Husband Makes Me Feel I Am Never Good Enough

10 July, 2021
Q Salam Aleikom dear sister Aisha. I think I am a person who is craving for love, attention, and care of a person too much. I have a husband who, I feel, does not give me that love I need. I started to feel the problem is with me, I want too much. However, rationally if I think of it, I do not feel it is too much and he is just super busy with his stuff.

I never had a problem with having boyfriends before I came to Islam. I think I can too easily fall in love with anyone who is nice to me – which is not a good character and I have been suffering from it for a very long time. I have not been infidel or anything, but since things are terrible between us, (forget about marriage counselor, I have tried, he does not want to and I feel it is pointless to go alone). So since things are terrible between us, and he has said many times things about his female colleagues and how he thinks we are simply incompatible and what type of girl he wishes to have, I have started to feel attraction to other men as well again more strongly – just like in the past.

I do not want to have sex. I actually hate sex. It is a burden on me. I just want their attention, their words, their hug….I am having a real hard time with my feelings, and ask Allah to remove these from me and never let me humiliate myself that I act upon these feelings.

He has also said I am a boring person. He turns to his laptop because I am boring. I think I have done what I could do, but if I do not get any positive feedback from him, then I have started to believe that I am really a boring person. I have been feeling this in many situations with others as well actually that I am boring; I cannot be as funny, as loud as other people can.

So, 1, how can I remove this feeling inside that I always crave for a guy’s attention? I want to be independent and only care about Allah and His love. I do not want to feel all the time I wish this guy talks to me, I wish he likes me, especially not as a married woman!

2, What shall I do with this feeling of “I am a boring person”? I hate talking about myself, I always “give the mic” to the other person and stay in the position of a good listener….Please help!

Answer

In this counseling answer:

I kindly suggest that you discuss with him in a loving way how you feel. But do not start sentences with “you don’t” or “you won’t” or “you can’t” because that will usually turn people away.

Counseling will help you sort through your feelings to determine what is best for you and your faith.

Often when people are told they are boring or have nothing to offer, it is said out of jealousy or envy.

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As salamu alaikum,

Dear sister, thank you for writing to us and trusting us with your personal concerns. Insha’Allah, you will find some of this helpful.

Craving Love and Attention

Sister, you state that you are a person who craves a lot of love and attention. As you are married, I am not sure if it is a situation, where he is taking you for granted. This happens sometimes.

You feel that your husband does not give you the love that you need. Sister, I am wondering if you have ever talked to him about this specifically. I know you said you tried to talk to him but perhaps if you approached him with only this concern (wanting more love and attention) he may react differently.

A Different Approach

If you have not, I kindly suggest that you discuss with him in a loving way how you feel.

You may want to make a note or a little journal writing down your feelings describing what you want and possibly why so when you speak with him you have a clear thought as to what to say.

I would kindly suggest, however, that you do not start sentences with “you don’t” or “you won’t” or “you can’t” because it will usually turn people away. They will get defensive. I mention this because you stated he is already somewhat defensive, blaming you and not wanting to admit when he is wrong.

Husband Makes Me Feel I Am Never Good Enough - About Islam

Sister, it is very important in a marriage to feel loved desired and wanted. It is also very nice when spouses show each other attention, kindness, and consideration. Too often we get caught up in the mechanics of life such as working long hours, chores, children, and other responsibilities and we neglect the people we love the most. I am not sure if this is your case but I thought I would mention it.

Counseling and Looking Deeper Inward

I feel in your question that you are struggling so hard to please Allah, remain a pious Muslim and wife. However, your needs are important as well. As your husband will not go for marriage counseling, I kindly recommend that you go for counseling.

Counseling will help you sort through your feelings to determine what is best for you and your faith. Perhaps he is right, maybe the two of you are not compatible. Perhaps he needs someone who is not interested in connecting on a deeper level. Perhaps you need someone who desires a loving and affectionate wife.

Counseling on a regular basis can help you decide a course of action, sister. It can also act as a preventive measure for remaining faithful despite feeling disconnected and needing affection and attention as it will require that you focus on your needs and issues.


Check out this counseling video


Additionally, counseling will look deeper into the reasons why you so strongly crave love from others all the time (which is natural to a degree of course).

You stated, “ I do not want to feel all the time I wish this guy talks to me, I wish he likes me…” Often this is a sign that one needs to start loving themselves. Placing value on self, start looking inwards and embracing the wonderful person that they are.

We all have Issues

Issues – okay, we all have them! You say you want to feel like you are not a boring person. I am confident that you are not. Shy perhaps, but not boring. In fact, from what you wrote you sound like a very interesting sister with many wonderful and exciting things to share.

Conclusion

Insha’Allah, sister, make a list of all the exciting and inspiring things you have done in your life so far. Look at your list and pick a few topics to write a blog about. Or take some classes in something you have always wanted to learn, like public speaking. 

The point is: by identifying your experiences and things that move you, you will be able to discuss them with others.

Often when people are told they are boring or have nothing to offer, it is said out of jealousy or envy. Don’t take it to heart making yourself withdraw. Shine your light!

You are in our prayer, sister, 

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.