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I Hate The Look of My Fat Husband

16 April, 2017
Q I always knew I was going to marry a fat guy, but over the years of our marriage, I have started despising his looks and fat structure. I don't feel like going out with him, meeting friends or family because of his looks. Is this attitude justified from a wife?I have told him about my feeling so many times, but he doesn't do anything about his weight, and this has turned me into an insecure person because I am always thinking of ways to survive if he dies.His physical appearance started becoming an issue after I found constant lies from his end. I just can't trust him, and despite the promises to make things better, the situation is getting worse. We haven't shared bed for two years, and I try to keep physical interaction as less as possible. What to do in this situation when there is so much hatred for your partner that you actually wish he would die soon so that you can be your own. I can't think of taking a divorce because of social pressure.

Answer

Answer:

As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister,

Thank you for your question. While you state that his weight is a primary concern in your marriage, it seems that there are other deeper issues that are present in your marriage as well.

First, let me address your question as to whether your attitude toward your husband is justified. What you feel is what you feel, and you shouldn’t give anyone power over how you feel. Only you can have that power.

Second, and this is important for you (and many others in a similar position) to understand that it is better not to criticize others’ shortcomings, but rather to reinforce with positive words and actions to achieve any particular goal. In other words, when you told your husband about his weight, you said it from a critical, “you’re not good enough” perspective. However, it would have been wiser to tell him that you’d like him to live longer and, therefore, are concerned about his weight.

This leads me to a question for you. You say you’re concerned about him because he may die, and then later in your question you say you wish he was dead. Which one is it?

Third, you say you always knew you were marrying a fat guy, but if you knew you didn’t like fat guys, why did you go into the marriage?

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Fourth, considering that you and your husband haven’t shared the same bed and are keeping your physical interactions to a minimum, I would highly recommend marriage counseling. It seems like trust may be at the source of your marital problems, and his weight has only compounded/magnified the problem.

Finally, divorce may be socially unacceptable, but it is better to divorce than live your life miserably just because of fear of what the community may say. You’re married to him, not the community. Your happiness is more important than the gossip of people who probably have little else going on in their lives. After all, if they had productive lives, they wouldn’t worry about your marital status.

I hope to hear from you back if you feel it can help in any way. Please let us know if you still have any questions or concerns.

Good luck to you!

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About Najma M. Adam
Najma M. Adam, Ph.D., L.C.S.W. is the Director of Adam & Associates Counseling Services, Inc. Dr. Adam has many years of experience and has taught at several universities in the Chicagoland area. She actively conducts research and publishes. She received her Ph.D. in Social Work from the University of Illinois at Chicago, Jane Addams College of Social Work and her Master’s Degree from the University of Chicago, School of Social Service Administration. Further information about her can be found at www.adamandassociates.com.