Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu `Alaikum Dearest Sister,
I am so sorry for you sadness. We must open our hearts to things unseen and the love and beauty and friendship that Allah (swt) has for us in this beautiful world of His Creation. Sometimes we need a friend to help us do this.
The path of peace, which is the path of Islam, is a path that leads us into a place of contentment with how life unfolds. This does not mean that we do not experience heartache. This does not mean that we get what we believe is best or that thing will turn out the way we believe they should. It means that we have faith that Allah’s (swt) plan for our life is greater than any plan we can imagine with our own limited mind.
I do not know what the issues are or what the barrier is that is keeping you and your husband apart from each other. Is this separation mutual? Is it necessary? Are you still communicating? Does he choses not to be with you, yet you still have a marriage contract?
I cannot tell you whether to ask your husband for a legal divorce or whether to hold on as you are saying that you feel you should. You and only you know your true circumstances as they are not revealed in this post. What we do want to work through, however, is your current situation of loneliness. I know loneliness and you are not alone in this experience.
The course of action that I would suggest here is to separate the two problems. Work on the issue of your marriage and whether or not you want to continue; work on this by communicating with your husband, if this is possible, getting advice from others and analyzing that advice with your own mind and your own heart, pray to Allah (swt) for guidance and direction, and wait until you receive personal revelation. Instead of holding on wait upon the Lord to unfold your life for you and to reveal to you what course of action is the correct course of action if any.
The second issue is the loneliness. This can be broken down into three parts. One is missing your husband – the actual man. The second is that you are likely feeling that you need a man and companionship from a man – needing a marriage where you can share your life with a man. The third is simply being lonely because you may not have a group of family or friends that you have bonded to and feel a sense of belonging with.
Start with the third issue of loneliness. This will make your way better for you. Reach out to your family, or a friend, or your community and begin to live your life in the here and now. If there are any women’s groups, join them. Do not isolate yourself simply because you are married. No human being can just live alone day after day without companionship and support. So seek that in appropriate ways. Some women cannot find a women group, or a woman’s study group where Quran is studied, but they find jobs and some women make friends by getting out and volunteering or working.
Reading Quran will help to strengthen you and overcome that frozen feeling that we sometimes have when we don’t really know what to do. Then reach out. I am aware of the lack of women’s support, especially for women who are either married, but their husbands do not join in the community, or for single women in the Muslim community.
It can be very isolating because women don’t really have a place in most current Muslim Cultures without their husband. That makes times like Ramadan and Eid especially lonely for a Muslim woman if she does not have a participating family system or a husband who is committed to being part of the Muslim community.
I pray that as an Ummah we take a look at this situation and collectively and collaboratively work toward a solution because you are not alone in this experience. We have so many sincere sisters who want to participate in community and feel a sense of belonging and to bond, but do not have a husband by their side to support this process, and our Ummah does not really provide for single sisters or for sisters whose husband is not with her for one reason or another.
So, again, first, reach out to the local Islamic community and see if there is a supportive group of sisters. If there is not, then perhaps you want to find work or find some community volunteers work that will connect you with your community and ease the sting of this loneliness. I often mention reading the 99 names of Allah (swt). This meditation helps your heart to open to the ways in which Allah (swt) can intervene in your behalf. Remember, Allah (swt) is your friend.
Salam,
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