding and has mentioned he hopes this does not happy, but if it does he will help you achieve your independence and happier life. Alhamdulillah, this sounds like a good man. 

Stay or Go

Sister, just because he is a good man doesn’t mean he is the best husband for you. Your family may pressure you and say but he is so modern and kind and understanding with good connections, but in the end, if you are not happy then you are not happy.

You are not obligated to stay with this man if your compatibility doesn’t improve. I will discuss some options you can utilize to try and improve this happiness, but ultimately you decide if you will stay or go. 

My Husband is too Vanilla During Intimacy - About Islam

The good news, inshallah, it is possible to help these issues Sister. I get the impression this man would be willing to try new things in order to please you. Let us unpack that!

Romance and Intimacy

Sister, he may not understand how to be romantic. Let us try to help him bring you greater happiness. Take out a sheet of paper and think about romantic ideas that make you smile. Some ideas for this are bringing me flowers for no reason, writing me sweet love letters, setting up a candlelit dinner, and asking me to dance with you.

Give him the list of romantic ideas you like and ask him to consider doing some of these for you. Let him know how happy it would make you. Inshallah this can help him have ideas on how to be romantic. 

Additionally, I want to encourage you to try and be romantic with him. It is not just women who desire this. Think about what he likes and set up a special night to romance him! For example, you could make his favorite dinner you know how to cook and get his favorite dessert as a surprise for after.

Put a letter next to his plate that says “I appreciate all you do for me” and see how he reacts to all of this. It will make him feel very good and he may realize how happy romantic can make someone. Inshallah as he feels this himself he is more likely to try and do romantic things for you so you can feel the same way. 


Check out this counseling video:


Intimacy

Sister, both of you are inexperienced and still learning how to be intimate. As you stated, you yourself are not a good kisser either. You can try different techniques in kissing, slow down, and explore. Don’t try to imitate movies because they are unrealistic.

If you have specific things you want, I encourage you to tell him. Let him know you want to experiment and try more things that are kinky and not so vanilla. You are married, it is completely okay to talk with him about these things and try. 

I also encourage you to take the reins on this Sister, even if you want him to take charge more in the bedroom, help him get to that point. If you want something, initiate it or flat out tell him “do XYZ” while you are in bed together.

He may like you being this forthcoming about your needs and it makes it easier for him to figure out how to please you. You are free to experiment with him and have fun. It is likely he will love you doing this!

Communication

Sister, I encourage you to refrain from being mean as you put it. It sounds as though this man is trying to learn how to please you while you are also learning how to be married. This early on in the marriage both of you are on a learning curve. When you feel frustrated and like you will speak mean then take 3-4 deep breaths and remind yourself both of you are learning. 

I encourage you to use I-statements when speaking with him to avoid making him feel attacked while at the same time it encourages more open communication. For example, “I feel understimulated when I am not romanced and seduced” instead of “You don’t make me feel desired”. One is much gentler and lets him know what you need without him feeling like you are blaming him. 

Relax

In regards to your question of relaxing, take some time for self-care Sister. Engage in activities that make you feel good and happier. If you enjoy getting manicures or enjoy hiking in nature then do it. Work on identifying 3 positive coping skills you can utilize whenever you feel unhappy and stressed. Here are some examples of coping skills to help inspire you in finding yours, please do not limit yourself to this list. 

  • Writing
  • Nature walks
  • Exercise
  • Cooking
  • Prayer
  • Dancing to favorite music
  • Playing with pets
  • Creating art
  • Meditation
  • Bubble baths

Final Thoughts

Sister, this marriage is still new and the first year is often the hardest. Here is a summary of your next steps forward. 

  • Continue to speak honestly with him about your preferences
  • Give him a list of romantic ideas
  • Do something romantic for him 
  • Take the reigns in your intimacy and show him new things you want to try, explore and experiment
  • Identify positive coping skills that work for you
  • Avoid being mean and confrontational, utilize I-statements to convey your thoughts honestly without making him feel blamed

If you still feel dissatisfied once you are able to be independent, it is your choice, Sister. Only you can truly answer what will make you happy. Make duaa and istikhara, think carefully about your life and what you need to be happy. Inshallah you’ll be able to make the right decision for yourself. May Allah (swt) guide you and help you to have a happy and fulfilled home life, ameen. 

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

About Monique Hassan
Monique Hassan graduated with honors in 2012 with her BSc in Psychology and a minor in Biology and is certified in Crisis Prevention and Intervention. She has years of professional as well as personal experience with trauma, relationship struggles, substance abuse, identifying coping skills, conflict resolution, community outreach, and overall mental health concerns. She is a professional writer specialized in Islamic Psychology and Behavioral Health. She is also a revert who took her shahada in 2015, Alhamdulillah. You can contact Sister Monique Hassan via her website "MoniqueHassan.com"