I do not have the peace of mind I want, and I need a little help. I got married a little over two years ago, and AlhamduliAllah I have a beautiful son. However, I do not wish to have any more kids with my wife.
For a few months after the wedding, everything was perfect, but everything started to change and now I am not happy and have lost my peace of mind completely.
1: In Ramadan a couple of years ago she saw some emails in my inbox which were from some girl dated 2013 and she doubted on me.
Those were the emails which I only received and never responded to and never knew they were in my inbox. She called up her parents and I was insulted, but very soon I forgot everything, and all was back to normal.
2: Later, my wife had problems with my work because sometimes my work required me to stay up until late and 2-3 times it got very late in the night and she would get angry and I tried to pacify her.
Once, she was in her mother’s house, I was at work, and that day I had to stay on site for 24 hours. I was supposed to pick her up and go to our house but when I left the site in the morning after Fajr she didn’t even pick my call.
She messaged me to pick her in the evening, which I tried, and then she said she'll not come. I was again Insulted and humiliated by her parents and brother.
3: Once, due to some miscommunication with her and my mother, she called her father and left my house without anybody's permission and she told me with arrogance that she'll never come back and if I want her I need to buy a new house for her and stay without my parents. However, this was also sorted out by all elders and she came back. At the time I was already losing my patience and peace.
4: My wife and her parents always mentioned that I work a lot and earn less. My salary was not sufficient for her and said words which broke my heart.
5: I started travelling to other cities in my home country for work and used to stay away from home. My wife said that if I am not at home she'll go to her mother's house and come back only when I come. Initially, I disagreed but later we agreed on it and sent her.
6: Due to the dispute over my salary I have left my country and am now working in the Middle East. I am alone here, and she has taken my son and stays at her mother's place. My Parents long to see their grandson but my wife doesn't come home. She only comes home if she has something important or some errands to run.
She doesn't listen to me, nor does she respect me and my family. She lies to us and insults us, and she left my home.
I am fed up and frustrated. I tried to make her understand many times but always without luck and the reason is her parents. Her dad always takes over our household issues and tells her that if she has any problems she could leave.
There were also good times but so much bad has happened that I have lost all happiness and I regret getting married. These are the reasons I don’t want to have any more kids with her. Please tell me if my decision is correct.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Seek out a family/marriage counselor to help not only your marriage dynamics but the relations between the parents.
• Let her know how those comments hurt your feelings and make career success harder because they are bringing you down emotionally.
• Set aside time just for you, your wife and your son without any parental involvement, as well as time for you and your wife alone.
• Marriages are often stressed after the birth of a child and the first couple of years are difficult. Please take comfort in knowing you are not alone in this and inshallah both of you can find greater happiness and satisfaction in your marriage.
Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakatu,
Thank you for trusting us with such a stressful and difficult situation. Let us go down each of your concerns in the same order in which you wrote them to us.
This sounds like she felt insecure and betrayed. While it is not best for spouses to read the other’s mails or personal messages, it happened. In such situations, explain everything honestly and talk it out calmly. It should have had some type of date associated with it, as it was prior to marriage so it should not be of concern.
These types of situations can make the spouse feel like they are not the priority and even causes feelings of neglect. Her reaction was out of feeling neglected and suspecting you were doing something else as it is highly unusual to work for 24 hours straight. Your wife may have some feelings of insecurity and it could help in sha’ Allah to sit down with her and talk about this. Explain in a loving manner that the reason you work so many hours is to try and provide for them, this is your way of showing love.
Brother, I suggest working on getting your wife her own home. This is not only her Islamic right to have her own space, many spouses would feel irritable if forced to live with their in-laws. If this is not feasible financially right now, set a goal for when you will provide this for her, so she has that tangible goal to hold onto and commit yourself to it.
Sit down with your wife and explain that if she wants you to make more money then insulting you will not help. Rather, she should show support and gratitude for what you already provide. The fact you are willing to move around and work away from your child shows your commitment to providing. Encourage her to show gratitude and explain that it would make you feel more motivated to grow in your career path if she was supportive. She could also get a job if she wants extra spending money for herself.
This is the same concern as #4, I understand it can be difficult to work so hard and not feel appreciated. Let her know it hurts your feelings and only makes working harder on you because you are doing it while trying to handle these emotions.
Encourage your parents to visit her in the other family home. This could be a golden opportunity to improve the relations between both families and bring greater unity between the two sets of parents. If they can come together more often then in sha’ Allah this will create a stronger support network for yourself and is better for the child.
I would also advise asking your wife to make an agreement with them to stop at your parent’s home X amount of times monthly to ensure they get time with their grandchild. As an example, an agreement of once a week or once every two weeks. The focus must be what is best for the child and of course a child benefits from having active participation from both sets of grandparents.
Areas with Room for Improvement
Dear brother, after hitting on all your concerns it seems that you and your wife are struggling with a few key items. Trust, honesty, communication, gratitude, respect for family, and her parents often intervening.
Check out this counseling video:
You have only been married for two years; the first couple of years can be difficult for any marriage as people adjust to their unique family dynamics. As you are often away working to provide more money for the family, it is important to make the best of the time you do have together. Designate some time for you, your wife and your child.
You need family time without any parents intervening. Additionally, set aside time for you and your wife to do something together and have your parents or hers look after your child during this. In sha’ Allah this can help both of you to communicate honestly and work on your bond as husband and wife.
While talking, try to avoid blaming statements. Use “I-statements” that convey your emotions such as “I feel unappreciated when my hard work is insulted” instead of “You insult me about my income”. Both statements are communicating the same idea, but one is heartfelt while the other is accusatory. Do not raise your voice and if arguing begins, take 5 minutes to calm down before proceeding.
It is a blessing that both sets of parents want to be involved and help with the family, but both need to understand their boundaries. It can be hard to navigate family dynamics with parents. In sha’ Allah it would be easier if you investigated using a non-biased mediator such as a family counselor. You can utilize one in person or online if you feel more comfortable with this.
To answer your base question of should you have more kids. It is better to hold off on having more children until both of you find greater happiness and peace in your marriage. Kids do not fix marriage issues. I am sorry to hear you regret getting married, but in sha’ Allah this can improve over time if both if you are willing to work on it.
Final Thoughts
To summarize your next steps moving forward, brother, seek out a family/marriage counselor to help not only your marriage dynamics but the relations between the parents. Attempt to facilitate honest conversation between you and your wife that avoid blaming statements.
Let her know how those comments hurt your feelings and make career success harder because they are bringing you down emotionally. Set aside time just for you, your wife and your son without any parental involvement, as well as time for you and your wife alone.
Marriages are often stressed after the birth of a child and the first couple years are difficult. Please take comfort in knowing you are not alone in this and inshallah both of you can find greater happiness and satisfaction in your marriage.
May Allah (SWT) bring your marriage closer together,
Ameen.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.