We are both previously divorced. He has told me that things changed after the ceremony because he felt like there are intimacy issues. He states that he doesn’t think that I enjoy the act, and doesn’t believe me when I tell him that I do. I’ve tried to explain to him that these things take time and experience together, and we will learn and grow together, but he states that if the intimacy issues don’t resolve overtime, he doesn’t think the marriage will sustain itself.
He said he still loves me and would like to try to make it work because he doesn’t want to lose me. But I don’t understand why five months in he’s bringing up separation because of intimacy issues prior to even trying anything to fix it. He states he will do some research on his end to try to fix it because this is all on him and it has nothing to do with anything that I’ve done or can do.
He has financial troubles, whereas I am financially stable. We live in different cities about two hours from each other, but try to see each other at least once a week. Sometimes that does not happen and it’s two weeks.
He is a very gentle and kind and honorable and a godly man. I’m trying to take him at his word, but I’m feeling neglected and unwanted. I have a pit in the bottom of my stomach with my anxiety yelling at me that this is not gonna work out. I am at a loss. We both have waited so long to find each other. I don’t know what to do. Please help
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Those who had negative experience with rejection, may need time and safety to open up.
- When you say that in many other ways you are compatible and attracted to each other, that is true. But the whole picture also includes the parts that – for now – are not working.
Assalamu alaikum, sister,
Thank you for your letter.
You explained that you got married not long ago. Both of you had previously been divorced. You found yourselves very attracted to one another and also very compatible, so you decided to go ahead with the marriage.
After the ceremony, however, he began telling you that there are intimacy issues, and started to bring up the possibility of separation.
He especially blames himself, saying He that it has nothing to do with you, that the problem is with him, and that he will try to work on himself and see what he can do. He seems convinced that you do not truly enjoy intimacy with him, despite your affirmations.
On the other hand, you describe him as a very gentle, kind, and honorable man. You live in different cities, and see each other at least once a week, sometimes less frequently. Because of this whole situation, you feel neglected and at loss.
Well, sister, I think couples therapy would be very important in your situation. I also think it would be very valuable to hear his perspective directly, because it seems to me that he is genuinely struggling with something.
I don’t know what kind of beliefs, insecurities, or experiences make him doubt you or make him believe that he is not good enough. It could be the result of previous relationships, experiences, personal insecurities, past trauma, or other factors.
Seek support together
I am not sure about how communication is between you, but what you can try is initiating a sincere conversation, encouraging him to open up about his most vulnerable feelings, while being ready to hold those feelings with compassion.
On the other hand you can explain that his emotional distance – probably meant to protect himself – makes you feel unwanted and neglected. And you need to feel safe in this relationship too.
I’m not sure whether you have already expressed these feelings to him. It is also possible that the dynamics of your relationship are activating old emotional wounds in both of you. For you, perhaps the fear of not being wanted or being neglected. For him, perhaps the fear of not being good enough.
You can let him know that you are still committed to the relationship, that you genuinely want to work through these difficulties together, and that you simply want to understand what is happening. Understand that those who had negative experience with rejection, may need time and safety to open up, and that’s okay.
This is why I would recommend couples therapy or marriage counseling. Of course, for therapy to be effective, both partners need to have a genuine desire to improve the relationship and remain committed to the marriage.
At the same time, for whatever reason, he is not ready to make these changes, then that is important information for you.
Then, there is certainly a loss, as you described. However, the loss may be more about letting go of the dream of what you hoped this marriage would be, and accepting the reality of what it actually is.
Probably, the complete picture includes not only attraction and compatibility. There are also some struggles with emotional closeness, trust, communication, and a satisfying intimate relationship. When you say that in many other ways you are compatible and attracted to each other, that is true. But the whole picture also includes the parts that are not working.
Loss of illusions
The real loss is accepting that the relationship is not as complete or as fulfilling as you had hoped. Every relationship has imperfections—that is completely normal—but you need to see both the strengths and the limitations clearly.
Once you accept the relationship as it truly is, rather than as you wish it could be, you can then ask yourself whether this is a relationship you are able and willing to continue with. Especially if he is not willing to keep working on himself or on the marriage.
And if he has firmly decided that he does not want to continue the relationship, painful as that may be, it is also valuable information. It is a difficult truth to hear, but it is still the truth. In the long run, living with reality—even when it hurts—is healthier than living with hope that is not supported by what is actually happening.
Again, I strongly encourage both of you to seek couples counseling. And even if he is unwilling to participate, individual counseling for yourself could still be very beneficial in helping you navigate this situation with clarity and confidence.
I hope this helps,