I’m Tired of Being Jealous & Insecure

13 April, 2020
Q I am engaged to a wonderful Muslim man of my age.

He is decent, hardworking, kind and funny.

He is also very decent and a gentleman around other girls (lowers his gaze, etc.).

But the problem is that I still have doubts and jealousy when it comes to him.

I check out his Facebook profile and if I find him liking any page of a female celebrity

I go nuts and start considering him indecent and cheap

(although he has never displayed any such behavior in real life!).

I also start comparing myself with those women.

I also over analyze his seemingly harmless comments and jokes to others.

I think this is primarily due to the emotional abuse I faced from my parents during childhood.

I have a severe distrust of men and consider that most of them are cheap when it comes to women!

I think I seem to look for perfection in my fiancé

Although I know he is just a human and must have imperfections (even in faith).

Please help me, what should I do?

I want to love and trust my future husband with all my heart.

I feel he is a nice and decent person overall.

The thing that disturbs me is that sometimes

I get confused and overwhelmed by my jealousy

I don’t know where to draw the line between rightful and useless jealousy!

Answer


In this counseling answer:

You personally need to seek support to work through the emotional wounds that are leading to your extreme jealous nature.

 Reevaluate the reasons why you chose him.

 Pray istikharah and use this time to turn your heart towards your Lord.

Do more acts of goodness that He loves.

He decided to get engaged to you because you are beautiful to him and also come with the qualities of what he is looking for in a wife. When you feel insecure or jealous, focus on that.



Salamu Alekom,

Thank you for your question.

Jealousy, as you may know,

is a subject that has shown up before even within our own religious history.

When The Prophet Muhammad (saw) proposed to marry Um Salama,

her response to the man delivering the message was the following:

“I said to him: I have a daughter (as my dependent) and I am of jealous temperament”.

Later He (the Holy Prophet) responded to her through the man delivering the message the following:

“So far as her daughter is concerned, we would supplicate Allah, that He may free her (of her responsibility),

and I would also supplicate Allah to do away with (her) jealous (temperament.)” (Saheeh Muslim)

From this perspective, feelings of jealousy aren’t unnatural or a sign that you lack confidence in yourself as a woman.

Even ‘Aisha, who was known to be beautiful,

was jealous of the beauty of Umm Salama, may Allah have mercy upon them both.

I’m Tired of Being Jealous & Insecure - About Islam

At the end of the day, they, and we, are human beings who are not flawless in any way.

So where is the line between normal jealousy and unhealthy jealousy then?

What does jealousy cause you to do?

There are some women who are so possessed by jealousy that they begin to monitor everything their husband does like a hawk.

They consistently try to monitor his internet activity, what he is looking at when out on the street, and the manner he speaks to other women.

They do this to the extent that she starts trying to control his tone when speaking, how and whom he can speak to, and demands that he proves to her that she is the only woman that he will look at or engage with in any manner that has the potential to be sexual in nature.

As the man tries to prove his character, she is not satisfied and demands more and more.

This goes until they are constantly locked in a battle about how much he really loves and admires her.

You can imagine that living in a relationship like this would be miserable for both people.

So, it’s not surprising to find that at some point, after a man has had enough,

he finally does take interest in other women.

It’s not for her looks rather because he is desperate to talk to a woman who shows him respect and treats him with human decency.

(This entire scenario also happens to women when they are married to a man possessed by jealousy as well.)

A relationship that is possessed by a fear of being left is one that will struggle to survive

without a lot of compassion, hard work, and open communication.

So, if your jealousy would lead you to say or do things which are crossing a line in your future marriage,

then you’ll know that you personally need to seek support

to work through the emotional wounds that are leading to your jealous nature.

Is he forced to marry you or did he choose you?

It’s also normal when you are engaged or even newly married to feel jealous of other women.

You aren’t married just yet.

You don’t have the kind of security that comes with two people being committed to each other.

So, there is a fear of being replaced in some way.

Will it be a more beautiful woman that he’ll see leading him to decide that you are a mistake?

While these feelings are normal, they should also be fleeting.

Your fiancé has chosen to get engaged to you.

He has said yes to you.

He is planning to marry you.

Unless you feel he was forced against his will to get engaged to you, then your comfort should come in knowing that he is a man of free will.

Yes, there are beautiful women all over the world and there always will be.

There will always be actresses out there, models on advertisements, and pretty women on the street, at the mall, or at work.

But being a man of free will, he decided to get engaged to you because you are beautiful to him and also come with the qualities of what he is looking for in a wife. When you feel insecure or jealous, focus on that.

Once married, you will be able to judge him based on his actions towards you.

There is no stronger way to show someone how you feel about them than their actions.

Remember the following: you chose him too

If you have agreed to get engaged to him now is a good time to reevaluate the reasons why you chose him.

You too have a choice, right?

You don’t have to marry him if you think he isn’t a good man.

But you have said yes and saying yes is something you should feel good about if you’ve chosen him based on the qualities you are looking for in a future husband.

The most important qualities are his practice of Islam and his character in how he treats other people.

You don’t have to marry him if you think he has a problem with how he deals with the opposite gender, that he likes Facebook movie star pages, or seems a little too friendly with other women.

There are men who do, in fact, have a problem with even looking at pornography on a consistent basis.

If you tune into your feelings, check your gut.

Is your gut telling you that this man isn’t as good as you want him to be?

Do you think he has some major issues in how he deals with women?

Or are your feelings just a manifestation of your own insecurities I have already dressed above?

I know these are some difficult questions to work through, but now would be the time to ask yourself the hard questions and remind yourself that your worth isn’t found in being chosen.

You are a worthy woman who equally chooses whom she wants to marry.

Dealing with your past

You mentioned in your question that you were emotionally abused when you were a child and that you have a huge mistrust of men in general.


Check this counseling video:


It is quite possible that because of that you’ll find that the “baggage” from your past will show up in your future marriage.

Everyone brings baggage to a marriage.

This may be some of yours.

Being aware of your past and considering how it might impact you in some way is wise.

Should you find that you are really struggling because of it, I encourage you to speak to a professional counselor.

It can be really helpful to talk about your past and why it’s getting triggered in your present.

Separate the past from the present and discover the choices you have now.

You are an adult that you may not have had as a child.

Why praying Istikharah helps

There are many false ideas about praying Salatul Istikharah.

Some people say, for example, that you should find your answer in a dream

where a dream is actually rare and not required.

What Istikharah provides is peace of mind.

When you make a decision to do something, for example, to marry a specific person, you are then asking Allah to facilitate things with ease if it’s good for your dunyah and akhirah or to remove it from your life if it’s not.

This means that no matter how things turn out, you will know that you are on the path that Allah has chosen for you if you sincerely are willing to lend your affairs to Him.

Istikharah doesn’t always mean a person will have ease in their future.

It means that they are on the path, both blessings and tests, which is best for their life and the Hereafter.

Trust fully in Allah and know that whatever comes your way was meant for you.

This gives you a level of security and stability that extends beyond yourself to your Lord.

You can let go of panic, fears, and extreme jealousy and trust that Allah will take care of you in whatever way is best for you as His servant.

Use this time to come closer to Al-Wadud

Perhaps you can use this time to turn your heart towards your Lord and do more acts of goodness that He loves.

So, the most important love you need in your life is one you are consistently focused on tending to:

the love and mercy of Allah.

Here is a hadith which narrates the beauty of doing extra deeds.

Abu Hurairah reported: Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said,

“Allah, the Exalted, has said: ‘I will declare war against him who treats with hostility a pious worshipper of Mine.

And the most beloved thing with which My slave comes nearer to Me, is what I have enjoined upon him;

and My slave keeps on coming closer to Me through performing Nawafil (voluntary prayers or doing extra deeds besides what is obligatory) until I love him,

(so much so that) I become his hearing with which he hears, and his sight with which he sees, and his hand with which he strikes, and his leg with which he walks; and if he asks Me something, I will surely give him, and if he seeks My Protection (refuge), I will surely protect him”. [Al-Bukhari]

May Allah bless you in your future marriage and guide you to that which is most pleasing to Him.

May He guide you to healing from your past wounds and grant you a heart of wisdom, strength, and compassion as a result of your struggles.

May He help you be healed of any jealousy that is hurtful to you and grant you happiness in this life and in the Hereafter.

salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/marital-obstacles/dealing-with-an-insanely-jealous-husband/

https://aboutislam.net/family-society/husbands-wives/deal-suffocating-jealousy/

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/marital-obstacles/jealousy-impedes-marriage-bloom/

About Megan Wyatt
Megan Wyatt is the founder of Wives of Jannah where she offers training programs, live workshops, and relationship coaching for wives and couples. She is a certified Strategic Intervention coach with specialized certifications for working with women and marital relationships and has been coaching and mentoring Muslims globally since 2008. She shares her passion for Islamic personal development in her Passionate Imperfectionist community. She is a wife and homeschooling mother with four children residing in Southern California.