Although he is the best man in the world and i would never leave him alone. Now he's experimenting with bad feelings. He is sad.
He thinks he's not man enough for me. I say I love him and I don't care about what he has.
We just don't talk about it because it is not his fault. But I think he has depression.
He says that he only brings trouble and that I deserve better. He asks Allah to take him. He doesn't want to go to the doctor and I don't know what to do?
In this counseling answer:
Husband is feeling depressed because of health problems.
Wife is understanding and loving towards her husband.
Wife is considering ways of assisting her husband with his depression.
Asalaamu alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing to us. As I understand your situation, your husband has been struggling with severe epilepsy since his youth and since you were married.
You assist him once a week with needs relating to that. He also has OCD and mild Asperger’s. He is currently experiencing sad feelings and is possibly depressed.
I can imagine, sister, that it hurts you very much to see your husband suffer in this way of depression and feeling worthless, as you love him so much.
Husband Doesn’t Feel Good enough
Your husband currently feels that he is not man enough for you, that he is “trouble”, and that you deserve better.
Despite your efforts of trying to assure him that you love him very much and he is all you want; he still feels sad and feels you deserve better.
A Beautiful Love
Sister this is a very sad situation. Your husband feels so much love for you and appreciation that he truly does want to be able to do more things for you.
However due to physical and possibly mental limitations he is unable. Despite this, you both love each other very much and that is a blessing.
You sound like a wonderful wife and Muslim. May Allah bless you for your effort’s sister.
A Valued Worth
I know this is not easy on you or your husband, however if you could both look at the blessing of marriage that Allah has given you, insha’Allah it will make it easier. When I suggest the contemplations of the blessings, I mean more so for your husband to do this.
While it may make him feel as if he is not a blessing at first, perhaps by examining Allah’s will, His divine wisdom in bringing you both together in marriage, your husband may be able to see beyond what he feels he lacks and instead see what he does offer.
Perhaps you may wish to make a list of all the ways your husband is helpful, loving, compassionate and a blessing to you. By sharing this with him he may see his worth as you do.
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Examples of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)
If approached from an Islamic standpoint, perhaps your husband would understand your love for him and his ability to make you happy if we look at the marriages of the Prophet Muhammad (PHUB).
He loved his wives and treated them wonderfully. His wives loved him and treated him wonderfully as well.
They had many trials and tribulations I am sure, as times were hard then as they are now only in different ways possibly. There are times of poverty, times of sickness, times of struggle.
However, at all points the prophet (PBUH) and his wives struggled through together and always came out victoriously, no matter what the situation was.
As your husband has epilepsy, OCD, and possibly Asperger’s, there are different struggles, but they are not impossible ones.
Perhaps after years of struggling internally wishing things were different with him, he has become depressed as you said.
Insha’Allah, your husband may realize that the heart does love beyond all hurdles and seeks comfort within the heart and soul of the one that seeks Allah.
Sister, I would kindly suggest trying to discuss with your husband the possibility of him going for counseling.
I understand you have written that he does not want to go to the doctor, however if you could speak with him about the benefits of counseling, perhaps he will go.
Insha’Allah, if you do speak with him, tell him how much you love him and that there could be nobody better in the world for you than him.
Also that you want to see him happy. Ask him if he would consider going to counseling with you.
Assure him that you will be very supportive and that since you are husband and wife, you feel that it is important to address any issue as they arise in your marriage.
Seek Allah’s Help
Allah helps those who help themselves. We understand this to mean that we are to make use of the services of doctors, nurses, teachers, psychologists, counselors and other helpers in this world.
People whom Allah put love and mercy in their hearts to help others.We are to seek services for our physical, mental, and spiritual health.
This includes seeking help when we are depressed. If you explain it to him in this light, he may understand a little bit better and be more willing to go for counseling. By seeking Allah’s help, we must help ourselves as well.
Allah knows Best
Sister, as your husband does not think he’s good enough for you, I’m curious as to what he suggests should happen? Has he spoken about divorce?
I can imagine that if he did, that hurt you immensely. I am sure however that you understand he does not mean it (if he did) he is just sad right now.
Sister, you may wish to speak with him about how Allah brought you two together in marriage and that it is a blessing. Also the both of you are a blessing for each other and Allah knows best.
Balance in Life
Insha’Allah sister, I kindly suggest that you and your husband become more Islamically involved in social events if you are not already.
By creating a balance of family, social, and spiritual life, it may help to alleviate depression by creating new views, new ways of looking at things.
As well as new opportunities for the two of you to bond and get closer.
A date night may be planned once a week wherein the two of you forget about the daily struggles of life and just enjoy one another. All couples need this!
Also, it is most beneficial for your husband and you to go to the Masjid for prayers. Pray together at home as husband and wife, read Quran together, and encourage one another on the path of Islam. Insha’Allah, this will bring you closer together and form a deeper spiritual bond.
If you have family members who are around and can be helpful, or be a trusted successful third party in this situation, please do discuss your concerns with them as well.
It is helpful to have family who are able to lend a hand and possibly offer a different perspective as they know your husband and the situation.
Insha’Allah maybe there is a male family member who he can trust and confide in.
Sister, please do try to get your husband in for counseling. Offer to go with him as a support. Discuss with him the many blessings that he provides as your husband.
Seek out a balance in life and marriage to include a date night in order to help facilitate new interests, continued closeness to each other, and spiritual growth.
If there is a family member who can talk to him as a confidant as well as to help him get counseling (should he resist), please do seek their help.
Insha’Allah your husband, a counseling session will come to realize that he is a blessing to you, as you are to him.
We wish you the best.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.