Married, But We Are Still Virgins!

01 June, 2017
Q As-salamu ‘alaykum. Thanks a lot for your efforts. We are seeking some enlightenment on our marital life from experts. We have been married for two years, al hamdu Lillah, happily and in harmony. We share, talk and discuss all issues frankly regarding our marriage and intimacy and we don't have any barriers in this regard. The problem is that from the beginning of our marriage until today, we have not been able to successfully perform full sexual relations. We are still virgins. We have nice, lovely, romantic times, but we have not been able to achieve full sexual intercourse. We don't know why. I have tried to read, downloaded marriage-related guides, try different positions - it just didn't work. My wife convinced me to go to doctor who said that everything is fine just I should make more efforts. Please help!

Answer

Answer:

Dear Brother,

With any healing situation, it is never a good idea to let the situation continue. Learn to deal with it. When people choose to do this, they find that it only grows worse.

If a person does not fix a broken leg immediately, the break heals wrong and the leg must be re-broken. If someone has pre-diabetes symptoms and they “learn to deal with them”, they may find themselves in a situation where they need to take insulin shots daily. If someone takes medication for depression, heart disease, anxiety or any other health situation and does not deal with the underlying causes of the problem, they will only get worse.

You can, theoretically, try to compensate your situation by any of the solutions you listed above such as test-tube babies. However, this would be damaging to your wife’s emotional and physical health, to your marriage, and to your health in general.

It is helpful that you provided information and details on your situation. However, it would help to know some more details. It would also help to hear what your wife says about the situation. It is hard to try to help a couple’s situation when there is only information from one person. I am also unsure of the exact nature of the problem.

Are you unable to complete the act of intercourse because you cannot maintain an erection?

Are you unable to complete the act of intercourse because you do not ejaculate? Or is there another reason?

I did understand from what you said that in the beginning, the situation may have been mutual; however, at this point, it sounds like your wife is ready to move forward and you have not been able to. I also understood that according to the doctor you have seen that you do not have any physical problems.

Since I am not sure about the exact nature of the problem, I will suggest some solutions in each category.

If you are unable to “perform” in some way, you could benefit from herbal therapy. Many men who do not have any visible physical problems have found herbs beneficial.

Achieving an erection is complex. It involves psychological impulses from the brain, adequate levels of testosterone, a functioning nervous system, and healthy vascular tissue of the penis. If a doctor has stated that you are physically OK, then we can assume that you have been tested for testosterone levels and that your vascular tissue is healthy. However, I always recommend that people get a second and perhaps even a third opinion when dealing with life altering health problems.

Couples have been using herbal therapy for centuries to enhance physical relations. Yohimbe bark, damiana, ginseng, sarsaparilla, gingko and horny goat weed are all helpful in this area. Take capsules or tinctures of one of these herbs three times daily for 6 weeks. You should see improvement within ten days. Please check the contraindications for each of these herbs before taking them to make sure they are safe for you to take. Married, But We Are Still Virgins! - About Islam

You may also benefit from acupressure or reflexology.

You can, as a couple, give each other reflexology treatments. When you are massaging each other’s feet, your wife should focus on putting pressure on the areas just below your ankle bones. This is the area of sexual stimulation for men. A session should last at least 15-30 minutes. When you are giving your wife a treatment, you can also massage the entire foot, and focus on the ankle areas.

Another effective treatment is massage therapy.

Instead of meeting for intercourse, you can have your wife give you a therapeutic massage and you can give her one as well. This usually works best if you give these on alternate days so you each have time to focus on the other person and are not spending time thinking about when it is your turn. So the effects of the therapy are not lost when the person who has been massaged has to suddenly get up and work at massaging the other person. A massage session should last at least 30 minutes. If you add massage oils like sandalwood or ylang-ylang, this will help increase the effectiveness of the massage.

Are you currently taking any medications? Many medications can also cause trouble in this area. You may want to consider alternative therapies or an alternate medication.

If you are unable to perform in some way and the doctor’s only advice was “you need to try harder”, then you need to change doctors – it is not a mechanical process!

If you are able to perform, but for some reason, you do not enter your wife during intercourse, then you need to seek couple’s therapy at this point (paid counseling, through a free clinic, or a faith-based counselor). Your wife will also need to be involved in any solution you seek as, after two years, there will be a lot of issues that have been avoided for long enough that it would be a difficult task for a couple to tackle alone. Help from a third party who can speak to both of you together will help.

However, if you are unable to find or afford any counseling, you will need to take some time each week that you set aside for each of you to talk about the situation. However, you will need to change the formula of the discussions you have been having because it is not effective. You will need to set a timer and allow each person time to talk about the situation for an equal amount of time. Anger and criticism should be avoided. The topic should be focused on problems and possible solutions.

If you seek help on the Internet, your wife should be with you during this time. This time together could be spent reading books on the topic and discussing them or simply on discussing how your wife feels or how you feel about the situation. I strongly suggest, however, that you have a third party help you through some of the first discussions – even if you can only afford a few sessions.

What may have started out as a physical problem now involves emotions and psychological problems as well, so it will be more difficult now than before. It may be hard to understand why “after all this time” things are not better. However, it is actually the opposite. It is because of the time that has elapsed that it has become harder and harder to solve the problem.

Because of this, you will both need to adapt an attitude about this issue that is new. You both cannot think of this issue as the same one that you had two years ago. It is not. You both cannot say you are “tired of dealing with this issue for two years” because you have not. What you are dealing with now is more complex. You will need to get very serious about solving the problem and deal with it on an emotional, physical and psychological level with all the options you can find. Herbs, reflexology, acupuncture and therapy can all help. However, the time to do something is now, before any more time passes.

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

About Dr. Karima Burns
Dr. Karima Burns has been counseling as a Home-path for over 9 years. From the U.S. she is a doctor in Naturopathy, a Master Herbalist, and teaches with inspiration from the Waldorf school. She uses art, health and education to heal others.