In this counseling answer:
- Focus on your children, yourself, making du’aa’, and truly trusting that Allah will work this situation out.
- Take control in a positive and Islamic manner.
- Seek professional help and seek marriage guidance.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,
Thank you, dear sister, for writing to us again. I am so sorry things have not gotten better. It is quite clear from your letter that your anguish, anger, and frustration have increased (as you are expressing such).
As you did try to discuss this matter with your husband about being in the company of the female assistant and he got angry, at this point, I would advise leaving the situation alone and not bring it up to him anymore.
It appears he is going to do whatever he wants whether it is pleasing to Allah (swt) or not; whether it is Islamically incorrect behavior, and sadly sister, even if it hurts you. You cannot control or change his behavior sister and he refuses to discuss it. However, you can control how you respond to it.
I encourage you in sha’ Allah to focus on your children, yourself, making du’aa’, and truly trusting that Allah (swt) will work this situation out. I understand that you have been praying and reading Qur’an, but I also see that your mind is almost constantly preoccupied with your husband’s assistant. Thus, I ask you to in sha’ Allah, ensure your mind is clear of this when you are reading and praying.
While you do not know for sure if he is cheating on you, his behavior is making you angry and hurt. Sister, as it is causing you so much sadness, anger, and strife in your life, you may have to take steps to decide what you need to do to restore harmony and peace in the home. I suggest you seek the help of a professional counselor in your area to assist you with this.
As painful as this is, constantly asking him about this and that, yelling, being angry and so forth is not going to help the situation; it will only make it worse. While we are all human and sometimes tend to exhibit these behaviors, these are not communication skills that are conducive to a healthy marriage. Of course, you feel hurt and angry about some of the things that are going on, but yelling, constantly bringing up the subject in an angry way, and accusing is not going to get you anywhere.
I urge you to take control in a positive and Islamic manner. We cannot change your husband’s behavior or his desires. His relationship with Allah (swt) will be for him to deal with. Shift your focus and realize that what he does is not about you or your worth as a woman. It is about who he is as a man.
Your husband’s behaviors are a reflection of his level of maturity and his understanding of his own relationship with Allah (swt). And so are yours. And these behaviors can harm a marriage.
Behaviors such as yelling can destroy the vital ingredient in life you got married for, or ruin true intimacy or an opportunity to complete your religion.
While you did not mention other behaviors that your husband or you may exhibit towards each other, I would like you to add that demeaning you intentionally, calling you names, shouting to intimidate you and the kids, or physically assaulting you or them, this falls under domestic abuse.
You need to recognize it for what it is to be able to seek professional help. This means that if anyone in the household is abusive, you need to seek help immediately. This would especially include if any family member is at risk of being harmed physically (hitting, biting, pushing, slapping, etc.).
Domestic abuse/ violence is a very serious matter, especially as there are children in the home. It not only has legal ramifications (going to jail, losing custody of your children) but spiritual ones as well, as Allah forbids and hates violence and abuse in families. It is forbidden in Islam to abuse another. In a worst-case scenario, a family member can die from abuse. If abuse is going on, you need to leave at once and ensure first of all that your children are safe as well as yourself.
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As far as your anger, hurt and psychological state of mind my dear sister, at this point, I would advise you to immediately seek professional counseling to address any depression, anxiety or other mental health issues which you may be struggling with. I cannot determine if you have OCD tendencies (as you asked). However, I do feel your feelings and behaviors in response to your husband’s actions are getting out of control and may be causing much harm to yourself and others.
Also, if possible, seek marriage guidance from an Imam or see if your local Masjid has marriage counseling services or a counselor in the area who provides marriage counseling. While your husband may not go, it would be beneficial for you to go, if only to learn how to deal with his behavior, manage stressors, develop coping skills, learn appropriate communication skills, as well as make an effort to save the marriage if possible.
You are in our prayers, dear sister. Please let us know how things are going.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.