My Husband is Jobless and Distant

29 September, 2020
Q Assalamualaikum,

I am married for 4 years and have a baby girl who is 3 years old. When my baby was 3 months old I got pregnant again and my husband and I decided to abort because of my health issue.

For the past 2 years I've been telling him to have a baby. He is denying he is using protection. He is away for the past 6 months. Now he came back so I told him do not come to me if you don't want a baby. It's been 25 days and he doesn't even touch me. He is not giving my Right which Allah will ask him ( how can I share this to anyone from my family)?

We are facing financial difficulties from the beginning of my marriage. He asked me to wait until he got the job. He has not had a job since I got married to him.

He does not provide proper clothes to me and baby needs (my parents are providing all this).

I got frustrated with him and from my life. What should I do? Please do answer me.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

  • I am so sorry to read about your frustrations with your marriage. I ask Allah to grant you easy and solutions to your problems.
  •  It would be really important to first understand what is going on in the mind and heart of your husband. 
  • Maybe he does not want another child because you have become pre-occupied with the baby and he feels you neglect him – So as a response he neglects you. 
  • I advise you to try opening him up, and this can only be done by showing understanding and empathy.
  • Seek marriage counseling.
  • Show him the respect, that you believe he can have a job, that he can be a good father. Give it a few weeks and see if there is any change in him. Inshallah, you will see the change you desire.
  • Seek help from Allah and make lots of dua.

Salam Alaykum sister,

I am so sorry to read about your frustrations with your marriage. I ask Allah to grant you easy and solutions to your problems.

Sister, you have raised multiple issues yet provided very little information. However, I will do my best to give you some useful guidelines. If you feel you need more help or you want to tell us more about your case to help us further, please write back. 

Having a second child

The first thing you mentioned was that you aborted your second child when the first one was 3 months old due to your health issue.

This was a mutual decision with your husband. Since then you have been trying to convince your husband to have another child, yet he seems reluctant to do it; he has run away for 6 months and uses protection when you get intimate.

Sister, I am not an Islamic scholar, so you might want to write to our Ask the Scholar section as well in regards to the abortion and your husband refusing to have another child. But I do know that when the mother is in danger due to the pregnancy, she may abort the child. 

However, I am wondering what kind of health issues you have if you aborted the child back then and now you want a second child. Was it a temporary problem that is gone now? This is a bit confusing to me. 

I also know that he is not allowed to refuse having sex with you or grant you a child. 

Nonetheless, sister, we are human beings with feelings and reasons for our actions. We do not work by law simply. So, it would be really important to first understand what is going on in the mind and heart of your husband. Why he behaves this way.

Excuses

Have you talked about your issues with him in a calm manner? People are good by nature, therefore I am sure your husband does not want to hurt you intentionally. There is something behind the scene. 

My Husband is Jobless and Distant - About Islam

Maybe even if he agreed to the abortion, it was a hurtful experience for him as a father, or as a husband seeing his wife aborting his baby. He might be simply afraid of another experience like this. 

You said he is unemployed, so maybe this is the reason. You even mentioned this in your message “he asked me to wait until he got the job.”

Your daughter is 3 years old, so still quite young. I am not sure how your relationship has changed after the child, or how you balance your roles as a mother and a wife. 

However, oftentimes, mothers sink into their role of motherhood and they forget they are a wife as well. A wife who is passionate, who is exciting to her husband. Yes, in today’s modern time when mothers bring up their children without much help, it is frustrating to fulfill her roles.

Obviously, husbands must be understanding as well and help their wives, yet we women need to be careful not to get lost in the role of motherhood. Because maybe this is what your husband is missing; his wife. Maybe he does not want another child because you have become pre-occupied with the baby and he feels you neglect him – So as a response he neglects you. 

Whatever the reason, there is a reason for his behavior. 

Open him up

I advise you to try opening him up, and this can only be done by showing understanding and empathy. Do not be harsh. Show that you do care about his feelings and want to understand what is going on inside him. When he feels you do not attack him, he will open up. 

Mind that usually for men it is harder to identify and talk about their feelings. 

If you feel you need help, I advise you to seek marital counseling. A professional will help you clarify what is going on with your husband.  

Husband being unemployed

You said you have been married for 4 years, and your husband is unemployed since the beginning. I wonder how you live on, especially that you have a 3 year old daughter. The fact that you want another child makes me think that you do have some type of secure income. 


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I am not trying to belittle the fact that your husband has to take care of his family financially. As a Muslim man, he is ordered by Allah to do so. I just wonder where you get the income because it might make him feel he does not need to work as someone – maybe his parents or your parents – already helps you. 

Has he been actually looking for a job? Does he make any effort? Is he maybe too picky and wants to work only in his field which makes him unable to find a job? 

Help him by being a queen

Again, from the very little information you have provided us with, it is really challenging to give good advice. 

However, from what you have written us it seems your husband is struggling with something. Maybe he has some issues from his childhood that he has been carrying, or something else, but these issues make him act in a harmful and irresponsible way, which you do not have to accept.

You need to figure out whether you can help him behave in a responsible way– or not.

I see your options are:

A, you seek help from marriage counseling. This is the easiest way. I sincerely advise you to take this step. 

B, You do your best to be a woman to your husband. No, I do not mean to enslave yourself and compromise everything. On the contrary. Being a woman means being a queen. 

Every woman is a queen inside. She is someone who knows her value and has a healthy self-esteem. She enjoys her life, she feels happy and smiles. She gives full respect to her husband, she shows she believes in him that he can do everything he got into his mind, and she gently guides him to achieve his goals.

She chooses her words and talks with wisdom. She is not harsh’ she does not have to raise her voice, yell, or be hysteric because her words have a heavy weight. She is a thinker, a caretaker, but she does not neglect her passionate woman part.

As a queen, communicate all your needs to him in a way that befits a queen – with emotions. Smile when you are happy and so your emotions when you feel otherwise. Anger is a second emotion that always covers something else – sadness, disappointment..etc. Show THAT emotion on your face.

Show him the respect, that you believe he can have a job. That he can be a good father. 

Give it a few weeks, stay being a queen, and see if there is any change in him. Inshallah, you will see the change you desire.

C, However, if not, then you have to decide whether this person is good for you. He is what he is. 

Make a list of his good qualities. What do you like in him? Remember the good times. Other than him being unemployed and that he refuses to have more children, is he a good person? Does he deal with you in a good way? 

Mind, he will not change.

It is like measuring 5 kilos of apple. Even if you measure the apples a million times, it will stay 5 kilos. It will never be 10 kilos. You can decide: you take the package or leave it. 

I do not know anything about how you met and how much you got to know each other. However, I do know that sometimes we chose the wrong person for marriage.

If you do not know yourself well, if you do not know what to ask and observe before marriage, then you are subjected to an unhappy marriage. The pink glasses stay for a while, but will soon be gone and you have to face the reality. And you have to decide whether you can be happy with it, or it is better to look for someone else. 

Take care of your happiness

In the meantime sister it is really important that you take care of your happiness. 

Socialize, be with people who make you smile. Ask your family or friends to take care of your daughter sometimes so that you can have some free time.

Exercise, read a book, do something that needs your creativity, whether it is cooking, painting, dancing, whatever. Creativity for women is usually a source of happiness. Do things you enjoy. This will bring the energy and clarity for you to decide how to pursue your life.

Strengthen your connection with Allah

However, the most important thing of all is your relationship with Allah. You can seek help from a professional or do anything – if your relationship is not strong with the Creator, He won’t help you fix your problems. 

So sister, make sure you pray and improve khusu in your prayer. Take the time to study the Quran, listen to it while you are cooking or playing with your child. Fast maybe. See what ways of worship brings you closer to Allah. 

I pray you find some relief and help in my answer.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Timea Aya Csányi
Timea Aya Csányi pursues her BSc. degree in Psychology and Islamic Studies at the Islamic Online University. She is a certified NLP® Practitioner, one of our writers and counselors at the "Ask the Counselor" section. She works as a fitness trainer who is specialized in the spine and functional training. She is advocates for gaining self-love and confidence through exercising. If you are a Muslimah who seeks spine-friendly online training with a PT, you can reach out to Timea at [email protected]