He verbally tortures me as well. All day, he is with his mother and doesn’t pay any attention to me and backbites me. He shares with her all our personal bedroom issues. We have a 5-year-old daughter together. He doesn’t want another child, but he wants to use me for his pleasure. I am not comfortable with it and don’t let him touch me due to his behavior. Am I doing it wrong? He degrades me.
In this counseling answer:
• The truth of the matter is that verbal abuse hurt as badly if not more than the physical abuse.
• Speak to him when you both are alone in a good and respectful manner. Tell him how much you get hurt when he uses harsh words to you. Communication is the key thing here.
• As Muslims, another powerful way to connect and build the attachment bond with your spouse is praying together.
As-Salaamu ‘Aleikom sister,
We are very sorry to hear about your situation. Our prayers are with you at this difficult time.
From what you are mentioning, it seems your husband does not give you the basic rights he should give you according to Islam. You both are not affectionate with each other; he doesn’t support you financially even though he is well off. He doesn’t spend time with you, and he shares your personal things with other people. He even verbal abuses you. Going through so much stress is not healthy. No wonder you sound so distressed and are seeking help from us.
I will try my best to analyze your problems you are dealing with and give you the right advice, In sha’ Allah.
Allah (swt) has entitled husband and wife to certain rights, made it incumbent upon both of them to discharge their duties and encourages them to engage in anything that is bound to promote marital life and preserve it. Indeed, they are both responsible for the welfare of the family and neither of them should demand the other to do something beyond their capacity as the Qur’an states,
“And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable.” (2:228)
Therefore, tolerance and kindness are required to create a prosperous life and help build a strong family.
The Qur’an states:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (30:21)
Marriage is, therefore, not just a physical or emotional necessity, but, in fact, a sign from Allah (swt)! It is a relationship of mutual rights and obligations based on divine guidance. Allah (swt) created men and women with complimentary natures, and in the Qur’an, He (swt) laid out a system of laws to support harmonious interaction between the sexes.
The truth of the matter is that verbal abuse hurt as badly if not more than the physical abuse. Unlike physical abuse, verbal abuse is difficult to identify. Once a person has been hit, it is a physical abuse. There is no need to be confused because the bruises are visible. On the other hand, verbal abuse is more dangerous because there is no ”apparent” damage. Yet, it causes internal destruction and leaves invisible scars, a wounded spirit, and low self-esteem.
Check out this counseling video:
It must be very hurtful for you to go through this verbal abuse from your husband. Islam recognizes the evil of verbal abuse and perhaps that’s why there is so much emphasis on guarding one’s tongue and keeping others secured from its invisible harm.
The Messenger of Allah (saw) said, “A true believer is not involved in taunting, or frequently cursing (others) or in indecency or abusing.” (At-Tirmidhi)
If this is the right of a regular Muslim, then how much more so a wife or husband is entitled to be safe from verbal abuse and taunting.
You have to break the cycle. Change your situation. I know it is not easy; it is very hard. But remember you have to break the pattern. Speak to him when you both are alone in a good and respectful manner. Tell him how much you get hurt when he uses harsh words to you. Communication is the key thing here. If he is unwilling to listen to you and becomes angry, then just take a break and talk to him another time when he is more relaxed and in good mood. Don’t point fingers at him when talking and don’t be judgmental as this can make him defensive. You have to put your foot down and tell him that you can’t tolerate his bad behavior with you and ask him why he says this cruel thing to you.
Why does he spend most of his time with his mother and not you? Have you thought about it? Well, she might provide him with the ”comfort zone”. I am not saying that it is your fault he is the way he is with you, but I suggest you try to talk to him and make your home a happy place for him to come to. Make his favorite food, dress up in a way he likes, and spend some quality time with him. However, his verbal abuse is not acceptable at all.
When it comes to financial support, you have the right to be taken care of financially by your husband. That does not mean that you are allowed to withhold sex from him as a form of punishment. He still has his martial rights upon you, and for you to deny them will put you in a bad position. However, giving everything in a relationship and not getting anything back is not equitable or Islamic either.
In your case, it would be best if you can sit down and talk about the issues and see if they can come to some type of resolution. For instance, why isn’t he supporting you? Is he being stubborn and greedy and withholding it from you even though he has the money and means? Remind him of his duties as a husband in Islam and remember yours as a wife too. Do not sink to his level.
You are his wife and have spent 6 years with him, and you may have an idea of why he acts the way he does. What triggers him? Communicate with him and find out what the real matter is. There must be a reason for why he acts the way he does. Try being understanding and hear him out.
As Muslims, another powerful way to connect and build the attachment bond with your spouse is praying together. Couples who pray together stay together, because by praying together they’re strengthening the bond between them in the presence of God (swt). That’s powerful!
May Allah (swt) ease your tension and make your husband more loving and caring.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.