I got married a year ago to someone I love dearly. Lately, I found out that his first cousin wanted to marry him several years ago and that they actually kissed and touched each other. This happened before we even knew each other.
She was also having flings with many other men and for that reason he cut the relationship with her. After a few years, he met me. She also got married to another cousin of hers but kept having an affair with another man. The entire family knows this as they all speak openly about it.
Now, I’m married to my husband and we get on fine, but after knowing what happened between them, I can’t stand her being around us or me. And it annoys me a lot when his mum or brother sometimes talk about her saying that she didn’t even want to marry her cousin who she’s married to now because she wanted to marry my husband. But he refused, and that’s why she’s having affairs!
Am I a bad person for not wanting someone like her being around me and my husband? I am in a stable marriage mashallah and we trust each other fully. I sort of wish I didn’t know about this whole situation because it makes me feel sick.
We have gatherings at my in-laws all the time, and she does come over with her two kids, but my husband does not talk to her and tries not to acknowledge her. He admits that their relationship was a big mistake. I always ask Allah to protect me and my husband.
Please help! Jazakallah khair.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Speak with your husband about how you feel about his former girlfriend.
• Be open and honest.
• Come up with a solution that you both agree on the next time you both see her at a family gathering.
• Couples who are connected at an emotional level are usually the happiest.
Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,
Thank you for sending us your question. Congratulations on your recent marriage. May Allah (swt) shower you both with His (swt) mercy and grant you both deep affection and loyalty towards each other to last a lifetime.
It seems you are stuck in a strange predicament.
You mention that your husband’s former “girlfriend” is related to you both. It seems they see each other every now and then at family gatherings.
It seems there is no way to avoid this former girlfriend even though your husband does not speak with her. However, you feel uneasy about the whole scenario.
I would first like to mention that your feelings are totally normal.
Please don’t make yourself feel bad that you don’t want your husband to be around his former girlfriend. Forgive yourself and allow yourself to feel uneasy, jealous, or whatever you may feel.
These feelings are a normal part of being human. Therefore, don’t beat yourself up about them. What matters is what you do with your feelings.
Be Open About Your Feelings
I would suggest that you speak with your husband about how you feel about his former girlfriend. Be open and honest about your feelings towards her and tell him even though he has told you that she was a mistake and has moved on.
Being open, honest, and showing vulnerability towards your spouse (and vice versa) is wonderful in relationships and only helps the marriage become stronger. Encourage him to give feedback to you after you tell him your feelings.
Afterward, come up with a solution that you both agree on the next time you both see her at a family gathering. It could be anything small such as having him sit far away from her or having him sit with you all the time or something of that sort.
Check out this counseling video:
Let this be a good example of how you both start communicating with each other openly and honestly and keep it up for years to come.
Remember, couples who are connected at an emotional level are usually the happiest.
May Allah (swt) grant you both happiness.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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