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My Husband is Never at Home with Us!

14 May, 2022
Q Salam. I wanted some advice from a Muslim perspective. I am married to my husband for almost ten years. He has been a good person to me, and for my kids he is a good father; he provides everything to us. The only serious problem I have with him is that he is never at home with us.He works from Monday to Friday and comes home late. At weekends, all day, he is out with friends or work mates. He is a diplomat; thus, we live in a different country far from our families. His absence makes me stressed out and destroys our love life.I have talked to him to come home earlier, at least some days. He keeps saying that he will; however, he never actually does. I don't work; I manage the home and my 3 kids. What I want from him is to be a romantic husband who stays with us in his free time and calls me beautiful names as a husband should call his wife. Please help!

Answer

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,

Thank you for writing. I am sorry to hear of your loneliness and despair that your husband is away so much. It must be hard to manage things alone and looking forward to the weekends only to see that he spends his time with friends or workmates.

Oftentimes, men don’t understand that their wives need them, that their wives need nurturing, affection, romance and the basic supports of running a home.

Oftentimes, a husband thinks he is doing his part if he is providing for his family food, clothes, shelter, and so forth. However, there is much more in a marriage than that.

Al Islam states that “A woman is a center of kindness and a being who is completely emotional”. Her existence depends on compassion and affection. She longs to be loved by others and the more the better.

She sacrifices herself a great deal in order to seek popularity. This character is so strong in her that if she realizes nobody loves her, then she regards herself as a failure.

She becomes disappointed in herself and feels dejected. Therefore, certainly one can claim that the secret of a successful man in a happy marital life is his expression of love towards his wife.”

So, we can see sister that in Islam a wife’s feelings and needs are to be cherished. Also, as Islam is a religion of balance, your husband must realize that he needs to balance out his life to include time with his family, especially his wife, to maintain that loving marital connection.

As you stated, you have spoken with him about this; therefore, I ask dear sister that you address this again from an Islamic perceptive.

“And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.” (30:21)

You will find many more surahs and hadiths concerning this as Allah (swt) has put great emphasis on balance in our lives as well as loving relationships between spouses.

If your husband still fails to take heed, I suggest that you both engage in marital counseling. Even if it is just you who goes at first, you will learn different communication styles as well as coping techniques.

I also suggest in sha’ Allah that you seek out advice from your Imam at the masjid and speak with him. Perhaps, your husband will be more willing to “stop and listen” to another man’s perspective, especially an Imam.

You are in our prayers sister. Please let us know how you are doing.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.