As-Salamu ‘Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh my dear sister,
You are obviously a very pragmatic person, which works very well if everybody knows and assumes their roles. Unfortunately, not everybody does, and not everybody acts their age even though they want to be treated according to their age and their assumed status. There is no wrong in not chasing him; there is no wrong in not wanting to submit yourself under his control, but if all relationships take place accordingly, then not only would there be many more divorces than we have now, but there would be less marriages taking place also. When Allah (swt) tells us as translated:
“And (as for) believing men and the believing women, they are guardians of each; they enjoin good and forbid evil, and keep up prayer, and pay the poor rate…”(9: 71)
This verse does not say the men first, or the women first, but “of each; they enjoin good and forbid evil”. As childish as he seems to be behaving, he is still your husband, and by not contacting him to at least see how he is could also be construed as being childish. One thing for sure, the marriage is not moving in any direction; it is just stagnant, and with stagnation there is dross.
From his point of view, the fact that you have not contacted him to see how he is just adds to the list of neglect he feels rightly or wrongly. Also, he might feel that your only concern is, as you expressed, that he should be “paying our rent, expenses, clothes and so on…” Of course, as a husband, it is one of his responsibilities towards his family to provide them financially, and you must discuss this issue with him. I am only trying to say that maybe this makes him feel that he is nothing more than a bank from which you just withdraw an amount to meet your needs. For some men, this is too much because it means that you do not see him as anything more meaningful to you in your life. It is like reading parts of the Qur’an which suits us like:
“Men are maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them excel others and because they spend out of their property; the good women are therefore obedient…” (4: 34)
“… He created mates for you from yourself that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.” (30: 21)
You say you are tired of trying to make it work, but what aspect are you trying to make work? The issue of “chasing after men” is a premarital issue. This is your husband you are speaking of. He might be sulking, but this is what you have to work with that is if you want to maintain your marriage for the benefit of everyone involved. Remember, the time he has to spend with you and his children is limited, so from that perspective he just wanted to make most of the time he has with you and the children. Sometimes, when we find it difficult to understand where somebody else is coming from, it helps a great deal to walk in their shoes.
I also advice you to seek marriage counseling if you feel you are unable to communicate with your husband and discuss the issues which bother you (and him).
May Allah (swt) help you,
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