After we got married, it turned out that he did not have a job, couldn't drive, did not own a house, he only had a small 1 bed council flat, and also had no education. I tried to look past all of this because he did show to pray and fast and I had already been divorced previously, so I was reluctant to disappoint my parents again.
Through the time we have been married, he has used my credit card without my consent. He seems to be very interested in always talking to non mahrem, either in the work place or anywhere else. I have found inappropriate messages to women on his phone, and he still continues to not allow me to look through his phone freely.
It seems second nature to him to lie about things so easily, he takes advantage of the fact he has a mental disorder and other illnesses to claim benefits and he exaggerates them to claim more. He has been unable to hold down a job since we have been married. And since we married we have moved house over 5 or 6 times so he hasn't been able to provide a steady roof over our heads. We now have three children. He seems to attract trouble wherever he goes due to his bad temper and aggressive attitude towards people. He is rude and talks aggressively towards myself and my children and his mother.
He finds negative things to say about everyone. Whenever I question him about his own behaviour he says he is like that because of his mental illness.
My question I guess is, are these people with mental health illness such as bipolar disorder exempt from the sins they accumulate, from all the lying, cheating, stealing, rude behaviour? As he excuses himself for this reason.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- It seems that your decision was at least partly influenced by external factors, like trying to please your parents and avoid conflict, and you may have overlooked some of your inner feelings.
- As long as change is possible, he has a responsibility to seek treatment and make effort to improve and feel better.
Assalamu alaikum, sister,
Thank you for your question.
I’m going to answer this question not as a scholar, but as a counselor, especially regarding the last question in your letter.
You explained that you are married to your husband, you have children together, and that since the beginning of your marriage, you have been facing difficulties because he has a mental illness called bipolar disorder—or at least that is the diagnosis.
This condition often involves a great deal of inconsistency, instability, and behavioral challenges.
You also explained that he does not always keep his word. Sometimes he says things that are not true. Your main concern is that he takes advantage of the fact that he has a mental disorder and uses it as an excuse for his behavior. You would like to understand to what extent he is accountable in this situation.
Well, if he does have bipolar disorder, then what you described in your letter about his behavior makes sense to me. However, what struck me is that you mentioned you knew he had a mental illness, and yet you also said you did not want to disappoint your parents.
Authenticity vs compliance
So, it seems that your decision was at least partly influenced by external factors, like trying to please your parents and avoid conflict, and you may have overlooked some of your inner feelings regarding him; is this possible?
Perhaps one of your personal tests in this situation is to learn to be more authentic—to listen more carefully to your own heart more. An important lesson here is to trust your inner awareness, alongside seeking Allah’s guidance. They can help you make choices that are more aligned with your values and well-being.
Another challenge is the difference between knowing about a mental illness and understanding what this means on a daily basis. Sister, I know how difficult your situation can be. Prior to that, did you have any firsthand experience with mental illness?
Life with mental illness
Unless someone has lived through it, especially with serious mental illnesses or certain personality disorders, it can be very difficult to imagine what daily life is actually like. It seems to me that this is exactly what you are struggling with right now.
Now, I’m not a scholar, but it is true that mental illness can affect a person’s level of accountability. In the eyes of Allah, a person’s actions are not judged in exactly the same way as those of a healthy person, at least until they regain their full awareness and recover.
I don’t know exactly what diagnosis he has or what his prognosis is. If he is also dealing with other issues too, such as a personality disorder, then we are talking about more deeply ingrained patterns, and in that case, recovery can indeed be much more difficult.
However, if he is dealing primarily with a mental health condition, then with proper treatment, therapy, medication if needed, and a great deal of care, meaningful improvement can often be achieved.
Why am I saying this?
I’m not trying to excuse his behavior. I simply want to explain why his behavior may make sense in light of his condition. At the same time, as long as change is possible, he has a responsibility to seek treatment and make every effort to improve and feel better.
Of course, this is much easier said than done. I don’t know what efforts he has already made, and I understand that it can feel very unfair if he uses his illness as an excuse for harmful behavior. He still has to do his best to manage his condition and avoid behaviors that hurt other people.
I don’t know whether he has sought professional help. If he hasn’t, try to encourage him to seek support. You can also support him by encouraging him throughout the recovery process. Perhaps the two of you can seek advice together and explore what options are available to help him improve and function better.
Also, I think you can also seek some form of support to validate your experience and understand the limitations of this situation better. In light of that, you can also evaluate what you are realistically able to bear and what you are not. Hopefully, if he is genuinely trying, I think it is worthwhile to acknowledge and appreciate his efforts—not necessarily only the results, but also the gradual progress.
I’m sure that if he feels believed in and supported in a positive way, it may help him avoid falling back into the same unhealthy patterns as often. Your support can make a meaningful difference.
I hope this helps,