My Wife Doesn’t Want to Visit Me

12 September, 2020
Q Salam.

My wife and I married in the beginning of this year. She is a US citizen. Right after our marriage, she went back to the US and she applied for my visa from her side.

It’s been 8 months and there is still no information regarding my visa status. I asked my wife to visit me for a few weeks so that we can spend some time together because I cannot go the US.

However, she blatantly refused and says that I should come to the US once and for all. I talk to her every day but I feel like she does not want to live with me and is stalling with the VISA excuse.

I asked her this and she remained silent and didn't answer my question. I feel like she just needs a friend to talk to not a husband to spend her life with.

I think about this every day and have been depressed due to it. I don't know what to do because she does not want to have an honest conversation regarding this with me.

I have tried countless times. Also, note that we have never been intimate this entire time in our marriage. Please help me.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

  • I kindly suggest that you talk with her expressing your love for her and your support. 
  • Assure her that things will turn out well in sha’ Allah and that you understand that the visa process is not only stressful but can be lengthy at times.
  • Try to engage her in what is going on in her life, how is her family, what did she do during the day and so forth.
  • I think if your wife just wanted a friend to talk to brother, she would not have gone to the great lengths of marrying you. She just would have kept you as a friend. However, she did go there and marry you so in sha’ Allah she does love you.
  • Brother, she is probably just missing you and wants you there with her now. This is a test and trial for you both to overcome, in sha’ Allah. Be patient. Don’t think the worse. Be supportive and empathetic to all she needs to do to get you there as there is massive paperwork as well as grueling interviews as I am sure you know.

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear brother,

I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having with the visa as well as with your wife in regards to her feelings. Transitioning into a marriage is not always easy. Often times, it gets more difficult when the husband and wife are apart.    

Communicate

It seems as if there is a communication issue with you and your wife. I am not sure when her behavior started to change towards you, but I know that the immigration process can be a very stressful time for couples.

My Wife Doesn't Want to Visit Me - About Islam

As far as I know, brother, you can go online and check your visa status yourself. Although I may be wrong, you should have a case number wherein you can keep track of the progress. There is nothing your wife can do to speed things up with the visa process as they pretty much have control over it once everything has been submitted unless other things are needed.

Love and fear

I think if your wife just wanted a friend to talk to the brother, she would not have gone to the great lengths of marrying you. She just would have kept you as a friend. However, she did go there and marry you so in sha’ Allah she does love you.

Perhaps she is getting discouraged by the whole visa process. Although 8 months is not considered a real long time for getting a visa, it does take time.

She may be experiencing fears that it will not go through. Or she might fear it could take years and be emotionally withdrawing due to that. Her statement “come to the US once and for all” is a clue that she may be feeling like it will never happen. Indeed, it is a very stressful time for most couples seeking a visa nowadays.

Also, she may be hearing things now like “oh he just wants you for a green card. He doesn’t really love you. He will leave you once he gets his citizenship” and so forth. Cruel as it may sound, these things do happen and some unkind person may be scaring her with these sentences.


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Support her

Brother, I kindly suggest that you talk with her expressing your love for her and your support. Assure her that things will turn out well in sha’ Allah and that you understand that the visa process is not only stressful but can be lengthy at times. Try to engage her in what is going on in her life, how is her family, what did she do during the day and so forth.

By not always focusing on the visa issue in every conversation and trying to continue to build with her by asking her about her life and other topics, she may eventually be less silent when it comes to discussing the visa.

When you do engage with her on the topic of visa, you may want to suggest that you both read and share articles on couples going through the visa experience. Visa Journey is a great forum to check out. It may help you and your wife by reading other couples experiences as well as sharing yours. Perhaps, she won’t feel so alone or hopeless (if this is what is going on).

Conclusion

Brother, she is probably just missing you and wants you there with her now. This is a test and trial for you both to overcome, in sha’ Allah. Be patient. Don’t think the worse. Be supportive and empathetic to all she needs to do to get you there as there is massive paperwork as well as grueling interviews as I am sure you know.

Make du’aa’ to Allah that He makes this easy for you both. Pray together, read Qur’an together, and build each other up Islamically.

As you know, there is a strength and comfort for Muslims seeking refuge and solace in Allah’s love and mercy. It will also bring you and your wife closer and in sha’ Allah, strengthen your bond and provide a solid Islamic foundation for your marriage when you do get there.

Please, let us know how you are doing.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach.
Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.