Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,
It must have been very shocking for you to find out that your husband has been watching porn, the man you hold in such high regards. This must be especially difficult if you have low self-esteem as it certainly won’t do anything to make you feel any better about yourself. Although you say that you “feel” like he prefers porn to sex with you, since you have not actually spoken with him about it, you cannot be sure about this. This idea could likely be the influence of your low self-esteem.
One thing you can be reassured about is that what he is doing is entirely forbidden in Islam and so you are quite right to have concerns – concerns not only for yourself, but for him also.
Porn can be destructive in any relationship and is a habit he has to stop for both the sake of Allah (swt) and for the sake of your relationship together. The fact that he watches porn is not your fault at all, but his own, so you mustn’t feel responsible or to blame for what he is doing. What he is doing has nothing to do with you not being good enough. He has a problem that he needs to overcome.
It is a very difficult topic to talk about, but if you feel comfortable to approach him about it, then you can do so. Keep in mind that not only are you doing it for your own sake and for the sake of your relationship, but to help him for the sake of Allah (swt) to quit a problem that he will have to answer to Allah (swt) for. Like with any addiction, it might not be an easy one to step out of and will require support to do so. So, if you are confident enough to talk to him about it, then, in sha Allah, he will also be aware that his behaviour is not ok.
You can help him to overcome his addiction by being busy with him in more meaningful tasks to keep him away from it. Meaningful tasks such as studying the Qur’an, tafsir, Islamic history, seerah..etc. to heighten the sense of faith and fear of Allah (swt) will protect him from doing any such acts.
Additionally, knowing that what he does might cause such great embarrassment might be enough to deter him from watching anymore because as humans, we do tend to run and avoid scenarios that cause embarrassment.
It is a difficult topic to talk about, even between husband and wife, so it may be that you do not feel confident to do so. In which case you might seek a way to get someone else to talk to him about it, even on a more casual level (another male of course).
Another option might be to give a suggestion to your local imam that it might be a topic to talk about in a Friday khutbah, so the message can get to your husband indirectly. Watching porn is unfortunately a problem faced by many in today’s world, so is certainly a topic of importance that should be addressed more publicly.
In the meantime, take care of yourself. Don’t be hard on yourself because it is not a result of anything you have done Don’t take responsibility for his poor choices. However, you can support him in overcoming it. Remember the good qualities about yourself and continue to do all the things you love to ensure your self-esteem does not get any lower as a result of the current circumstances.
May Allah (swt) make it easy for you, and may Allah (swt) cure your husband from this disease and bring peace and happiness in your marriage.
Salam,
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